About Last Night: Knicks Get George’d

In case you were busy clearing your name in the best place for levelheaded legal analysis: sports talk radio, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:

  • The Knicks failed to make a late lead stand up, as Paul George and the Pacers topped New York, 103-96, in overtime. “But dad,” a young boy in Queens said after the game, as he held his head in his hands. “All they had to do was not foul Paul George on the 3. Why would they foul him, dad? Why?” His father sat on the couch, staring forward, his gaze extending through the television, out to infinity. “Because, son,” the father said, mindlessly crushing a beer can in his left hand. “Because the world is a cruel and ugly place. Because the universe bends toward entropic chaos. Because man is nothing more than a wad of rotten flesh stretched over an angry skeleton.” The boy was crying a little now, but he managed to mumble, “But I don’t understand.” The father turned to his boy as he said with profound clarity, “Because Knicks, son. Because Knicks.”
  • Despite a season-high 33 points from Dwight Howard, the Houston Rockets
    fell, 123-120, at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks
    , who improved to 6-0 at home. “Ha-ha, yes!” Howard said after the game despite his team’s loss. “What a night! What a night!” When asked if he was talking about his own breakout performance, Howard replied, “Nah, man. Did you see when Dirk totally slipped and fell over? And I was all like, ‘Nirk!’ And he was all like, ‘Nirk?’ and I was all like, ‘Yeah, Nirk D’oh-witzki!’” Howard then collapsed in hysterics before gathering himself and saying, “He didn’t get it, but man, he got covered in Dwight-Out.”
  • Sidney Crosby showed why he remains the NHL gold standard in Pittsburgh’s 4-0 win over Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals. When asked what makes him better than Ovechkin, Crosby replied, “Mustache.”
  • The 20th-ranked Baylor men’s basketball team held off an upset bid from Charleston Southern, winning 69-64. “69-64?” asked Baylor freshman Kelvin Purnell after the win. “That sounds like our offense, but poor showing from our defense. Still, though, good to stay in the BCS picture.” When told that it was a basketball score, Purnell cocked his head and replied, “Bass-kit-bull? What’s that? Some sort of game where you buy a box of fish to bait boy cows into … what? Boy cows don’t even like fish. So I have no idea what kind of game that would be.”
  • In a battle of MAC powers, Jordan Lynch and the Northern Illinois Huskies topped the Toledo Rockets, 35-17, to move to 11-0 and close in on a BCS at-large bid. “We want Bama. We want Bama,” chanted the NIU student body in response to their team’s perfect season, much to the chagrin of NIU’s players and coaches, who made it quite clear after the game that they do not want Bama at all. “Have you seen those guys?” a visibly terrified Lynch said after the game. “They’re h-h-h-h-h-uge!”
  • Despite its current prowess, Alabama lost its second top recruit in three days as defensive back Stephen Roberts flipped his commitment to in-state rival Auburn. “It’s not just one thing,” Roberts said when asked about his decision, “but … well … Bama asked me to fax in my letter of intent on the skin of a virgin goat. I thought it was a mistake, but Coach Saban was quite insistent. And it’s like, first of all, how do I know if a goat is a virgin? And second of all, it’s a fax machine, so what difference does it make? Do they have goat paper on their side? And what difference does it make if I use goat paper? Also, who has ever heard of goat paper? That’s just not the sort of attention to detail I’m looking for in a program.”
  • In a shocking blockbuster trade first reported by Jon Heyman, the Detroit Tigers flipped slugger Prince Fielder to Texas for second baseman Ian Kinsler. When asked for comment on the trade, Fielder said, “Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped. It got turned upside down. So I’d like to take a minute, you just sit on the earth. I’ll tell you how I became a Prince in a town called Fort Worth.” When told that everyone saw what he was doing, and he didn’t have to do it, he really, really didn’t have to do it, Fielder replied, “In downtown Detroit is where I got paid, on a field by a tiger statue is where I played. Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool. And hitting mad bombs, my bat was my tool. When a couple of guys, they all had beards, they beat up my team and looked real weird. I lose one little series and my GM had malice, he said, ‘You’re movin’ down to play just outside of Dallas.’” When told that he had to stop, seriously, he had to stop, this couldn’t go on any longer, Fielder smiled and said, “I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said fresh—” before he was interrupted, and asked if the cab had dice in the mirror and if the cabbie perhaps smelled really terrible. Then, he was asked again if he would please, please stop. Fielder flipped up the brim of his neon Rangers cap and replied, “No, and he smelled fine. Anyway, as I was saying, I pulled up to Arlington around eight at night, and I yelled to the cabbie, yo homes, you smell all right. I looked at my stadium, it was like I’d been birthed, to sit on my throne, I’m the Prince in Fort Worth.” Fielder then started clapping, before yelling, “Boom! Fresh Prince parody song complete!”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alabama, Auburn, Baylor, Dallas Mavericks, Detroit Tigers, Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets, Indiana Pacers, New York Knicks, Paul George, Pittsburgh Penguins, Texas Rangers, Washington Capitals