About Last Night: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Bobby PetrinoIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • Notes kept by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long during his investigation show that former head coach Bobby Petrino’s relationship with his assistant began with a kiss over lunch last fall. “Hi, I’m Bobby Petrino,” the coach said immediately afterward. “Thanks for not being weird when I kissed you just now.”
  • Curtis Granderson bashed three home runs to lead the Yankees to a 7-6 win over the Twins. Triplets beat Twins, am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? *Thirty-second pause while things settle down.* AM I RIGHT?!
  • Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard will undergo back surgery on Friday, ending his season and perhaps his team’s title hopes. “Really get in there, really get your hands dirty,” Magic coach Stan Van Gundy advised the confused surgeon. “Don’t be afraid to try some things, let loose and just get sloppy. Freewheel it. You know what I’m saying? Mess up his spine. Or don’t. Whatever works. But mess up his spine.”
  • For the first time in the team’s 51-year history, the Astros hit three triples in an inning en route to beating the Nationals 11-4. Hank Aaron once said that the triple was the most exciting play in baseball, but was forced to issue a hasty retraction late last night when the feat became associated with the Astros.
  • Yu Darvish gave up just two hits and one run while pitching into the seventh as the Rangers beat the Tigers 10-3. In honor of Darvish, who made the long journey from Japan to America, the ’60s song of the week is “The Wanderer” by Dion and the Belmonts.
  • LeBron James scored 27 points and grabbed 11 boards as the Heat beat the Bulls (without Derrick Rose) 83-72. Miami is now just 1.5 games back of Chicago for the no. 1 seed in the East, and LeBron James told reporters that he smells blood. He then fainted, woke up, smelled more blood, and fainted again.
  • Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire posted a YouTube video to tell everyone that he would return before the playoffs. But I gotta say, I’m not sure I subscribe to that theory. (For personalized YouTube jokes, send a $13 check and a short biography to mom’s house, where I live in the basement making puns and crying.)
  • Martin Brodeur, age 39, set an NHL record with his 24th career playoff shutout as the Devils skated by the Panthers 4-0 to tie the series at two games apiece. In other first-round action, the Capitals iced the Bruins, the Coyotes netted the Blackhawks in overtime, and the Blues stickhandled the Sharks. (For personalized hockey puns, just write a sentence with your name in it and replace the verb with the word “iced.” And then send me $13.)
  • The SMU Mustangs announced that Larry Brown will take over as new head coach of the basketball team. “I know what you guys are thinking,” said Brown. “How did I end up at SMU? Well, it’s definitely not because I’m sexually aroused by mustangs, that’s for sure!” Brown then laughed nervously and backed away from the podium.
  • Penn State paid $5.5 million to the estate of Joe Paterno to fulfill the terms of the late coach’s football contract. “I’m so happy that the Paternos and I have received this generous payout, which we will split down the middle,” said Jerry Sandusky, who was then chased off the Paterno front lawn with a broom for the 12th time that day.
  • It’s Friday, which means it’s time to put the call out for Readers’ Revenge. This week’s topic is Your Worst Experience in a Foreign Country. Send your best stories to tobaccordblues@gmail.com,and click the link for more information if you have no idea what I’m talking about. Enjoy the weekend.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Amare Stoudemire, Chicago Bulls, Dwight Howard, Houston Astros, Joe Paterno, Lebron James, Miami Heat, New Jersey Devils, New York Yankees, NHL Playoffs, Orlando Magic, Penn State, Texas Rangers, Yu Darvish

headshot

Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere