About Last Night: King Felix, Ruler of Mediocrity

Felix HernandezIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Red-hot Mariners ace Felix Hernandez tossed a five-hit, complete game shutout as the M’s squeaked by the Twins 1-0. In related news, Las Vegas is now a bankrupt ghost town after more than 100 million gamblers placed significant bets on the Mariners-Twins game ending 1-0.
  • Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said that Dez Bryant’s special rules — which include a midnight curfew and a ban on alcohol and strip clubs — are about accountability, and helping Bryant support himself and his family. When asked if that also applied to the rule where Bryant has to wear a furry wolf costume during team video sessions, Garrett blushed and wouldn’t comment.
  • In first-round action at the U.S. Open, Andy Murray and Roger Federer advanced in straight sets, while Maria Sharapova won with ease on the women’s side. In the surprise of the tournament so far, eccentric (and severely obese) amateur Oleander Bloom beat John Isner 7-6, 7-6, 6-7, 6-7, 7-6 by employing a 30-foot-by-30-foot square racket that he used on return games, and a smaller racket with a 30-foot handle that he used to serve.
  • The Blue Jays scored three runs in the top of the ninth on a two-out Colby Rasmus homer, and eventually beat the Yankees 8-7 in 11 innings. “I thought baseball was nine innings,” injured third baseman A-Rod wrote in his journal after the game. “Sometimes I think I’ll never stop being confused. Speaking of which, still can’t remember the password to my safe, and am running real short of money. Is there a way to get more out of the bank, or is that illegal?”
  • Eagles quarterback Michael Vick practiced on Monday, and offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg said he was close to 100 percent. “But me?” continued Mornhinweg. “Well, I have some ghosts that stay by my side at every moment, filling me with sorrow and reminding me that, as Faulkner once said, the past is —” But as he looked up to finish the sentence, he saw that all the reporters had left and he was standing by himself in an empty room.
  • Nate McLouth hit a go-ahead homer in the eighth inning as the Orioles won their 13th straight one-run game, beating the White Sox 4-3. Hey guys, I’ve got some good news. Terrence the former Grantland Robot, who hasn’t learned to write in lowercase letters, has been cleaning up his life for the past few months, and I agreed to invite him back today to say hello and come up with the joke for this item. Take it away, T. “HELLO HELLO MY FRIENDS. ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY BUT THEN AGAIN EVERY DAY IS BEAUTIFUL THAT WE ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE ON THIS EARTH. AS FOR THE ORIOLES IT SHOWS THAT GIVING UP IS NEVER THE OPTION AND THROUGH FAITH WE CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.” Hmmm, okay. Thanks, Terrence. That wasn’t really a joke, but — “OH F*** YOU RYAN. SORRY IF I CANNOT BE HILARIOUS ON COMMAND. I HAVE TAKEN A MORAL INVENTORY OF MYSELF AND CHOSEN TO LIVE EACH DAY IN SINCERITY, YOU ROTTEN-HEARTED CYNICAL SON OF A HARLOT’S BAST—” Okay, okay, okay. Chill out, Terrence. Come on. We’ll talk about this later. I’m happy for you, really. Just … we’ll talk tomorrow.
  • The Buffalo Bills acquired quarterback Tarvaris Jackson in a trade with the Seahawks, and subsequently cut Vince Young from the roster. And finally, after years of coming excruciatingly close, the Bills have now completed a transaction that matches the city of Buffalo in pure sadness. “This is our ‘closing the public libraries’ moment,” declared triumphant owner Ralph Wilson.
  • Sources report the Patriots have agreed to a five-year extension with tight end Aaron Hernandez worth at least $28.5 million in guaranteed money. The deal involves up to $40 million in additional incentives, but that money must be paid out in stock options for the new publicly traded company “Big Bill’s Beli-Chocolates.” (Each chocolate comes with a trace amount of Tom Brady’s saliva.)
  • Penn State football has cut the song “Sweet Caroline” from its stadium playlist for 2012, and some believe it’s because the lyrics “reaching out, touching you, touching me” could be interpreted the wrong way after the Sandusky scandal. School officials denied that the lyrics played any part in the decision, and said the song would be replaced by either the Rolling Stones’ classic “Sympathy for the Devil” or “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tommy James and the Shondells.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Baltimore Orioles, Buffalo Bills, Chicago White Sox, Dallas Cowboys, Felix Hernandez, Michael Vick, Minnesota Twins, New England Patriots, New York Yankees, Penn State, Philadelphia Eagles, Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays, U.S. Open

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere