About Last Night: Brooklyn in da House
In case you were busy diving headfirst into Day 2 of Nic Cage’s 50th birthday bash (which, let’s face it, was probably the best day of Nic Cage’s 50th birthday bash), here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- The suddenly somewhat hot Brooklyn Nets have a four-game winning streak after snapping the Golden State Warriors’ winning streak at 10 with a 102-98 win. “Oh, we’re downright lukewarm,” Nets head coach Jason Kidd said of his team’s play after the game. “Just like this coffee. Hit me.” Kidd then intentionally spilled the coffee in his own lap, only to learn the hard way that underused assistant coach Lawrence Frank had topped him off when he dropped off his daily report.
- The Baseball Hall of Fame expanded its ranks by three, adding pitchers Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine and slugger Frank Thomas, all of whom were first-time candidates. Failing to make the Hall in his final year of eligibility on the writers’ ballot was pitcher Jack Morris, so suck on that people who thought highly of Jack Morris. It looks like Morris will never freeze time and soliloquize about his barely above-average pitching repertoire before totally hooking up with Kelly Kapowski. Besides, if the non-stat-minded out there want to start inducting fictional characters into the Hall of Fame, maybe they should start with A.C. Slater, a clearly superior Bayside High athlete, or maybe they should go with some fictional baseball players like neglected Tigers legends starting pitcher Billy Chapel, manager Jack “Mr. Baseball” Elliot, shortstop Alan Trammell, or starting pitcher Zack Morris. Wait a second …
- Dwight Howard got his first win over the Lakers since leaving thanks to a monster 38-point effort from James Harden as the Rockets beat Los Angeles, 113-99. Harden continues to establish himself as the second-most dominant offensive weapon in basketball behind Kevin Durant. Man, imagine those two guys on the same team! That would be something else. You would never break up a duo like that, not for a few million dollars or a few BILLION dollars. That’s the sort of combination, especially if placed alongside a premier point guard and a shot-blocking center, that could win a number of championships. What I wouldn’t give to see that team play together. It would really be something else.
- Wisconsin put up an uncharacteristically strong offensive effort as the Badgers moved to 16-0 with a 95-70 win over Illinois. “Oh lord, awful,” Wisconsin head coach Bo Ryan said after the game, head in his hands, Camel wedged in his lips. “So much motion. Up and down the court. Hideous, disgusting, offensive.” Ryan shook his head and the cigarette fell on the ground in front of him as he added, “I need a damn shower.”
- Carl Hagelin hit the winner as the New York Rangers beat the Chicago Blackhawks, 3-2. “It is just I,” Hagelin said after the game as he celebrated his triumph. “I am the youngest Carl in the world. No one has named their child Carl since I was named. And, frankly, for at least a decade before my birth too. As such, I must fight for the reputations of the Carls that came before me. Hopefully there will, through my inspiration, one day be another Carl.” Sadly for Hagelin there surely won’t be. He’s the last of the Carls. The very last Carl.
- Heisman Trophy–winning quarterback Johnny Manziel will forgo his final two years of college eligibility and enter the upcoming NFL draft. “This was an incredibly challenging decision,” Manziel said as he peeled the caution tape off of a room in his family’s home marked “do not enter.” “But my heart said it was time to challenge myself at the next level. Now if you’ll excuse me …” Manziel then opened the door, revealing a giant pool of gold coins into which he tried to dive headfirst, only to break his wrists because the gold was packed too tightly. “Oh, the irony,” Manziel moaned. “My autographing wrists, they’re ruined! Ruined!”
- Louisville athletic director Tom Jurich said the school will hire former head football coach Bobby Petrino to take over the program following Charlie Strong’s departure. “Sometimes if you love someone you have to let them go,” Jurich said of the move. “And if they come back they’re probably doing so in at least a modicum of disgrace. Whatever. Stop judging me.”