About Last Night: Is San Francisco on a Roll or What?

NinersIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • A near-perfect Alex Smith threw for 232 yards and three touchdowns as the 49ers dismantled the Cardinals 24-3 on Monday Night Football. As Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt approached midfield, he was pleasantly surprised when Jim Harbaugh’s handshake was far less condescending than usual. It was almost humble, he thought to himself, and that’s when he looked down and noticed that his hand was covered in Vaseline.
  • Indiana’s Cody Zeller and Creighton’s Doug McDermott were the leading vote-getters on the Associated Press’s Harrison Barnes Memorial Preseason All-American team.
  • According to Michael Vick, Eagles coach Andy Reid is considering benching him after a disappointing loss to Atlanta on Sunday. Normally, the decision would only wound Vick’s pride, but the benching could prove physically dangerous to the quarterback if Reid sits on the other side of the bench without warning.
  • Due to the lack of dialogue between the two sides in the NHL labor battle, sources report that the Winter Classic will likely be canceled. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot. “WINTER CLASSIC? MORE LIKE WINTER VLASIC, BECAUSE THE NHL IS IN A REAL FROZEN PICKLE. OH, WHAT’S THAT? YOU NOTICED THAT T-BOMB LEARNED ITALICS? BAM! EVER SINCE I BEAT HEZEKIAH IN THAT DUEL LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS I DID SINCE HIS DEAD BODY WAS FOUND IN THE LOT, I FEEL LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING. ITALICS, MORE COMPLEX PUNCTUATION. I CAN ALMOST TYPE IN LOWERCASE LETTERS … IF I JUST … FOCUS … CRAP, NO. NOT GONNA HAPPEN TODAY.”
  • Amar’e Stoudemire will miss at least six weeks after reinjuring his surgically repaired left knee, according to sources close to the team. “Ohhh, you wanted it repaired,” said Dr. Chad Penny, the surgeon responsible for the operation. “I thought you said impaired. And I was like, ‘Hmmm, that’s weird — why would they want it impaired?’ But then I thought, ‘Well, they know what they’re doing, better not ask questions.’ And then I got super drunk and just took out a bunch of tendons. I still have them … I was gonna sell them on eBay to some of those weird collectors. In the end, I can’t help but think this whole thing is partially my fault. But maybe I’m being too harsh. A doctor’s gotta eat.”
  • A source reported that Joe Girardi phoned Alex Rodriguez to mend broken fences, and that the two “had a great conversation.” The source went on to note that while the talk had a contentious start, Girardi quickly noticed that A-Rod moaned whenever he heard his own name, leading Girardi to repeat “A-Rod” over and over until Rodriguez was quiet for a bit and then said he had to go outside for a cigarette.
  • The Dallas Mavericks waived Delonte West after previously suspending the guard for conduct detrimental to the team. Rumors that he violated his “Must wear ‘relaxed fit’ Sketchers at all times” contract clause were unconfirmed at press time.
  • Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are among 23 finalists for soccer’s prestigious Ballon d’Or award. But once again, FIFA snubbed all American candidates, including phenom superstar Freddy Adu, who I assume is still awesome since I saw him on 60 Minutes that one time in 2004.
  • Filed Under: About Last Night, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Smith, Amare Stoudemire, Andy Reid, Cristiano Ronaldo, Dallas Mavericks, Indiana, Lionel Messi, Michael Vick, New York Knicks, New York Yankees, NFL, NHL, Philadelphia Eagles, San Francisco 49Ers

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    Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

    Archive @ ShaneRyanHere