About Last Night: Hoosiers in Charge
In case you were busy finding a Belgian who could fence $50 million worth of diamonds, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- Indiana got its first win in East Lansing since 1991 with a hard-fought 72-68 win over the Michigan State Spartans. Missed free throws down the stretch hurt the Spartans, as they went 2-for-6 from the stripe in the final two minutes of the game. “I could just feel [Indiana head coach] Tom Crean looking at me as I was at the line,” said MSU guard Gary Harris, who missed a chance to tie the game at the line after being fouled on a 3-pointer. Harris went on to explain, “I’m from Indiana and the guy recruited me hard, and I really wanted to go to IU, but then you see him smile, and it’s not a real full smile, it’s like a creepy half smile. And you start looking at his hairline, and the way it goes way back but he still gets all that volume in his hair, and you start realizing something ain’t right. And then you realize Tom Izzo looks kind of the same, and so does Calipari, and so does Pitino, and you start to wonder whether your trapped in some sort of nightmare, where all of the best college basketball coaches out there are the same guy. Or maybe avatars of the same demigod? And that maybe there is no free will, and you’ll always end up playing basketball for Tom Crean, or whatever it is that Tom Crean represents, assuming it’s supernatural, which I now do. So, yeah, I missed some big free throws, but I had a lot on my mind.”
- Miami took another step toward an ACC title with a 54-50 win over the University of Virginia. This was a big win for Miami in the rivalry that has come to be known as the Jeffersonian Battle, so dubbed because the University of Virginia was founded by the nation’s third president, and Miami players are well-known for always “making it rain” with two-dollar bills.
- Bayern Munich stormed into north London and left Emirates Stadium with a 3-1 lead in their Champions League tie with Arsenal. German midfielder Toni Kroos scored the first goal for the Bavarians before mesmerizing the British crowd with his “Kroosin'” celebration, a nine-minute interpretive dance that pays tribute to Germany’s great auto-making heritage.
- Joe Johnson hit the game-winner in overtime as the Brooklyn Nets topped the Milwaukee Bucks at Barclays Center, 113-111. A jubilant Johnson said after the game, “I want clutch to be the first thing kids think of when they hear the word ‘Johnson.’ Wait, no, damn.”
- George Karl got his 400th win as head coach of the Denver Nuggets as they beat the Boston Celtics, 97-90. Karl, who hasn’t had a losing season as a head coach since 1987-88, said at his postgame press conference, “I owe all my success to my players, who have put up with me in three different wonderful cities.” Karl was then asked by statuesque and mustachioed female report Jill Faxon, “Who was the most difficult opponent you faced in your career.” Karl responded, “Cancer, as it nearly took everything away from me, but it also gave me the perspective to become the man I am today.” Faxon followed up by yelling in a deep baritone, “Horseshit! You know who gave you more trouble than anyone else.” Faxon then showed Karl her hands, which were covered in rings, before storming out of the room.
- The Chicago Blackhawks withstood a Vancouver comeback before beating the Canucks in a shootout, 4-3. The win was the Blackhawks’ 16th straight game with at least a point, equaling the all-time NHL record to start a season. Of course, the record is questionable, as NHL scoring rules changed in the past decade as a result of the elimination of ties in regular-season games, but don’t tell that to Blackhawks winger Patrick Kane. Seriously, don’t tell Patrick Kane; he doesn’t care, and you’ll end up feeling bad for bringing it up. Then all of a sudden you’re not getting a heads-up when everyone is hitting the town in Chicago. You see each other at the gym and it’s awkward. Trust me on this one. Not worth it.