About Last Night: King James Almost Has His Throne
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- LeBron James scored 26 points and the Heat overcame Russell Westbrook’s 43 points to beat the Thunder 104-98 and take a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. James hit two huge baskets late in the fourth quarter after suffering thigh cramps that sidelined him for part of the game. Afterward, James seemed to realize the magnitude of what he’d accomplished. “Hey, remember when Michael Jordan had that one game where he played with the flu?” he asked. “Neither do I. It doesn’t exist anymore. And if you ever mention it again, neither will you.”
- Rays reliever Joel Peralta was ejected for having pine tar on his glove in the eighth inning of a 5-4 win over the Nationals. When the umpire made the announcement, Peralta tried to charge angrily at him just like George Brett in ’83, but only made it a few steps before he was rooted to the ground by the absurd amounts of pine tar on his shoes.
- A Wayne Rooney header gave England a 1-0 win over Ukraine in Euro 2012, and sent them through to a quarterfinal match against Italy. It was a bit of an ugly match, truth be told, but then, Wayne Rooney was involved, so
- Jason Heyward hit the game-winning single and nailed Mark Teixeira at the plate as the Braves ended the Yankees’ 10-game winning streak with a 4-3 win. Hey, why are there so many hits on that middle link? That’s cool, I guess, but I’m just puzzled oh come on, guys! I didn’t mean “nail” like that! You guys are sick! They don’t allow that kind of thing at home plate!
- Vikings receiver Percy Harvin said he is unhappy with the organization, though he refused to elaborate when pressed for specifics. “I’ve narrowed it down to 5,630 possibilities,” said Vikings coach Leslie Frazier. “Anything from how they only serve tripe and lutefisk at the post-practice buffet, to the fact that (team owner) Zygi Wilf makes him sign loyalty oaths to America every morning.”
- After missing four games with an intestinal virus, Josh Hamilton hit a two-run triple in his return as the Rangers beat the Padres 7-3. “Nice hit, Joshua,” said the sinister intestinal worm that has yet to leave his body. “Though I fear it shan’t help you sleep tonight. No I think this evening I shall feast. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, can you eat something spicy before bed? That’s my favorite.”
- Dodgers manager Don Mattingly said the Roger Clemens probe was a complete waste of money. Again, why so many hits on that link compared to the other news? Is it oh, come on! Why would the U.S. justice system probe Clemens like that?! Grow up, guys!
- Scott Sitz struck out eight in a season-high 6 2/3 innings as Florida State eliminated UCLA from the College World Series with a 4-1 win. You might think that he yells “sitz down!” after every strikeout, but you’d be wrong; he yells, “Dressed up like a million-dollar trouper / Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper) / Come let’s mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks /Or umbrellas in their mitts Puttin’ on the Sitz.”
- Former Saints defensive end Anthony Hargrove said it’s not him saying “Give me the money” in a recording used by the NFL in the Saints bounty case. “Oy, ‘ow could it be this lil’ lad, guvna?!” asked Hargrove. “I’m just a wee cockney urchin from Bergenhamshire, I likes me my fish and chips and my queen, I does! American football? Brutal chaps, they is! Not for this ole luggy-buggy-boo!”