About Last Night: Inches From Immortality

In case you were busy finding out what really happened when your cousin broke your grandmother’s collection of valuable plates, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Cardinals rookie Michael Wacha became the third pitcher to lose a no-hitter with two outs in the ninth inning this season, but still collected a crucial win as St. Louis beat the Washington Nationals, 2-0. A disappointed yet upbeat Wacha addressed the media after the game, saying, “The most important thing is that we won; the no-hitter was secondary. Now I’ll take questions from anyone who isn’t Fozzie Bear.” But when the assembled media began to yell his name, Wacha stormed off the podium, yelling, “Stop following me around, you stupid puppet bear! You’re ruining my life!”
  • The Yankees found themselves short on bobbleheads for Mariano Rivera Bobblehead Night, causing a commotion outside of Yankee Stadium while inside the stadium the team was short on power, losing 7-0 to the Tampa Bay Rays. “You can’t have him, you can’t,” a wild-eyed Yankees general manager Brian Cashman yelled as he sat atop a stack of boxes of Rivera bobbleheads, armed with a shotgun and a bottle marked with three X’s. When told by team president Randy Levine that he had to get off the boxes to allow the fans to have them, Cashman threw his bottle at Levine and yelled back, “Let’s ask Mo. Do you want to go to the fans?” Cashman then pulled out one of the bobbleheads and tapped its brim. A heartbroken Cashman looked at the small nodding Rivera in his hands with wild eyes and said, “I thought you’d never do this to me. If I can’t have you, no one can!” before firing his shotgun wildly into the stack of boxes below him.
  • Cleveland, powered by another Jason Giambi walk-off home run, won its 13th straight game over the Chicago White Sox, 5-4. “We’ve got them where we want them now, unlucky 13,” said White Sox executive vice president Kenny Williams, before pausing and furrowing his brow. “Wait a second,” Williams said. “What if the 13 is unlucky for us? Oh, we were fools! Why did I tell them to blow the save? I’ve cursed us!” Williams then began ripping up an amateur scouting report that had been left on his desk while screaming “why” over and over again as loudly as he could.
  • Adrian Beltre hit the game-winning home run, and Texas kept pace in the AL wild-card race, dealing the Astros a 3-2 loss. The loss, Houston’s 11th straight, caused a surprisingly confident Astros general manager Jeff Luhnow to say, “We’ve got the league where we want them now, lucky 11.” Luhnow then paused and furrowed his brow. “Wait a second,” Luhnow said. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever said. Oh, what a fool I was! Why would I say lucky 11? I sound as silly as Kenny Williams!” Luhnow then began reading an amateur scouting report that had been left on his desk while screaming “why” over and over again because the prospects in it were not draft eligible for another two years.
  • Tottenham Hotspur embarrassed Aston Villa with a 4-0 league cup win as notable for the pantsing that Spurs center back Jan Vertonghen gave Villa forward Nicklas Helenius as the margin of victory. When asked if he felt lucky for having gotten away with the pantsing, Vertonghen, who avoided a potential red card, said after the match, “Nothing lucky about it, for I am Jan, the Belgian prank king. I always get away with it.” When asked what else he had gotten away with, a giggling Vertonghen replied, “Man, you should have seen when I put Marouane Fellaini’s hand in a bowl of warm water during a national team training session. He was so mad! I made his hand so wet.” When asked if he knew why people put other people’s hands in water as a prank, Vertonghen replied, “Wet hands are funny, obviously.”
  • Lions wide receiver Nate Burleson broke his arm driving home after watching Monday Night Football by crashing while trying to save a pizza that was falling off his passenger seat. Now there’s been a lot of serious issues related to football players’ extracurricular activities recently, and as you know, we here at ALN like to ask the toughest question, so here it goes: How is the pizza doing? Is it OK? Who ended up eating the pizza? Anyone? And what toppings were on it? Are we talking a good thin-crust, sausage-and-mushroom pie with fresh mozzarella? Or are we talking some chain pizza with crust as tough as sourdough? And is the pizza eaten? And if not, where is it? Is it nearby? Because I’ll come pick it up if it’s still a perfectly good pizza. But seriously, has anyone eaten the pizza?
  • Sources have told ESPN that Indiana Pacers forward Paul George has agreed to a five-year maximum contract worth as much as $90 million with incentives. George was confident in his team’s chances going forward, saying, “Roy Hibbert and I are here to start a dynasty. We’re gonna win not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but eight playoff series followed by tragic losses in the conference or NBA Finals while I’m here.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Detroit Lions, Houston Astros, Indiana Pacers, New York Yankees, Paul George, Tampa Bay Rays, Texas Rangers

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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