About Last Night: Don’t Mess With Texas

In case you were even busier not making up with Sergio Garcia, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Despite an epic comeback to force overtime, Tim Duncan and Tony Parker proved to be too much for the Memphis Grizzlies, who fell into a 2-0 hole in the Western Conference finals after falling, 93-89, to the San Antonio Spurs. “All praise to Tim for this win,” Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said after the game. “He spends his offseasons as a scoutmaster, so bear traps are kind of his thing. And in this case he set a really good one made out of leafy foliage and letting Jerryd Bayless try to beat us. I was nervous it wasn’t going to hold, but Tim’s such a calm presence that we stuck with it and came out of there with another trophy for our mantle.” Popovich then laughed nervously and added, “figuratively.”
  • Joe Thornton led the San Jose Sharks to a hard-fought 2-1 win over the Los Angeles Kings to even up their series at two games apiece. When asked if Thornton was a thorn in his team’s side, Kings coach Darryl Sutter said, “No. He’s a Thornton on their side.” When asked again, Sutter angrily replied, “You want your headline? Here’s your headline: Sharks Swim Over Deposed Kings as Thornton Proves a Thorn in the Too Slow Quick’s Side.” Sutter then yelled angrily, “You monsters! Look what’s become of you. Making me, Daryl Sutter, utter those words in that order! Look what’s become of me!”
  • The Boston Bruins scored two third-period goals to beat the New York Rangers, 2-1, and take a commanding 3-0 lead in their Eastern Conference semifinal matchup. Or as its known in Boston-New York sports lore, “Time to remind everybody about that time Dave Roberts stole a base and everything changed.”
  • Chris Dickerson hit two solo home runs and Nate McLouth hit a walk-off home run as the Baltimore Orioles snapped a six-game losing streak with a 10-inning win over the New York Yankees, 3-2. “Dickerson and I, we’re both on the wrong side of 30,” McLouth said after the game. “So nights like this are special. I mean, I have some thoughts on getting older, but I think they could be best summed up by this hilarious link I saw come across my Facebook from some website called BuzzFeed: ‘The 28 Ways You Know You’re in Your 30s.’ I mean, there’s a GIF of an angry cat below the words, ‘When someone tells you you’re past your prime.’ So perfect! Also, there was a picture of the kids from Small Wonder that was all like, ‘You know who these kids are.’ I totally do! Who comes up with this stuff?”
  • For the third time in 11 years, the Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, and they can only hope it will be as successful as those previous two first overall picks, LeBron James and Kyrie Irving. The Orlando Magic will pick second, and based on past drafts in which the Cavaliers picked first, will pick a tall guy with tons of upside, a high motor, a real basketball body, the wingspan of a condor, elusiveness in the mid-post, nimble fingers, lots of upsee-downsees, twistability from the knees to the gullet, and nuts right up to his chock-full, who will provide massively disappointing production for his team.
  • Mike Trout hit for the cycle as the Los Angeles Angeles thrashed the Seattle Mariners, 12-0. Trout became the youngest player to accomplish the feat since Cesar Cedeno did so in 1972 while playing for the Houston Astros. “Are you kidding me?” Trout, a noted student of the game, asked after being told that fact after the game. “That’s the one historical comparable to myself I’m trying to avoid becoming. For so many reasons. All of the reasons. Damn. I was going to go to a club to celebrate. Now I obviously can’t. I can’t go home to my girlfriend either. Guess the Troutmaster is sleeping in the car tonight. Thanks a lot.”
  • MLS announced the formation of its 20th franchise, New York City FC, a joint venture between the owners of the New York Yankees and Manchester City FC. Expect the upstart new franchise to be a fan favorite among fans who support both dynastic franchises that win by outspending their opponents and nouveau riche franchises that win by outspending their opponents.
  • Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim commented publicly on former Orange star Carmelo Anthony’s most recent exit from the NBA playoffs, saying Anthony will never win a championship on a team constituted as the Knicks currently are. Boeheim went on to say, “Let’s face it, how much 2-3 did the Knicks run? Almost none. How much 2-3 did I run when we won the national title? Almost all. We ran almost all of the 2-3. When you went to the store that year, and you asked the clerk for 2-3, they’d be like, ‘Man, let’s see what we have, yeah, I guess we have a little, but it’s real pricey, because Ol’ Jimmy B and his best friend Melo seem to have purchased up most of it.’ And then you’d be like, ‘Can I get a copy of that Evanescence CD,’ and they’d be all like, ‘Man, I don’t know. Ol’ Jimmy B and his best friend Melo keep buying up our stock. They really are bonding over their love of Evanescence.’ And then you’d be all like, ‘What about a DVD copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding,’ and they’d be all like, ‘Yeah, Ol’ Jimmy B and his best friend Melo rented that one time, and watched it together. They said they liked it, but they weren’t going to buy all of it or anything.’”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Bruins, Carmelo Anthony, Cleveland Cavaliers, Los Angeles Kings, Memphis Grizzlies, MLS, New York Knicks, New York Rangers, New York Yankees, San Antonio Spurs, San Jose Sharks, Seattle Mariners, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker

spikeheadshot

Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

Archive @ SpikeFriedman