About Last Night: Heat Melt Spurs

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The Miami Heat, led by 30 points and 8 boards from Chris Bosh, exploded in the second half to take down the San Antonio Spurs, 120-98. Tim Duncan attempted to gain an advantage in the paint by quoting tragic poetry, but Bosh was able to play through his constant tears and remain effective.

  • Michigan freshman Trey Burke scored 20 points and assisted on the winning basket as the no. 19 Wolverines beat no. 9 Michigan State 60-59. Burke was happy with the win, and hoped his strong performance would put an end to the wedgies and swirlies he gets whenever Michigan seniors find him alone in the hallway.
  • The second-best team in the Eastern Conference was defeated by the second-worst, as the Boston Bruins fell to the Tampa Bay Lightning 5-3. But then, that’s ice for you, isn’t it? Unpredictable. Slippery. Made of water, and yet, not.
  • After going 2-14 in his third year at the helm of the Indianapolis Colts, Jim Caldwell has been fired. When he heard the news, Caldwell stared in disbelief … or some other emotion.
  • A report online indicates that Dwight Howard has added the Los Angeles Clippers to his trade-wish list. He was thinking of adding them to his Amazon wish list too, but eventually decided to go for a Magic Eye poster with sharks swimming around a sunken ship.
  • Cole Hamels and the Phillies avoided arbitration by agreeing to a one-year, $15 million deal. When new Phillies reliever Jonathan Papelbon heard the news, he was relieved. “That’s that bubbly shit in soda, right?” he asked. “Yeah, you don’t want that.”
  • The Tigers’ Victor Martinez tore his ACL in offseason conditioning, and could miss the entire 2012 season. But at least they still have Miguel Cabrera, who should only miss a handful of games due to undisclosed arrests later this year.
  • Upon being told that 49ers receiver Vernon Davis “prayed and prayed” for the Giants to beat the Packers, Giants safety Antrel Rolle struck back. “They better be careful what they ask for,” said Rolle, “because their wish has been granted and we will see those boys come Sunday.” When he was informed that Davis had prayed specifically to Tebow, however, Rolle fled the room in terror.
  • New St. Louis Rams head coach Jeff Fisher said that he and the team “share a vision.” Based on the recent experience of each, NFL statisticians estimated the shared vision to be roughly 20/500.
  • German soccer chief Theo Zwanziger has issued a call for gay soccer players to come out of the closet. “Hell no,” said the gay players, in an anonymous statement. “We have the Internet. We’ve seen the weird s— Germans get into. We’re fine right where we are.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Bruins, Chris Bosh, Detroit Tigers, Dwight Howard, Indianapolis Colts, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Michigan State, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia Phillies, San Antonio Spurs, St. Louis Rams

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere