About Last Night: Giants’ Ticker Tape Finale

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

  • The Super Bowl champion New York Giants were honored with a ticker tape parade and presented the keys to the city in Manhattan on Tuesday. Justin Tuck, a well-known creepo, spent last night using the keys to try to get into the Museum of Sex after hours.
  • Anthony Davis had 16 points, six boards, and four blocks as no. 1 Kentucky easily topped no. 7 Florida 78-58. After the game, Davis cornered his teammates in the locker room. “Guys,” the freshman said, “when I screamed ‘Welcome to Painesville!’ after every block, did it sound cool? Was it clear that it was a Gaineseville reference?” They mostly looked at the floor. “Sure, dude,” said Doron Lamb. “It was awesome. I really have to go, though.”

  • Appearing on the B.S. Report with Bill Simmons, Larry Bird said that of any current NBA player, he’d most like to play on a team with Kobe Bryant. In response, Kobe Bryant said that of any former NBA player, he’d most like to wait a few years until he retired and then play with Kobe Bryant.
  • Paul Pierce passed Larry Bird for second on the all-time Celtics scoring leaders list with 15 points in a 94-84 win over Charlotte. “It’s a great accomplishment, but he’ll never pass Larry Bird in our hearts,” Boston fans said in a statement released after the game, adding, “it’s because we’re racist. He’ll also never pass Brian Scalabrine in our hearts.”
  • LeBron James scored 24 points against his former team as the Heat coasted by the Cavaliers 107-91. James has now defeated the Cavs in five of six games since he left for Miami, only intensifying the national debate between liberals and conservatives about whether the team should be allowed to come off life support and pass away peacefully among family.
  • Memphis became the latest team to join the Big East, with its conference membership set to begin in 2013. “We’re psyched for some crazy rivalries with our new conference opponents,” said Memphis athletic director R.C. Johnson. “Such as the Rural Mississippi School for Rareified Mechanics, the Idaho State Nouveau-Agriculture Academy for Miscreants, Wyoming Gentleman’s Grooming College, the Winston-Salem Overpass Fishing & Alley Dice School, the Upper Peninsula Independent White Militia Compound, the Southern Wisconsin Vegetable Identification Bureau, Alfie’s Wacky Comedy Parlor, and, of course, the Franciscan Lady Monks Institute of the Greater Panhandle.”
  • Clayton Kershaw agreed to a two-year, $19 million deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. If he reaches performance milestones, the incentive-laden contract allows him to earn other bonuses, such as Frank McCourt’s old golf trophies, and a black, velvet-lined suitcase full of Jamie McCourt’s sex toys.
  • Ricky Williams is retiring from the NFL. “It’s time put myself out to pasture,” said Williams. “And oh man, do I need the grass.”
  • Despite blowing a third-round lead in Abu Dhabi two weeks ago, Tiger Woods said he is pleased with the state of his game heading into the Pebble Beach Pro-Am. “I’m definitely going to beat the Ams,” he said. “The Pros? Different story. They’re real professionals.”
  • Titans general manager Ruston Webster is trying to cool “Peyton Manning Fever” in Nashville, and insists that he’s happy with Matt Hasselbeck and Jake Locker at the helm. Ugh. I hate to tell you this, Mr. Webster, but Hasselbeck and Locker are no cures for Peyton Manning Fever. The only real cure for that is a mustard poultice, a full bottle of Nyquil, and several years of therapy. And honestly, you’re never really cured. Whenever I see his face, I still feel a little twinge, and I’m always in danger of relap-PEYTONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! AHHHHH LOVEEEEE MEEEEEE!!!!! I WILL HEALLLLLL YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Filed Under: About Last Night, Anthony Davis, B.S. Report, Big East, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Florida, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Los Angeles Dodgers, Miami Heat, New York Giants, Paul Pierce, Peyton Manning

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere