About Last Night: Just Carson, Baby

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • A bad season got worse for San Diego as Carson Palmer threw two touchdown passes and the Raiders topped the Chargers 24-17. To add insult to injury, Palmer was using his other hand to eat a tuna sandwich he bought from a gas station during both touchdowns.

  • Quarterback Logan Thomas accounted for five touchdowns — three passing, two rushing — as No. 10 Virginia Tech maintained its lead in the ACC Coastal Division with a 37-26 win over No. 21 Georgia Tech. As a result of winning the Battle of the Techs, VTU president Charles Steger was presented with the coveted Golden Protractor.
  • Charles Sims rushed for 207 yards, Case Keenum passed for 325, and the No. 11 Houston Cougars remained undefeated with a 73-17 rout of Tulane. Things are going so well for Houston that the coaches are starting to toss around the idea of playing someone good one day.
  • In Thursday’s negotiations, David Stern proposed a 72-game season beginning on Dec. 15. Union head Billy Hunter, even though he found the offer underwhelming, will present it to the players next week. Despite making almost no concessions throughout the negotiating process, Stern is apparently hoping a round number and the allure of a start date will wow the players and trick them into agreeing. Sources report that if this strategy fails, his next move is to hire a magician and a pony to win the players’ hearts and minds.
  • After two rounds, Tiger Woods is leading the Australian Open. Whether he goes on to win or lose, Woods has promised his fans that he won’t experience anything but a brief flicker of actual happiness.
  • The NCAA will hit Ohio State with a failure to monitor charge stemming from a Cleveland booster who provided extra benefits to players. “Pardon me, sir?” said every Cleveland sports team, waving timidly from a corner. “We could use some boosting, if you’re no longer busy.”
  • Over the weekend, Albert Pujols and his representatives will meet with the Florida Marlins. “Down here,” the Marlins’ pitch began, “you won’t have all those lousy fans bothering you.”
  • Kyle Busch will compete in the final two Sprint Cup races of the year, but he’ll do so without one of his primary sponsors, M&M’s, who dropped out in response to Busch intentionally wrecking another driver in a truck race. “Screw ‘em,” said an angry Busch. “Everyone knows they melt in your hand anyway!” Later, reporters found him sobbing next to a vending machine, M&M’s spilled all over his shirt. “I was wrong,” he said. “They melt in your mouth. They always melt in our mouth. I need them so bad!”

Filed Under: About Last Night

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere