About Last Night: Flexing His Braun
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Ryan Braun’s 50-game suspension for violating MLB’s drug policy has been overturned on appeal. Details from the meeting are still foggy, but sources indicate that Braun demanded a trial by combat, and got all hyped up on testosterone before defeating one of Bud Selig’s 16 bastard sons.
- Linsanity is over forever. Jeremy Lin scored eight points on 1-11 shooting and turned the ball over eight times as the Knicks fell to the Miami Heat 102-88. The time has come … TO BURN HIM! BURN THE UPSTART! THIS IS AMERICA, JEREMY, WE CREATED YOU AND NOW WE WILL DESTROY YOU! THAT PEDESTAL YOU SEE BENEATH YOU DOUBLES AS A FUNERAL PYRE! WE ARE THE FICKLE PRINCES OF THE UNITED 50, AND WE SHALL NOT SPARE YOU THE FLAMES!
- Andre Dawkins scored 22 points on five-of-seven shooting from 3, and freshman wunderkind Austin Rivers scored 20 of his own as no. 4 Duke moved to first place in the ACC with a 74-66 win over no. 16 Florida State. This sets up a potential Duke-UNC showdown for the conference title at Cameron Indoor Stadium, and Carolina big man Tyler Zeller is so excited that he’s been devouring bags of shaved carrots all week.
- Nick Watney eliminated Tiger Woods in the second round of the Accenture Match Play Championship, winning on the 18th hole. “Classic Watney,” Tiger Woods laughed, standing at the press conference podium wearing nothing but a pair of swimmer’s goggles. “No biggie. My game and my life are onnnnn track. Choo choo!”
- Sources indicate that several NFL teams are interested in trading for the Rams’ no. 2 draft pick, possibly to land Baylor’s Robert Griffin III. The team’s front office met and spent about three hours talking about how awesome it would be if they could trade for every single kicker in the league, making them the only team with kickers on the roster. “It’s perrrrrrfect!” gushed Rams GM Les Snead as he sat cross-legged on a beanbag chair and sipped Hi-C with a twisty straw.
- Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger restructured his contract to help the team get under the salary cap for next season. “Anything to help us get Tebow!” he shrieked, flapping his hands.
- The Detroit Red Wings have finally lost. After an NHL record 23 straight wins at home, the Wings fell 4-3 to Vancouver. Proving, yet again, that Canada is death to everything cool. (Except the strip clubs in Montreal. Not that I’d know, I’m just … I heard it was fun, but I haven’t … I support feminism, so I would never … but … it’s sort of a French thing, so when you’re there … no no no no, I didn’t mean it like that, I love the French, I’m just … if anything, that’s not a stereotype. It’s not like I called them cowards, that would be more … no no no no, I’m not saying they are cowards, I was just giving what I took to be the popular perception … they haven’t exactly distinguished themselves lately, fighting-wise, but I feel like we’re getting off on the wrong foot … )
- In other NHL news, the Columbus Blue Jackets traded Jeff Carter to the L.A. Kings for Jack Johnson. Blue Jackets GM Scott Howson was reflective about the move. “I am a weary old man,” he said softly. “Hockey no longer interests me. I only wish to lay down upon my office, close my tired eyes, and listen to the gentle tones of a live man playing “Bubble Toes.”
- Joe Torre’s group has dropped its bid to buy the bankrupt Los Angeles Dodgers because owner Frank McCourt won’t sell them the parking lots outside the stadium. “We all know that if Frank owns the lots, he’ll fill them up with junk cars and pay homeless people to sleep in them, just to be a dick,” said Torre. “Not true,” McCourt countered while at the head of a phalanx of 500 homeless people.
- Personal Mottoes
- Worst Dates
- Worst Breakups
- Best/Worst Excuses
- Heckling Stories
- Weird Laws
- Animal Facts
ENOUGH WITH THIS JOKING!
It is that time, you sons and daughters of Grantland: PARTICIPATION FRIDAY!
Each week, I ask you, the reader, to submit your tales of triumph and tragedy. You’ve delivered in style over the past month on a variety of topics:
When I was a lad of 17, I got to go on my local news station to discuss whether my high school’s mascot should be changed from Redskins (offensive) to Red Storm (not offensive, except to Native American storms). It was the highlight of my young life, and I’m happy to tell you that I was on the side of good, even though I looked and sounded like an idiot. This week, I’d like to hear stories about your Fifteen Minutes of Fame. Good, bad, neutral, whatever — let’s see you at your most famous. As always, anonymity is allowed to prevent public humiliation, and humor is appreciated. Instant stardom awaits — I’ll run the top 10 emails on Monday.
Send your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, and have a great weekend.