About Last Night: Browns Get Their Chud On

Rob ChudzinskiIn case you were out pretending like you’ve seen and have an opinion about Oscar nominee Amour, here’s what you missed in sports on Thursday.

  • The Cleveland Browns have filled their vacant head coaching position, hiring Rob Chudzinski away from the Carolina Panthers. It has also been reported that Chudzinski is targeting former San Diego head coach Norv Turner to be his new offensive coordinator. “I can’t imagine a more Cleveland set of hirings than Chud and Norv,” said longtime Browns fan Milt Johnson. When asked to try harder and really push his imagination, Johnson let out an exasperated sigh, saying, “Fine, I guess that they could have hired like Chan Gailey and an old, overweight Golden Retriever named Honey, but I don’t really know how having a dog as an offensive coordinator would work.”
  • Arizona has fallen from the ranks of college basketball’s unbeaten, losing, 70-66, to Oregon in Eugene. Arizona freshman center Kaleb Tarczewski, tasting defeat for the first time at the college level, told reporters after the game, “This isn’t nearly as bad as Coach Miller made it out to be. He said losing was like being stung by a box jellyfish, but everyone knows box jellyfish stings hurt more than anything. This isn’t even as bad as a bee sting. Why would coach have lied to us?”
  • The Portland Trail Blazers, led by Frenchman Nic Batum’s 28 points, mounted a strong second-half rally to take down the defending NBA Champion Miami Heat, 92-90, at the Rose Garden. When asked about his play in the win, Batum pulled out a pack of Gauloises. “Am I the most athletic man in France?” Batum mused rhetorically as he lit his cigarette. “Perhaps, yes. I am. But that is meaningless, for that is only my mortal body. Is what we are in a true garden of roses? Or is this just another graveyard for the not yet dead?” Moonlight then streamed in behind Batum, as he turned up his jacket collar and disappeared into the night.
  • The Indiana Pacers continued their hot play, taking down the New York Knicks, 81-76, on Reggie Miller Night at Bankers Life Fieldhouse. “Hey, guys, remember when I scored 20 points in the last 16 seconds of that game against the Knicks,” Miller asked his adoring fans in a pregame ceremony. “Yup, 23 points in 12 seconds, man, that was so cool. And when I scored those 30 points in eight seconds, it was for you guys, the Pacers fans. You willed me to score 44 points in five seconds. And I only hope this recent hot streak portends a long-deserved championship run, much as I deserved to score 60 points in two seconds on that fateful night at Madison Square Garden.”
  • The Dallas Mavericks topped the Sacramento Kings, 117-112, in overtime, after Kings center DeMarcus Cousins was ejected for elbowing Vince Carter. The foul, which was simultaneously Cousin’s sixth personal foul and a “flagrant two,” led to the rarely seen double ejection, whereby the offending player must leave the court, go to the locker room, come back out on the court and get ejected again. Cousins, oblivious to the rule, only left the court once, meaning he must be ejected at the beginning of next game or face further ejections.
  • NHL action finally got started yesterday with exciting labor negotiation ratification voting! Star center Evgeni Malkin was at the heart of the action as he struggled with complicated legal language. Goalie Henrik Lundqvist is a shot stopper extraordinaire, but last night he couldn’t stop shooting questions over to his agent about the implications of the CBA’s contract duration restrictions on his deal with the Rangers. And bone-crushing hits were delivered from the left and right, as the Sedin twins argued over the political ramifications of a unionized workforce in a post-industrial economy.
  • A study of deceased former NFL star Junior Seau’s brain revealed that he suffered from CTE, a brain disorder linked to football-related trauma. When asked about the news, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “Do we really know that it’s that CTE? “CTE” could stand for lots of things. Like ‘Cooling the Edison,’ which could be what the kids are calling electrocution these days. No? Because that would really make my life easier.”
  • Justin Upton reportedly rejected a trade to the Seattle Mariners that would have sent multiple prospects to Arizona, invoking his limited no-trade clause. “Things have been going too well up there recently,” Upton said. “Russell Wilson, the Sonics possibly coming back, people caring about soccer. I don’t want any part of making the Mariners respectable for those cocky front-running Seattle fans.”
  • Newly hired Jacksonville Jaguars general manager David Caldwell was the bearer of bad news for the New York Jets, dismissing the possibility of partnering in a Tim Tebow trade. “I can’t imagine a scenario where he would be a Jacksonville Jaguar,” Caldwell said. When asked to try harder and really push his imagination, Caldwell let out an exasperated sigh, saying, “Fine, well, he’s not a very good quarterback, so we wouldn’t want to give up much for him, but maybe if there were, like, some sort of super virus, and it wiped out a lot of NFL quality starters, and Tim proved to be genetically resistant to it, and we still needed to field a football team, because, I don’t know, maybe football helps cure people from this plague — that’s unlikely, but possible, I guess — and maybe the Jets don’t exist anymore because the virus hits really hard in New Jersey, so Tim is a free agent — though that would depend on what the effect of the plague would be on the CBA — and he wants to play closer to where he went to school because he wants to be able to say goodbye to his friends and family as the virus eats away at their bodies from the inside, and he is willing to come to Jacksonville at a reduced price … Yeah, OK, I guess I can imagine a scenario where Tim Tebow would be a Jacksonville Jaguar.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Arizona, Arizona Diamondbacks, Carolina Panthers, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Mavericks, Indiana Pacers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Heat, New York Jets, New York Knicks, NHL, Oregon, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Mariners, Tim Tebow

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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