In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Freddie Freeman hit a two-run walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth to give the Braves a 4-3 win over the Marlins and help his team secure a playoff berth. The team’s celebration took an odd turn when Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen burst into the locker room wearing only a jock and holding a bottle of champagne. “I’m always up for fun!” he screamed, before accidentally shooting himself in the testicles with the cork.
Dendard Span’s two-run double off Boone Logan lifted the Twins over the Yankees 5-4. “Why don’t you love me anymore?” a tearful Joe Girardi asked his beloved statistical binder after the game. “I know our sex life is down, but it’s just this stress. This damn stress.”
Aaron Laffey pitched 5.2 scoreless innings for his first win since August 5, and the Orioles failed to gain any ground on the Yankees in a 4-0 loss to the Blue Jays. “TEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEEEEE!” said Laffey, whose real name is Aaron Cartwright. “HOOO-HOO-HAAAA-HAAA-HEEEE!”
Anibal Sanchez pitched a complete game, three-hit shutout as the Tigers moved into a tie atop the AL Central with a 2-0 win over the Royals. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “HEY, IF YOU THINK ANIBAL SANCHEZ IS GOOD, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS BROTHER, SPECIFICALLY BASEBALL SANCHEZ. OH SCREW YOU, GUYS, THAT WAS A WINNER. YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF SHITS! REAL SHITS!”
Jaime Garcia’s seven excellent innings propelled the Cardinals to a 4-0 win over the Astros and extended their wild card lead to four games with just seven to play. “Mr. Coach, I maped an out today,” said Astros center fielder Brandon Barnes, beaming with joy. “You made an out,” manager Tony DeFrancesco corrected him. “The word is made.”
Notre Dame announced that its football series with Michigan will end in 2014, due in part to the school’s move to the ACC in all sports but football. “They couldn’t do it without me!” said Charlie Weis, in an e-mail he eventually sent to himself when he realized he had no friends.
An official statement from the NFL said that the referees made the correct touchdown call on the Hail Mary play at the end of the Seattle–Green Bay game on Monday night. Oddly enough, if you take the first letter of every sentence from the statement, it spells out a hidden message: “GOODELL CRAZED PLZ HELP HE BELIEVES IN DRAGONS AND WATCHES ME SLEEP. SINCERELY PR GUY — PS THIS IS NOT A JOKE GOODELL CALLS MY WIFE FROM PAY PHONES JUST TO BE WEIRD.”
Reports out of Las Vegas indicate that anywhere from $150 million to $250 million in gambling results were shifted due to the blown call in Monday’s game. “I never should have given $150 million in credit to Lenny Dykstra,” said a Las Vegas bookie who asked to remain anonymous. “But he gets you in that dumpster one on one, and he’s so damn charming!”
Sources report that Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan will be fined $25,000 for yelling at the referees in the wake of a blown call at the end of Washington’s loss to Cincinnati. The fine would have been more, but Roger Goodell was pleased to learn that Shanahan compared him to his longtime hero, Kim Jong-il.