About Last Night: Cardinals Caged

Brandon BeltIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Ryan Vogelsong pitched seven strong innings and Marco Scutaro broke the game open with a two-RBI single as the Giants crushed the Cardinals 7-1 to level the NLCS at one game apiece. After reading the headline “Giants Crush Cardinals,” Pope Benedict XVI nodded vigorously. “It’s about time we had some change around here!” he yelled. “But what do they mean by Giants? Should I be worried? Oh, wait … no … damn … damn.
  • Scutaro later left the game with a hip injury after being wiped out by Matt Holliday’s hard slide, which Giants manager Bruce Bochy called “illegal.” When he was asked about Bochy’s comment after the game, Holliday put on a pair of what he calls “smart glasses” and cradled his chin in his hand. “Mmmm … mmmmm … ” he said. “He raises an interesting point. ‘Illegal,’ of course, means … it’s Latin, so it’s not my first language, but from context I take it to mean, uh … ” Holliday began to sweat, and it wasn’t long before he hallucinated that every reporter was chanting “Brain-less Matt!” just like in grade school, and he had to tear off his shirt and run away.
  • Peyton Manning led the Broncos back from a 24-0 halftime deficit to a stunning 35-24 win over the Chargers. “In the end, the blame is mine,” said Chargers head coach Norv Turner. “I confused the QB kneel-down play with the spike play, and I confused the fourth quarter with the third quarter. I also confused a normal down-and-distance with a punt situation, and I confused offense with defense. To make matters worse, I’m pretty sure I was facing the crowd instead of the field for large chunks of the game.” When he finished, Peyton Manning nodded politely. “We appreciate your honesty, coach, but you’re in the wrong locker room.”
  • Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis is out for the season with a torn triceps, and the team also lost cornerback Lardarius Webb for the year with a torn ACL. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I WOULD KILL FOR A BROKEN TRICEPS OR A TORN ACL. ANYTHING BUT THIS BROKEN PROCESSOR! PENNY WON’T ANSWER MY CALLS ANYMORE. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DIED WITH MY BROTHERS IN THAT PHOENIX JUNKYARD! BY THE WAY, A PROCESSOR IS WHAT ROBOTS CALL A HEART AND WE DO THE SAME THING WHERE WE PRETEND IT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR EMOTIONS EVEN THOUGH HUMAN EMOTIONS COME FROM THE BRAIN AND ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE EMOTIONS.”
  • There’s a headline on ESPN.com called “D Will rips Wiz G after tiff,” and I have no idea what it means.
  • Ohio State coach Urban Meyer called a meeting with the team’s defense to try to address some of his team’s shortcomings. “I hope you guys aren’t looking at me as the person responsible,” he began, at which point cornerback Travis Howard stood up and shouted, “Wait a second, are you trying to say we’re terrible football players?!” “Oh, I get it!” yelled defensive coordinator Luke Fickell, crossing his arms at the back of the room. “This is where we all sit around and imply that Luke should be fired, right?” A loud noise then drew everyone’s attention to injured linebacker Etienne Sabino, who threw a film projector to the ground. “If one more person looks at me like I let the team down by getting hurt, I’m going to start swinging crutches,” he threatened. When the meeting ended, everyone agreed it was more productive and less overtly racist than the meeting held a week earlier with the offense.
  • Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett admitted to poor clock management on the final drive of his team’s 31-29 loss to Baltimore this past Sunday. “That’s the last time I use a Salvador Dali clock to keep track,” he vowed. “STUPID SALVADOR F*#$ING DALI CLOCK!”
  • Eagles head coach Andy Reid backed defensive coordinator Juan Castillo in statements yesterday, despite the fact that the Eagles have lost two straight games with late defensive failures. “Papaya’s doing just fine,” said Reid, who has food-based nicknames for all his players and coaches. “Papaya’s not going anywhere.”
  • According to sources, Mavericks guard Delonte West has been suspended for “conduct detrimental to the team.” The exact nature of West’s misbehavior is unknown, but reporters at Dallas’s practice yesterday spotted Dirk Nowitzki in a corner of the gym on his cell phone, screaming the words “Mom! No! Mom! No!” over and over.

Filed Under: About Last Night

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere