About Last Night: Colts Forget To Suck

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • In what may have been his last home game as a Colt, Reggie Wayne grabbed the game-winning touchdown reception in a stunning 19-16 win over the Texans. The Colts are now tied with the Vikings and Rams for the worst record in the NFL, ensuring that we’ll probably have to hear the spiritually unsettling phrase “suck for Luck” over and over in the next two weeks until we suffer a mental breakdown.

  • No. 7 Boise State, denied a chance at a BCS bowl, drubbed Arizona State 56-24 in the MAACO Bowl Las Vegas. “It was disappointing not to be in a BCS bowl,” said quarterback Kellen Moore, “but I think we all know the second-best outcome.” He then smiled knowingly, took a potato from behind his back, and bit into it. Confused reporters eventually learned that Moore thought he’d just won the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.
  • Phil Pressley’s 18 points helped the no. 8 Missouri Tigers survive a home scare against no. 24 Illinois and pull out a 78-74 win. And here I thought he wouldn’t want to be a Tiger, considering their rough style of play. (If you actually get this nerdy excuse for a joke, email tobaccordblues@gmail.com and I’ll choose a random winner to mention in the first post of the new year.)
  • Former running backs Jamal Lewis and Dorsey Levens are suing the NFL over concussions. Upon hearing the news, NFL lawyers immediately phoned their old friends at Big Tobacco and asked if they could borrow the “Lung Cancer is a Myth” strategy binder again.
  • Lakers forward Matt Barnes expressed annoyance at the way the Clippers celebrated after their dunks in Wednesday’s win, and specifically accused Blake Griffin of flopping. When he heard Barnes’ words, Griffin flopped in his living room, earning a questionable flagrant foul.
  • Quarterback Matt Barkley will stay at USC for his senior season. When asked why, Barkley said he wants to finally work up the courage to approach a girl before he has to go out into the professional world and find a wife.
  • Carlos Beltran and the Cardinals agreed to a two-year, $26 million contract. And I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait to constantly compare him unfavorably to Albert Pujols. In fact, let’s start now — only two years? What kind of commitment is that? Albert only signs long contracts. He’s a family man. As far as I know, Beltran hates his family. He’s selfish, and he’s a bad person.
  • Barry Bonds will appeal his felony conviction for obstruction of justice and try to avoid a 30-day house arrest sentence that includes two years of probation. “I hate staying inside for that long,” said Bonds. “And keep this between us, but my house is full of dangerous needles. It’s not safe.”
  • Nets center Brooke Lopez broke a metatarsal bone in his foot against the Knicks on Wednesday and will have to undergo surgery that will keep him out until at least mid-February. It’s bad news for Lopez, but surgery is a more attractive option than Russian owner Mikhail Prokhorov’s initial suggestion to take Lopez behind a scrim and euthanize him on the court.

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Filed Under: About Last Night, Blake Griffin, Boise State, Houston Texans, Illinois, Indianapolis Colts, Matt Barkley, St. Louis Cardinals, USC

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere