About Last Night: Et Tu, Jets?
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- According to a New York Daily News report, several Jets players questioned Mark Sanchez’s work ethic and wondered if the team might be better off with Peyton Manning. Friends of Sanchez tentatively brought him the article, telling him he should probably read it. “Ehhh,” said Sanchez, biting into a donut. “Don’t really feel like reading.”
- The Miami Heat made exactly one field goal in the last seven minutes of regulation and overtime, losing to the Clippers 95-89. Scoring just one basket in that stretch can only be called disappointing, unless you’re LeBron’s psychoanalyst, in which case it can be called “a breakthrough.”
- Kobe Bryant reached the 40-point mark for the second straight game as the Lakers squeaked by the Jazz 90-87 in overtime. Andrew Bynum blocked Al Jefferson’s last-second jumper to seal the victory, after which Kobe forced head coach Mike Brown to suspend him for getting “too high and mighty.”
- With Derrick Rose sitting out because of turf toe, John Lucas III scored 25 points to lead the Bulls by the Wizards 78-64. I hate to start nasty rumors, but you have to wonder if this is why Lucas kept daring Rose to go on all those freezing barefoot turf runs last week.
- Despite shooting just 33 percent from the field, no. 13 Michigan eked out a close one over Northwestern, winning 66-64 in overtime. Afterward, some pundits speculated that the Northwestern players might have been hampered on the court by their oversized backpacks stuffed with biology textbooks.
- Dion Waiters scored 20 points and grabbed five boards as no. 1 Syracuse moved to 18-0 on the season with a 79-66 win over Villanova. The Orange have a good chance to continue their undefeated streak in the coming weeks, provided most of their players avoided the Philadelphia postgame tradition of having their lives threatened by a predominantly murderous fan base.
- An ESPN poll has shown that Tim Tebow is now America’s favorite athlete. The poll, which surveyed men and women of different racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds at evangelical Christian churches in all 50 states, has been verified as statistically definitive.
- At the first of three meetings with alumni, Penn State president Rodney Erickson spoke to an audience of 600 in Pittsburgh. As you might imagine, the alums were primarily concerned with the fact that a person in a position of power had sullied the school’s reputation and endangered children by engaging in rampant child abuse on university property. Oh, wait, no … THEY ONLY GAVE A S— THAT PATERNO WAS FIRED. NICE JOB AS USUAL, AMERICA!
- Manny Ramirez promised that if a Major League Baseball team takes a chance on him, he’ll be a role model. “As long as that baseball team is the Sacramento Dickheads,” he clarified.
- Robert Griffin III has declared his love for the NFL draft. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Let me see … oh, he just declared for the NFL draft. As in, made himself eligible. Not “declared his love.” That makes more sense. I mean, the draft is great and all, but that just seemed overboard, even for a loon like Griffin … anyway, what are you doing tonight? You free to see a movie or something? No? That’s cool. Text me if you change your mind.
Filed Under: About Last Night, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Mark Sanchez, Miami Heat, Michigan, New York Jets, Penn State, Peyton Manning, Robert Griffin Iii, Syracuse, Tim Tebow, Utah Jazz