In case you were busy making sure your Friday would be sufficiently freaky, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- Steph Curry poured in 36 as the Golden State Warriors beat the Miami Heat, 123-114, to claim their seventh consecutive victory. “That’s a really good team,” Heat forward LeBron James said of the Warriors after the game. “But that’s an indoor team from California. I mean, can they do it in a winter night in New York?”
- The Oklahoma Sooners created 28 points off Alabama turnovers en route to a shocking 45-31 Sugar Bowl win over the Crimson Tide. “What the hell is this pudgy body? I must have had one too many helpings of Hoppin’ John this New Year’s,” Sooners head coach Bob Stoops said the morning before the game, before popping in his contacts and looking in the mirror. “Lucifer no, I’m Bob Stoops!” Stoops yelled at his own reflection. “But, but I can’t be Bob Stoops, I’m Nick Saban!” It was true: Saban’s mind was in Stoops’s body. But how? Suddenly Saban/Stoops remembered a fateful moment from the previous evening when he and Stoops/Saban shook hands while peeing in adjacent urinals at the New Orleans Marriott. “The urinals!” Saban in Stoops’s body yelled as he thrust a fist into the sky. “Well there’s only one thing left to do. Roll. Boomin’. Tide.”
- The Philadelphia 76ers beat the Sacramento Kings, 113-104, on the road wait, what? A 76ers road win against a Western Conference opponent? Sure, it’s the Kings, but that seems a dubious proposition at best. Let’s move on.
- The Brooklyn Nets beat the Oklahoma City Thunder, 95-93 OK, no. Just stop. Come on. I wasn’t born yesterday. Can we please find a plausible Atlantic Division result?
- The New York Knicks beat the San Antonio Spurs, 105-101? STFU. The Atlantic Division went 3-0 against the Western Conference today? Paradox. Impossible paradox. If a basketball game happens in Sacramento and nobody but some cowbell-toting Kings fans are there to see it, does it get to fabricate its own result? If Kevin Durant goes to Brooklyn, and Rick Barnes is nowhere to be found, can he really lose to a Nets team that is missing Brook Lopez? If a Gregg Popovich–coached team loses to the Knicks can we just agree that maybe the NBA should invalidate the day’s results in order to maintain the integrity of the league? Paradoxes.
- T.J. Oshie scored two goals and Brian Elliott made 30 saves as their St. Louis Blues shut out the Los Angeles Kings, 5-0. Oshie attributed the Blues’ onslaught to “[Kings captain] Dustin Brown calling me Oshie Koshie B’Goshie. Then he called me overalls. Then he called me strap. Then he called me the Boy With the Arab Strap. Then he called me Belle and Sebastian. Then he asked me if the J in my name stood for Johann Sebastian Bach. And every time he poked his fun we scored a goal.” Oshie then shook his head to fight back tears and added, “But the goals can’t make the hurt go away. The hurt is all over. It’s like I’m wearing overalls made out of hurt. Oshie Koshie B’Goshie overalls made of Damn it!”
- Top-rated high school running back Leonard Fournette chose LSU over Alabama and Texas at the Under Armour All-America game. While Fournette projects to be an impact player for the Tigers, one must question their decision to overlook his numerically superior rivals Leo Fivenette and Lenny Sextet. And don’t ask if there’s a Lionel Sevenette, because there is, but he’s already committed as a striker with the soccer academy at Juventus.
- Top-ranked Arizona held the Washington State Cougars to a mere seven first-half points as the Wildcats ran their record to 14-0 with a 60-25 win. This is a classic example of the best defense not being a good offense, but instead being a really, really good defense playing a terrible offense. That’s a way better defense than any defense based on offensive principles.