About Last Night: Bruins Can’t Keep Up

In case you were busy pedaling as hard as you could to keep the BBWA website up and running, here’s what you missed in spots on Thursday:

  • Top-ranked Arizona held off a spirited late charge from the UCLA Bruins to win 79-75 and move to 16-0 on the season. Wildcats head coach Sean Miller said something after the game, but I couldn’t hear it because Miller looks exactly like somebody, and I can’t put my finger on who. Like you know, come on, that guy. That guy who looks just like Sean Miller. He’s in everything. He wears brown pants a lot. He was maybe a mobster in something? Definitely a brown pants wearer. This is driving me crazy! Any help would be greatly appreciated. Oh wait, I got it! Um … no, I don’t got it. Damn … definitely brown pants though.
  • The Denver Nuggets’ reserves proved the difference as they beat the Oklahoma City Thunder 101-88. “I can’t do everything myself,” said Thunder forward Kevin Durant as he carried his teammates’ bags out to the team bus, “I’ll try, but I need a little bit of help from anyone.” Durant put the bags on the bus then began siphoning gas from an adjacent station wagon, before sheepishly looking over his shoulder, spitting out a mouthful of gas, and saying, “What? Someone’s got to do it. And if I don’t, then no one will, and we’ll just sit in this parking lot all night.”
  • Seahawks wide receiver and kick returner Percy Harvin will likely make his second appearance of the season in Seattle’s divisional matchup against New Orleans after successfully participating in Thursday’s practice. “I’m feeling great, and will be good to go with my hip on Saturday,” Harvin said after practice, “unless of course any of my other body parts were to break down in the next 48 hours.” Harvin then gestured toward his knee and added, “My cruciate ligaments, those bad boys are holding on by a thread. My ankle ligaments, also a thread. My rib bones are all threadbare. Every body part of mine is nothing more than a sword of Damocles, dangling above itself Damoclesianally, waiting to fall on itself and destroy the hearts of Seahawks fans. And it could happen in a snap of the fingers—” Harvin then snapped for effect, only to break every bone in his hand, instantly downgrading his status for Saturday’s game to questionable.
  • The Ducks stayed red hot as Teemu Selanne scored the winning power-play goal in Anaheim’s 4-3 win over the Nashville Predators. “You want to see some real Nashville Predators?” Selanne asked after the game. “You should try that Nashville show on ABC. It has Tami Taylor from that show about American football. Me-ow.” When asked if he could describe his game-winning goal instead of talking about a prime-time soap opera, Selanne’s face fell as he replied, “Every goal is the same. I hit the puck; it goes in the net. I’ve done this for decades. All the same. But Nashville? That has drama. Who gets the record deal? I do not know. But the stakes are much higher than game for children played by middle-aged man such as myself.”
  • With J.R. Smith getting a DNP–coach’s decision after a week of poor play and poor decision-making, the New York Knicks stunned the Miami Heat 102-92 at Madison Square Garden. “You’re PG-13 me,” injured Knicks guard Metta World Peace whispered in Smith’s ear from behind the Knicks’ bench while eating two sausages at the same time after it was clear that Smith would not be brought into the game. Smith turned around and asked of World Peace, “Well, yeah? Then what the heck are you, rated man? I got myself benched for shoe tying.” World Peace laughed and said, “Rated? Nah, man. You don’t get it. P.G. Wodehouse’s 13th Jeeves story was Stiff Upper Lip. It’s a complement, dude. I respect you. Now hold my sausages, I gotta take a nap.”
  • Washington has found its new head football coach: Jay Gruden who will take over the organization in the wake of Mike Shanahan’s fractious tenure. “I love the city and I’m not scared of a controversial nickname,” Gruden said of his appointment. “I mean, people think I’m Jay Gruden, but the ‘J’ is really just an initial.” Gruden then leaned forward and whispered, “And it stands for ‘The J-Word’” Gruden then leaned back in his chair, pressed a finger to his lips, and shushed the assembled media with a wry smile.
  • England international Jermaine Defoe and American Michael Bradley are both reportedly joining MLS side Toronto FC, adding star power to the league in advance of the 2014 World Cup. The two moves make Toronto — OH! I GOT IT! Sean Miller looks like … shit … no … never mind. Damn. This is going to haunt me all day. Anyway, something, something, Canada has a terrible soccer team, and will probably choke in hockey at the Olympics. Moving on … Oh wait! No … no. Please help me. Who does Sean Miller look like? And do you have a picture of him wearing brown pants?

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arizona, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Seattle Seahawks, UCLA, Washington Redskins

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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