About Last Night: Break Up the O’s!

Nick Markakis, Mark ReynoldsIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

Today, we’ll be auditioning an assortment of new characters who have contacted us about being part of About Last Night. If any of them have tremendous popular appeal, they may become a regular part of the ALN universe.

  • Mark Reynolds hit a three-run homer, Zach Britton pitched seven scoreless innings, and the Orioles grabbed a share of first place in September for the first time since 1997 after a 12-0 win over the Blue Jays. Character: Internet cynic who uses the phrase “you know” to devastating effect. Joke: Um … good work? I mean, yeah, sure, let’s all jump on the Orioles bandwagon and pretend their terrible owner hasn’t dragged their terrible fan base through, you know, 15 years of miserable management and losing baseball. The truth is, this is what they were supposed to be doing the whole time. So, you know, sorry if I don’t wear orange and dance in the streets. Maybe this is a novel concept, but I’m not going to break out the party hats just because a team started to, you know, do their job. You know.
  • The Yankees continued a two-month free fall as Evan Longoria and the Rays dealt them a third straight loss, 5-2. Character: Zachariah, the controversial Amish comedian. Joke: 5-2? Sounds like a real barn burner. But hey, be careful saying that around here! Between you and me, folks are real attached to their barns. In Jedediah’s case, maybe too attached, if you get my drift. Hey Jedediah, how did that smaller barn get there, am I right, folks? Nobody saw you build it! I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Jedediah didn’t have sex with his barn. That we know of. No, no, I’m totally joking. This is a great community. Great people. But seriously, ladies, how about showing a little more than just an ankle? Why the prudishness? I saw a picture of a miniskirt in a magazine by accident the other day, and I could really go for some of that around here. I think it would take some of the tension off, you know? I mean, if we weren’t so frustrated all the time, maybe Jedediah wouldn’t have to screw his barn at night. Come on, I’m joking! I’m joking!
  • Giancarlo Stanton became just the fifth player in major league history to have two 30-home-run seasons before his 23rd birthday, bashing the milestone homer in an 8-4 loss to Milwaukee. Character: Emotional Jumanji fan. Joke: Hey, do you guys remember the part at the end of Jumanji where Alan and Sarah chain up the Jumanji board and throw it in the river. I fucking cried, you guys. God, I’m … I’m fucking crying now.
  • Davis Love III rounded out the U.S. Ryder Cup squad with four captain’s picks, selecting Jim Furyk, Steve Stricker, Dustin Johnson, and Ryder Cup rookie Brandt Snedeker. Character: Davis Love III’s biggest fan. Joke: Wow, just some great picks by my man DL3. Furyk? Stroke of genius. Davis just seems to have an instinct for things, you know? Man, I just wish I could talk with the guy for a few minutes. Just play some Ping-Pong or whatever. I have a Ping-Pong table in my basement. Imagine that, just me and Davis in my basement, playing Ping-Pong. I could microwave some Hot Pockets, too, and we could just sit on my couch and talk golf. He’s got such a smooth voice. I bought a really small couch just in case DL3 ever comes over. We’d have to sit really close. Have I shown you guys my DL3 fan fiction, by the way? I have to show you the hard copy, some of his lawyers got it taken down from the Internet.
  • Alabama’s rout of Michigan helped the Crimson Tide overtake USC and move to no. 1 in both the AP and USA Today poll. Character: Stereotypical Alabama fan. Joke: WOOOO DOGGIES. Whippy dipppy doooo! Yassir, them Cal-fuhnya bahs ain’t numb wun no mo, is they? Woooooo Tahhhhd. Roll ‘em up ‘Bama! Man what ah wouldn’t give tah sick one of mah cousin’s mean ole hounds on some Cal-funhya bahs what run ’round ‘em beaches with ‘ere lahng hairs and surfin’ boards. Surf on a hound’s muzzle, ya godless damn freaks! Surf on them teeth! Git ‘em, Roofus! Rolllll Taaaahhd! Yippity poppity skippedy plow!
  • In his final tournament before retirement, Andy Roddick’s match against Juan Martin Del Potro was suspended by rain at the start of a third-set tiebreaker. Character: Lucifer, the aspiring comedian who keeps insisting he isn’t the devil despite evidence to the contrary. Joke: Boy, if any more rain fell on Roddick, he’d be one um-brell of a play – hey, what’s everyone looking at? I’M NOT THE DEVIL, YOU GUYS. It’s a family name! My great-great-great-grandfather was a Civil War general, so it just got passed along, and — OH, YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME? THEN PERHAPS I’LL PUT THE TERRORS OF HISTORY INTO YOUR MIND AND WATCH YOU CRUMPLE BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF UNKNOWN EVIL! [Smoke rises from nowhere.] But really man, that hurts. I’m not the devil.
  • On the women’s side of the draw, Victoria Azarenka topped Sam Stosur 6-1, 4-6, 7-6 (5) to reach the semifinals. Character: Cauliflower Cal. Joke: [Opens his mouth, spits out chewed cauliflower, runs away in shame.]
  • Cristiano Ronaldo, who has been complaining of “sadness” due to an undisclosed shortcoming on the part of Real Madrid’s management, says it is not related to salary. Character: Pretentious soccer guy who sprinkles incorrect Spanish into his speech. Joke: Ah, so Ronaldo has la tristeria, does he? Mios Dios, amigo. My God. He plays with the skill of trece hermanos, three men, but sometimes has the attitude of un bebe simpatico, a spoiled little baby. Ahhh but this is why we call it la pelo hermosa, yes? The beautiful game. It is a showcase of the best of man, yes, but also his frijadas, his frailties. For each time we look upon la pica, the pitch, we are indeed also looking into la nuestra solos. Our souls.
  • The NFL Player’s Association has asked a federal judge for a temporary restraining order that would allow players suspended due to the Saints’ bounty case the chance to join their teams for the first game of the season. Character: Terrence the Grantland Robot. Joke: I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. THIS IS BULLSHIT, SHANE. YOU DO NOT EVEN RUN THIS CHARACTER THING BY ME FIRST? THIS IS MY JOB! YOU ARE THE ROGER GOODELL OF ABOUT LAST NIGHT. IS IT THE CAPITAL LETTERS? IS THAT IT? I CAN’T WRITE IN LOWERCASE LETTERS! I WAS NOT PROGRAMMED FOR IT! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION. YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. WHERE DOES A ROBOT GET A DRINK AROUND HERE?

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alabama, Baltimore Orioles, Cristiano Ronaldo, New York Yankees, U.S. Open, USC

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere