About Last Night: Fear the Cubs

In case you were busy talking yourself into Marcedes Lewis’s fantasy bounce-back potential, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Clayton Kershaw was outpitched by Cubs starter Travis Wood, and the Dodgers were unable to finish a late rally, falling 3-2 to the Chicago Cubs. Kershaw, whose inefficiency forced him out of the game in the sixth inning despite giving up only one earned run, stared at his left arm with a furrowed brow after the game, saying, “The Cubs? Really, buddy? Come on. You’re better than that. We’re better than that. Yeah? Yeah? You agree. Nod if you agree.” Kershaw then waved his arm around in agreement before saying, “OK, now what do you say we go grab a bag of ice and a pizza and put this whole thing behind us, eh?”
  • Mariners closer Danny Farquhar’s 10th-inning balk proved decisive as the Texas Rangers topped Seattle 4-3. Seattle manager Eric Wedge was heated after the game, yelling at the gathered press, “No, the most Mariners way to lose a game is not to balk in the winning run you idiots. It’s to somehow leave the bases loaded in four separate innings without scoring a single run. Also, Felix Hernandez is on the hill and only allows a single run when a Raul Ibanez defensive miscue makes what should have been an easy flyout become an inside-the-park home run. That’s a real Mariners loss. This? This was an old-school Indians loss.”
  • The Pittsburgh Pirates, on pace for their first winning season in decades, acquired Marlon Byrd and John Buck from the Mets to bolster their roster as they fight for the NL Central crown. “We always suspected that a team could acquire players off of waivers,” Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said of the move. “I mean, we’ve sent guys away that way, and we assumed they ended up somewhere. We have a pneumatic tube for that, sending middling veterans to contending teams in August. It’s our Jack Wilson Memorial Pneumatic Tube. But to use it to acquire a player? Unheard of.”
  • Victoria Duval, at 17 years old, scored the upset of the U.S. Open thus far, knocking off former champion Sam Stosur 5-7, 6-4, 6-4 to secure her first career Grand Slam win. Now as you know, we here at About Last Night are all about debate, so don’t you think the media fawning over Duval might be the start of a slippery slope? Just because she showed grit, poise, and class in Flushing Meadows doesn’t mean she can’t be devoured by fame like everyone else. If this continues, pretty soon Vicky Tennis will be out there signing autographs and driving fancy cars around like she’s entitled to do so just because she’s good at sports. The official About Last Night position is that no one should watch her next match, or follow any young athletes lest they potentially disappoint us in the future.
  • Andy Pettitte was sharp, Yankees second baseman Robinson Cano escaped an injury scare relatively unscathed, and Alfonso Soriano hit his 400th career home run in New York’s 7-1 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. “Unscathed you say,” said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman, who was dressed in a homemade flying squirrel suit. “Well that’s a relief. Now, um, everybody leave. Because I need to change. Because I no longer feel the need to test my ability to fly from the top of Yankee Stadium into the East River. Which is a normal impulse to have. Everyone has had it, stop looking at me like that.”
  • Patriots owner Robert Kraft said he’s “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the team but is leaving the final decision to head coach Bill Belichick. Belichick was not available for comment, as he was busy hanging a sword from its handle with a single piece of horsehair over Tebow’s locker.
  • Striker Daniel Sturridge scored two goals as Liverpool fought off an upset-hungry Notts County, needing extra time to secure a 4-2 win and advancement into the third round of the League Cup. That they pushed the former European champions to extra time was a great accomplishment for League One’s Notts County, which of course originated as a spinoff from the more popular Dallashire Town, which was best known in the ’70s for producing star winger Patrice Duffy.
  • Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III said that for the first time since suffering a knee injury last January he is “100 percent.” “Good enough for me,” said Washington head coach Mike Shanahan, who immediately threw himself into Griffin’s surgically repaired knee, injuring his own shoulder in the process.

Filed Under: About Last Night, Chicago Cubs, Liverpool, Los Angeles Dodgers, New England Patriots, New York Mets, New York Yankees, Pittsburgh Pirates, Robert Griffin Iii, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers, Tim Tebow, Toronto Blue Jays, U.S. Open, Washington Redskins

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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