About Last Night: Knicks Knocked Out
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar’e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. “Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!” he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.
- Marc Gasol’s 23 points and seven boards helped the Grizzlies avoid elimination with a 92-80 win over the Clippers. During the game, Blake Griffin and Chris Paul both sustained injuries that may affect their playing time in Game 6. Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro told reporters that the injuries were badges of honor. “Chris and Blake are utterly committed to pretending that the other team fouled them,” he said. “They’re willing to sacrifice their bodies to further deceive the referees into calling unwarranted fouls. Does that make them heroes? You tell me.”
- Alex Ovechkin scored a goal and Braden Holtby made 30 saves as the Capitals forced a Game 7 with a 2-1 win over the Rangers. “I blame myself,” said Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist, who skated away from net before the goal because Ovechkin was “really, really ugly.” This is actually a step up for Lundqvist, who once bailed out before a Sidney Crosby goal because the Penguins skater had a “dishonest soul.”
- Former Saint Anthony Hargrove expressed his disappointment that his declaration about the bounty program — which included the fact that Joe Vitt instructed him to “play dumb” when questioned — was leaked to the media. “I hate when bad things about me that are true are discovered, because I prefer to keep bad things secret so I don’t get punished,” he probably said.
- Atlanta Hawks co-owner Michael Gearon Jr. called Kevin Garnett “the dirtiest guy in the league.” In his bedroom, a tearful Garnett finally tore down the poster he commissioned in ’97 with the words “Gentleman Kevin Garnett” in large print below a portrait of himself in a three-piece suit. “The dream is dead,” he whispered.
- A sports radio station out of Boston reported that two days before missing a start because of stiffness in his right lat, Josh Beckett was playing golf. Beckett defended himself, saying, “You can’t even really call it ‘golf.’ I was so drunk I couldn’t keep from falling out of a moving golf cart four times, much less put together a solid round.”
- Following a 4-3 loss to the Royals, irate Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine attacked the umpires. “Fucking umpire can’t make a right call and get help to get it done,” he said. “It’s a damn shame, is what it is.” At that exact moment, Josh Beckett stumbled into the office, knocking over several reporters. “And what about that goddamn Obama!” he slurred, before passing out in a corner.
- After hitting four runs in a single game Tuesday, Josh Hamilton said that ongoing contract talks with the Rangers won’t be a distraction. “I just hope my four home runs don’t distract them,” he said. “Into giving me a billion dollars. Cuz, you know four home runs. In a single game. Maybe I’m the only one, but that just screams ‘a billion dollars’ to me.”
- Former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor told a reporter that he sold memorabilia for cash in order to help pay his mother’s rent during the winter months in Ohio, when she was forced to use the oven for heat. “That’s no excuse,” said Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, whom nobody had asked. “Times get tough. I once had to use a mirror as a sexual partner for five years. You get through it.“
- PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem said that Augusta National “is not doing anything illegal” by excluding women from its membership rolls, and that the Masters is “too important” to give up. “Isn’t it enough that (Augusta chairman) Billy Payne dresses up like a woman on Thursday nights?” Finchem asked. “It’s very realistic.”
This week’s Reader’s Revenge topic is Your Worst Workplace Embarrassment. Click that link to learn more about the RR franchise, and send your best stories to firstname.lastname@example.org for a chance to make the top 10 on Monday. Good luck.