About Last Night: Fear the Kershaw

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In case you were busy reconfronting traumatic memories related to seeing the movie Daredevil in theaters, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:

  • Los Angeles starter Clayton Kershaw’s phenomenal season continued in Miami, as he threw eight scoreless innings and lowered his ERA to 1.72 in the Dodgers’ 6-0 win over the Marlins. Of course, after the game Kershaw referred to the start as “terrible for the first couple of innings. I didn’t have command,” as his campaign to make everyone who is not Clayton Kershaw feel bad about themselves (The ME-WIN-F-BATs campaign) continued to gather steam.
  • Suspended Brewers slugger Ryan Braun published a lengthy apology in which he confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs during his 2011 MVP season. But after all the lies, how can we really be expected to believe this confession? Is there anything more suspicious than a man who said he is innocent of a crime suddenly reversing course and admitting his guilt? What does Ryan Braun really have to hide? Perhaps his innocence? Maybe? Eh? Ehhhhhhh? No? No? I’m hearing no. OK, moving on …
  • Reds starter Mat Latos threw another gem, while Diamondbacks pitchers combined to throw four wild pitches, in Cincinnati’s 2-1 win over Arizona. “I’ve heard of deuces wild, but fours wild?” asked Reds manager Dusty Baker before freezing in place for an uncomfortably long period of time. After about 90 seconds passed, Baker continued, “I, uh, I haven’t heard of that. Fours wild. Lot of wild pitches. What time is it?”
  • Tiger Woods fired a bogey-free 67 and sits three strokes behind leader Kevin Stadler at the Barclays. Stadler, of course, is most notable for having the most boring nickname on the PGA Tour: “the Stadler,” given to him one night by a half-drunk Mark O’Meara doing a Rob Schneider impression. “I can’t believe that stuck,” the Stadler said after his round, while not making any copies, “and no, I’m not making any copies. I’m never making copies. Stop looking at me like I might make copies.”
  • The Oklahoma Sooners surprised many observers by naming redshirt freshman Trevor Knight as their starting quarterback. Head coach Bob Stoops spoke confidently about his choice, saying, “Trevor is the guy who can get us as close as possible to a national title without winning it. I mean, look at last year. Manziel at A&M. Mariota at Oregon. If you want to almost win a title, you go with a freshman, and boy howdy do I want to almost win a title.”
  • Playing without star winger Gareth Bale, who is heavily rumored to be on his way to Real Madrid, Tottenham Hotspur still managed to romp in their Europa League opener, beating Dinamo Tbilisi 5-0 in Georgia. “Man, I haven’t seen a romp against a team from Georgia like that since Tebow’s days as a Gator,” said Icelandic Spurs midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson in reference to the 2008 iteration of the Florida-Georgia rivalry. When asked how he knew so much about American college football, Sigurdsson said, “It’s, how would you say it, what the ‘hip stores’ in my country watch: the game where the Southern men run into each other occasionally over the period of four hours.” Sigurdsson then asked, “So is the Tebow getting cut?” before laughing at himself for making what he considered to be an absurdly obscure reference.
  • Cowboys legend Roger Staubach threw his support behind current Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, saying, “If there’s a bigger Romo fan in town, I don’t know who it is.” Romo, when asked, said he was flattered by the comments, but went on to say, “She doesn’t live in this town, but I do know a bigger Romo fan than Staubach. Fucking Björk. She won’t stop calling me and giggling. I don’t get it at all.”
  • The Detroit Lions dominated in all phases of the game, blowing out the New England Patriots, 40-9, in preseason play. Despite the loss, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady remained upbeat, and retreated to the film room after the game to try to pull some lessons out of the carnage. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick came into the room shortly after to check in on his star quarterback. “What are you doing here, Tom? Get outta here,” Bill said as he saw his star player watching his one interception on a loop. “What do I wanna way outta here for?” Brady replied. “I’m gonna work here the rest of my fuckin’ life. We’ll be coworkers, I’ll have more little kids, we’ll take ‘em to Little League up at Foley Field.” Belichick interrupted, “Look, you’re my best player, so don’t take this the wrong way, but, in 20 years, if you’re still workin’ here, comin’ over to the stadium, watchin’ the Patriots games, workin’ here, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya. That’s not a threat, that’s a fact, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya.” Brady was taken aback, “What the fuck you talkin’ about?” Belicheck kept in on his star, “You got somethin’ none of us have … ” but Brady, having heard this before, shot back, “Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin’ owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don’t want to?” But Belicheck laid down the law: “No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don’t owe it to yourself, man, you owe it to me. Because tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 90, and I’ll still be doin’ this shit. And that’s all right. That’s fine. This is literally the only thing I can do. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winnin’ lottery ticket. And you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that’s bullshit. ‘Cause I’d do fuckin’ anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years. You have all the money, a supermodel wife, a house with a moat. Fucking enjoy it. Hangin’ around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time. Every day I come by the film room and I watch you. And after practice we go out. We talk about what you learned, you have a few laughs while I almost grin, and it’s great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about 10 seconds, from when I walk by the video room and when I get to the door, ’cause I think, maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No good-bye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arizona Diamondbacks, Cincinnati Reds, Dallas Cowboys, Detroit Lions, Los Angeles Dodgers, Miami Marlins, Milwaukee Brewers, New England Patriots, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Tony Romo

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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