About Last Night: Heat Humbled, by George
In case you were back out at the karaoke bar trying to redeem last night’s off-key performance with a heartfelt rendition of “Ruby Tuesday,” here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- The Indiana Pacers continued their hot play at home, downing the Miami Heat, 87-77. Paul George, who led the Pacers with 29 points, matched up with reigning NBA MVP LeBron James and said after the game, “It’s a chance to for me to see where I’m at, going against one of the best, if not, the best in the league.” When asked to rate George’s performance, James said, “The dude from The Beatles? Nah, I don’t like them very much.” When told that he wasn’t being asked about either Paul McCartney or George Harrison, James responded, “Oh, Canadian Prime Minister Paul George? Yeah, dude has some cool thoughts on tariffs and immigration. Bet you didn’t think I knew that!” It was then explained to James that Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister of Canada, and that Paul George was his opponent in the basketball game he had played less than an hour earlier. “Oh, George Paul? James responded. “That dude kicked my butt tonight.”
- The Houston Rockets won their fifth straight game, topping the struggling Lakers, 125-112. Lakers center Robert Sacre was solid in his first start in relief of the injured Dwight Howard, much to the disappointment of Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak, who lamented after the game, “I only added Sacre to the roster in the hopes that his ineptitude would lead to a hilarious ‘Sacre Blue!’ headline on the front page of the L.A. Times. I had a frame picked out and everything for that bad boy. Nothing’s going right this season.”
- Rob Ryan was fired as defensive coordinator of the Dallas Cowboys, the apparent loser of Jerry Jones’s annual “death lottery,” in which Jones randomly picks a member of his coaching staff to blame for the team’s collective inability to win a Super Bowl. This is not to be confused with Jones’s annual “firing lottery,” in which he burns a random Dallas resident alive as an offering to the Incan God of death, Supay, in order to keep his skin wrinkle-free.
- Creighton beat Drake, 91-61, to move to 4-0 in Missouri Valley Conference play. The victory was especially easy for the Bluejays, who were lucky enough to face Drake on Drake Appreciation Night, in which Drake University honored the artist Drake by having their talented freshman point guard Micah Mason play the entire game in a wheelchair in tribute to Drake’s work as Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi: The Next Generation.
- Duke beat Clemson, 68-40, to move to 2-0 in Atlantic Coast Conference play. The victory was especially easy for the Blue Devils, who were lucky enough to face Clemson, an objectively bad offensive basketball team.
- The Washington Nationals re-signed free-agent first baseman Adam LaRoche to a two-year, $24 million contract. LaRoche was seeking a three-year offer, but couldn’t find it on the open market. “No other team would believe I finally turned into a good ballplayer,” LaRoche explained. “My agent kept sending out videos and news clippings. We even sent Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik my actual Gold Glove trophy. Didn’t matter. I had 33 home runs last year! Oh, well, Washington’s not so bad. But I sure wish I could get my trophy back. Jack stopped taking my calls. … I guess I only have myself to blame, though. Really shouldn’t have mailed something that important to a guy I barely know.”
- Four-star DE recruit Kylie Fitts decommitted from USC on Tuesday, citing a breach of trust with the school. USC head coach Lane Kiffin was furious with school officials, as he had big plans of his own to breach Fitts’s trust in mid-March.
- League Two side Bradford defeated Premier League side Aston Villa, 3-1, in the first leg of their League Cup semi-final. To clarify the magnitude of upset we’re talking about here for American readers, this match is the equivalent of the Garrincha-led 1962 Brazil World Cup team falling to a mediocre mid-’60s Danish side. Wait, that might not have helped. It’s the equivalent of Don Bradman getting dismissed before scoring a run in a test match against a team of Scottish schoolboys. Wait, that’s not even true. Aston Villa isn’t nearly as good as Don Bradman or Garrincha. That’s as ridiculous as comparing Don Bradman and Garrincha to Aston Villa! Wait I think I might just be confusing everyone. It’s not as if Americans can’t grasp the concept of a minor league team beating a major league team. Plus, I’m an American. Who am I to tell other Americans what they can or cannot understand? It’s not like I actually saw Don Bradman or Garrincha play. They retired before I was born. Let’s just say this whole affair was particularly embarrassing for Liverpool, who lost to Villa by the same scoreline at Anfield in December, and that by the transitive property, Steve Gerrard was just named England’s non-league player of the year. Moving on
- Dustin Johnson shot 16-under to win the abridged Hyundai Tournament of Champions at Kapalua. It wasn’t all good news for Johnson, however, as he had to decide whether to awkwardly correct tournament officials, who kept referring to him as “Masters winner Dustin Johnson.” Johnson has never finished better than 30th at the Masters, and the officials likely had him confused with actual Masters winner Zach Johnson.