About Last Night: Hamilton’s Four Play

HamiltonIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • Josh Hamilton hit four home runs — only the 16th time that feat has been accomplished in major league history — in a 10-3 win over the Orioles. “This seems like as good a time as any to start collapsing,” said Orioles manager Buck Showalter, as his players nodded in agreement. “I mean, if that’s not a sign … four home runs? Come on. See you in 2013. Maybe.”
  • Danny Granger (25 points) and the Indiana Pacers dealt a death blow to the Orlando Magic, winning Game 5 105-87 to take the first-round series 4-1. Coincidentally, “Death Blow” is also the name of the comic book Dwight Howard writes in his free time, about a religious athlete with a superman cape who fights a group of villains all named Van Gan Stundy.
  • Al Horford made two clutch baskets and a big defensive stop as Atlanta survived at home against the Celtics, winning 87-86 and closing the series gap to 3-2. It was Horford’s first start since January, when he suffered a torn pectoral muscle, and Hawks fans were annoyed to see that he’d completely stopped doing his hilarious chest bumps with the mascot, Beaky the Beaky Beak Hawk.
  • Luol Deng scored 26 in an ugly game as the Bulls avoided elimination with a 77-69 win over the 76ers. “I came into this series with what I thought was a pretty good scouting report based on real research,” said Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau to reporters. “But let me tell you, that team basically never scores 76 points on the dot. It’s a real red herring.”
  • Denver pulled off a stunner in L.A., absorbing a late comeback to hang on for a 102-99 win over the Lakers and pull to within 3-2 in the series. The late Laker charge fell short when Andre Miller pointed out that L.A. didn’t even have lakes, which led to a massive existential team crisis and some really awful identity poems written by Andrew Bynum.
  • The mask Kobe Bryant wore this season after breaking his nose raised $67,100 in a charity auction yesterday. “Meanwhile, I can’t give my jock away,” Bryant said, shaking his head. “Except for Nicholson. Nicholson’s offering weird amounts of money that I’m not comfortable with.”
  • Martin Brodeur registered 27 saves as the Devils reached the eastern conference finals with a 3-1 series clincher against the Flyers. For those keeping track at home, that’s one save for every year of Brodeur’s life. (Note: Joke written in 1973.)
  • Facing his first save situation since Mariano Rivera’s injury, Yankee closer David Robertson escaped a bases-loaded jam to seal a 5-3 victory over the Rays. After the game, Robertson walked tentatively up to his teammates, trying not to blush. “Would you guys … would, uh … would you mind calling me ‘Mo’? I’ve already got my girlfriend onboard.”
  • Lucas Duda hit a tie-breaking RBI single in the seventh as the Mets secured their fourth straight win, 7-4 against the Phillies. A group of anarchic cultural philosophers stood up and clapped randomly, muttering “so, so duda-esque” to each other.
  • Mike McQueary is planning to file a whistle-blower lawsuit against Penn State. Legal experts predict the complaint will be written in extremely small font to match the volume of McQueary’s whistle.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Denver Nuggets, Indiana Pacers, Josh Hamilton, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Playoffs, New Jersey Devils, New York Mets, New York Yankees, NHL Playoffs, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76Ers, Philadelphia Phillies, Texas Rangers

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere