About Last Night: Hawks Grounded by Hawks

Louis WilliamsIn case you were out getting arrested while rehearsing your Les Misérables flash mob, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • The Chicago Bulls held the Atlanta Hawks to 20 first-half points en route to a 97-58 win in Chicago. It was the fewest points the Hawks had scored in a game since 1955, the year the shot clock was introduced, when they scored just 57 against the Boston Celtics. “I can’t believe you clowns,” joked Bulls coach and amateur insult comic Tom Thibodeau after the game. “One fewer basket, and we would’ve really stuck it to that old nincompoop Red Auerbach. He hasn’t been had that bad since someone replaced one of his stogies with an exploding cigar. I guess you kidders will just have to win nine championships now to make it up to me. Am I right? Now which of you buffoons wants to get silly and see this ol’ wisecracker work out some new material down at the Chuckle Bin?” There were no immediate takers, but Thibodeau thought he could get Kirk Hinrich to bite if he picked up the tab on the club’s two-drink minimum.
  • Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has been ruled out for the remainder of the postseason after reinjuring his broken arm in New England’s game against Houston on Sunday. “I thought it was worth playing through it, and Coach thought playing was the right choice.” Gronkowski said to the media. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick quickly interjected, “Thinks. Not thought. Coach thinks playing is the right choice.”
  • Serena Williams overcame an ankle injury to soundly dismiss Edina Gallovits-Hall, 6-0, 6-0, in the first round of the Australian Open. The ankle injury was a minor hurdle for Williams to overcome, given that Edina Gallovits-Hall is not an actual tennis player, but a dormitory on the campus of Sarah Lawrence College.
  • Dwyane Wade sat out the entire fourth quarter as the Miami Heat lost to the Utah Jazz, 104-97. “Dwyane’s a great prospect, but he’s got a lot of growing to do, and when you can put Rashard Lewis, Mike Miller, and Ray Allen on the floor together, you have to do it,” said a seemingly dazed Erik Spoelstra after the game. When asked if he was feeling OK, Spoelstra responded, “I can’t remember, but I might have bumped my head before the game. Also, I haven’t decided whether I’m voting for John Edwards or Howard Dean this primary season, so I’m not feeling great about that either.”
  • The Big Ten has announced that it’s considering renaming its “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions in 2014. “Well, we’re adding Rutgers,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, explaining the decision, “and we have to put them somewhere, so we couldn’t just maintain the status quo.”
  • Kevin O’Neill will no longer be USC’s head basketball coach, as he was let go on Monday, midway through his fourth year on the job. “We’re looking to get back to playing hoops the USC way,” said athletic director Pat Haden. Haden then Googled “men’s basketball head coach recruiting violations,” before asking associate athletic director Steve Lopes if he knew what Billy Gillispie was up to these days.
  • Louisville celebrated its new no. 1 ranking with a 73-58 romp at Connecticut. Connecticut alumnus Blair Whitson stiffened as he read the result in this morning’s paper. “Martha, did you see that the men’s team got romped again?” the Greenwich resident and retired hedge-fund manager asked his wife. “By some school from Kentucky, no less.” But she just stared at him, years of resentment simmering under the surface. “We’ll always live in the city,” he told her when they got married. “We’ll always stay true to who we are, this love we feel. I promise.” But the compromises they made in life snuck up on them. Now in her 50s, with both of the kids away at Colgate, all Mrs. Whitson had to live for was the moment when she could reveal to her husband that she knew about the infidelities. All of them. But she also knew that moment would never come; if it did, he would leave her, or worse, and she would die alone in this unfeeling world. “Did we remember to shut off the pipes in the country home,” Blair asked, not acknowledging his wife’s silence. “It’s going to dip into the teens tonight.” “I’ll call Javier, see if he can check on them,” she said, knowing full well she wouldn’t. If the pipes freeze, then maybe the country house will know my pain, she thought to herself, before deciding to bite on the basketball story. “Which school in Kentucky?” “Louisville.” “Oh, isn’t Greg’s new wife from Louisville?” “No, Lexington, but she’s been up here since she got that fellowship to teach at Trinity.” Again there was silence. “Of course, you couldn’t let me be right,” she screamed in her head, before retiring to the sitting room for a mid-morning gin and tonic.
  • Kansas overcame an ankle injury to star freshman Ben McLemore, beating Baylor, 61-44, in Lawrence. The ankle injury was a minor hurdle for Kansas, as they were playing against a team coached by Baylor head coach Scott Drew.
  • The AL West champion Oakland Athletics extended the contract of manager Bob Melvin through 2016. Oakland GM Billy Beane was effusive in his praise of Melvin, saying of the extension, “Bob’s OK. He usually plays my guys, and he’s willing to come to Oakland 81 times a year. Might as well keep him around.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Hawks, Baylor, Chicago Bulls, Dwyane Wade, Kansas, Louisville, Miami Heat, New England Patriots, Serena Williams, Uconn, USC, Utah Jazz

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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