About Last Night: Bulls Looking for Help

Carlos BoozerIn case you were busy deciding who to eat first in case this whole blizzard thing gets out of hand, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • The Chicago Bulls and Toronto Raptors are reportedly exploring a trade that would send Carlos Boozer to Toronto in exchange for Andrea Bargnani. When Bulls general manger Gar Forman came down to practice to address the exploratory trade rumors, Boozer responded, “Oh, I didn’t know we were exploring trades.” Boozer then brought out a pile of furs and silks, and began to barter aggressively with reserve power forward Taj Gibson. When Gibson passed on Boozer’s textiles, Boozer began hawking his wares to Kirk Hinrich, using his signature catchphrase, “Can you smell the Booze stank in the room?! Because I must be drunk to have prices this low!” Boozer wound up trading three silk scarves, a knit shawl, and a beaver pelt to Bulls assistant coach Adrian Griffin in exchange for a side of goat, which Boozer then roasted for his teammates as a traditional offering to show he wasn’t concerned with the rumors. The Bulls, overfull with goat, then lost to the Nuggets, 128-96, in Denver.
  • The Boston Celtics embarrassed the Los Angeles Lakers, as Kevin Garnett scored his 25,000th career point in a 116-95 Celtics win. Lakers center Dwight Howard voiced his disappointment after the game saying, “Garnett may have a lot of points, but the guy plays dirty. Like, tonight, he kept bumping into me, which was unfair, because it made it harder for me to rebound the basketball. Also, he kept standing in front of me with his arms in the air when I was holding the basketball. That made it harder to score points with the basketball. And then, when I shot free throws, he kept talking about how I’m not good at shooting free throws, which is extra hurtful because it’s true. It was almost like he wanted me to be bad at basketball. What’s his deal?”
  • Illinois shocked the Indiana Hoosiers, 74-72, with a last-second layup from Tyler Griffey, marking the fifth week in a row in which the nation’s top-ranked college basketball team has lost. “It’s like the Year of the Four Emperors in Rome,” said Indiana forward and classics major Cody Zeller. “It fits perfectly: Calipari is Nero, and then Duke was Galba … I’m sorry, why is everyone walking away from my locker! National Player of the Year candidate over here! Student athlete! I thought you guys liked it when we studied. Seriously, where’s everyone going? If I’m getting assassinated like Caesar on the steps of the Senate, I’d prefer that went down on the Ides of March for the sake of historical verisimilitude! Ha! Get it? Seriously though, did everyone leave?”
  • Duke won its in-state showdown with NC State, 98-85, in an offensive affair. M. Plumlee led the way with 30 points and 9 rebounds as a confused scorekeeper combined the efforts of brothers Mason, Marshall, Maurice, Michael, Matthew, Martin, Morton, Marcus, Markus, Mendel, Mumford, Mimzy, Melon, Moodle, Mugworth, Mippo, Mango, Steph Curry, Morvyn, M’Steve, and “The Scottish Play,” in a single line in the box score.
  • Sidney Crosby extended his consecutive point streak to six games as the Pittsburgh Penguins destroyed the Washington Capitals, 5-2, at home. Crosby, whose rivalry with Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals has become increasingly one-sided, said after the game, “It’s nice to beat a rival, but it’s also disappointing when it’s this easy. Mostly because it feels like the decline for them was so sudden. Like, last thing I remember, three years ago we were neck and neck, then like, I remember being at the Season of the Witch premiere with Nicolas Cage, and then things get kind of fuzzy, and now we’re really good and they’re really bad. But man, Season of the Witch — that movie must have done a number on my head. It’s like, is she a witch? Is Nic Cage the witch? I don’t remember it being that affecting at the time, but for some reason that movie, released January 7, 2011, changed everything for me.”
  • The NFL has reinstated Gregg Williams after his role in the New Orleans Saints’ bounty scandal; Williams was then hired as a senior assistant coach by the Tennessee Titans. Titans head coach Mike Munchak said, “I know he’s controversial, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make some really awesome Tennessee Williams jokes. Here, let me try one out: ‘Hey, Gregg, check out that cat, over there, on top of the practice facility, while it’s hot out, and maybe the roof is made of tin.’” After a long and awkward pause, Munchak explained, “Well, I could say that if there was a cat on the practice facility, because Tennessee Williams wrote Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. That’s probably not going to come up very often, though. Oh, wait, I’ve got it! If he tells me someone is hurt, I can call them a member of Gregg’s glass menagerie. Eh? Man, this is really going to blow up in my face, isn’t it?”
  • The Seattle Mariners and Felix Hernandez have reportedly agreed to a record-breaking, five-year contract extension worth $135.5 million. However, since the deal is not yet official, when asked about the move, Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik said only, “Well, the last official transaction we’ve made is our one-year deal with free agent catcher Kelly Shoppach. So, let’s just say, we’re ecstatic about this Kelly Shoppach move that we’ve made. We really feel like this Kelly Shoppach move has solidified our pitching rotation. Kelly Shoppach is the sort of player we see going into the Hall of Fame after finishing his career as a Mariner. After Kelly Shoppach’s perfect game last year, we in the front office decided we’d go a little outside of our regular comfort zone in terms of the amount of years we would offer to Kelly Shoppach, if Kelly Shoppach was willing to negotiate with us. We know people come to the ballpark to see Kelly Shoppach. So we are genuinely proud to give our fans what they want: Kelly Shoppach.”
  • Russell Knox and Hunter Mahan share the lead at 6-under at the Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. On the Pro-Am combined leaderboard, Jason Day and Jim Harbaugh currently sit in a tie for third, but are awaiting the results of their petition to dock Darius Rucker and Jim Furyk three strokes for some very obvious illegal drops on the 18th green. “It doesn’t matter if it’s happening in a Pro-Am charity tournament, and it doesn’t matter if it’s Hootie,” Harbaugh said after his round, as “Let Her Cry” played in the background. “You have to enforce the rules of the game.”
  • Loucheiz Purifoy became the seventh member of the Florida Gators football team to be cited for marijuana possession in the last 25 months, following his arrest on Thursday. In unrelated news, Washington Huskies head coach Steve Sarkisian has decided to expand his recruiting efforts into the state of Florida, saying, “Look, we know we have absolutely nothing in common with Florida in terms of climate or culture, but after the most recent election …” Sarkisian then trailed off and started eating from a plastic bag full of Sour Patch Kids. When asked what he was going to say, Sarkisian replied, “Oh, nothing. Well, huh, you know, like, if we’re all surrounded by stars, aren’t stars really all surrounded by us? Mind. Explosion.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Denver Nuggets, Duke, Felix Hernandez, Illinois, Kevin Garnett, Los Angeles Lakers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Seattle Mariners, Tennessee Titans, Toronto Raptors, Washington Capitals

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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