About Last Night: Down Goes Sparty
In case you were busy blowing $100k on trying to bump into a professional football player, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- Roy Williams improved to 7-0 against Tom Izzo since taking the helm at North Carolina as the Tar Heels upset the top-ranked Michigan State Spartans 79-65 on the road. When told of his dominant run against Izzo, Williams shrugged and replied, “Who’s Tom Izzo?” When told that Izzo has been the head coach at Michigan State for almost 20 years, Williams looked concerned and replied, “Man, you really think I would have heard of that guy. But I’ll be honest, I had no idea there even was a Michigan State. Michigan, sure, but Michigan State? No idea.” When told that Michigan State was the team he had just played, and that there was no need to continue with the head games as his team had already won, Williams said, “Head games, what are those? Who has even heard of head games? Unless you’re referring to the song ‘Head Games’ by Foreigner. I’ve heard of that.” Williams then winked and added, “I bet that Izzo guy you were talking about is a real big Foreigner fan, if you know what I mean.”
- Portland snapped Oklahoma City’s eight-game win streak with a 111-104 win over the Thunder. Despite the win, a lackluster shooting night for Trail Blazers guard Wesley Matthews knocked him out of the league’s top spot in True Shooting Percentage. Heading into the game, the top five in that category were Matthews, Kyle Korver, LeBron James, Ryan Anderson, and Samuel Dalembert, notable for all being professional basketball players who shoot more accurately than you might expect, and having literally nothing else in common.
- Indiana ended a losing streak in Salt Lake City that dated back to 2005, topping Utah 95-86 to keep its torrid start to the season going. “Wait, why am I not remembering that win?” asked Pacers fan Annie Bryant. “Or that season? Or that team? It’s like the memory palace that is my mind has been corrupted in some way.” Bryant then looked off into the distance and whispered, “Palace” to herself, before snapping back and adding, “Nope, nothing.”
- Down Jeremy Lin, Chandler Parsons, and Omer Asik, the Houston Rockets were unable to handle the Phoenix Suns, falling 97-88 at home. “Yeah, but win or lose I had a total blast tonight,” said Rockets center Dwight Howard after his team’s loss. “I mean, I went up to Markieff and Marcus Morris and was all like, ‘And twins!’ to them.” Howard then started laughing and said, “I did it like 15 times, and somehow it never stopped being the funniest. Also, how good is Coors Light? I mean, is that not the best beer in America?”
- The Philadelphia Flyers overturned a second-period deficit with four third-period goals as they topped the Detroit Red Wings 6-3. But the comeback was too late for one man, Philadelphia superfan Gene Fallows, who spent the second intermission on a “hunger strike” to protest the Flyers’ lackluster play. Unfortunately for Gene and the municipality of Philadelphia, he believed a hunger strike to be drinking a rack of Rolling Rock on an empty stomach, and he spent the better part of the evening staggering through the streets of Philly, peeing on lampposts and then asking them what they were looking at.
- Luis Suárez single-handedly eviscerated Norwich City, scoring four goals and assisting on a fifth as Liverpool beat the Canaries 5-1. Suárez has credited his startlingly productive run to start the season on his “hunger strike” protesting the suspension he served after biting Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic. Fortunately for Luis and the municipality of Liverpool, Suárez believes a hunger strike means taking some time off from biting people in the workplace.
- San Antonio’s game against Minnesota in Mexico City was postponed after an electrical fire at the arena filled the court with smoke. “Yeah, electrical fire,” said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich with a smile as he wrote “perfectly well rested” next to every player’s name in his leather-bound fatigue tracking ledger.