About Last Night: Boston Bows Out

In case you were busy arguing about the correct definition of “blue moon,” here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Red Sox superprospect Xander Bogaerts went 0-for-3 in his major league debut, and Marco Scutaro drew a walk-off RBI walk to give San Francisco a strange 3-2 win over Boston. “We’re disappointed with the loss, but we think we have something good here with Bogaerts,” said Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington over a cacophony of ringing phones. “Hold on, let me just get this. Yeah, hello, this is Cherington. No Billy. No. No. It’s just one game Billy. No. No deal. How stupid do you think I am Billy? That stupid? Really? Wow. I’ve literally never said anything like that to another man’s face in my life. No. No. Still no. Yes, I understand that phones aren’t faces. No. I’m hanging up now, Billy. Bye. Bye. No. Bye.”
  • Los Angeles phenom Yasiel Puig was benched and fined for being late to the ballpark in Miami, but still found a way to be his team’s hero, blasting the decisive home run in the eighth inning of the Dodgers’ 6-4 win over the Marlins. “Rules are rules,” said Dodgers manager Don Mattingly, “and I’m going to enforce them until its strategically untenable to continue to do so. Literally nothing but a moment in which I will gain a strategic advantage as a baseball tactician will stop me from enforcing them. Or if I forget about the rule I’m in the middle of enforcing. Or if I think the person who broke the rule is really sorry. Those are the only three ways I’ll let anyone on my team get away with anything.”
  • Reports suggest that Texans defensive end Antonio Smith will be suspended for the opening game of the NFL regular season, after he removed Richie Incognito’s helmet and swung it at him in Houston’s preseason game against the Miami Dolphins. “We get the Chargers Week 1, so this really sucks,” Smith said of his suspension. “I mean, that was six or seven sacks for me. Have you seen that line? I think they’re starting a golden retriever at left guard. They keep saying there’s nothing in the rulebook about it, but I’m pretty sure they’re wrong. I’m pretty sure Coach Kubiak will let them use him anyway; I mean, dogs are pretty easy to trick into false starting.”
  • Red Sox starting pitcher Ryan Dempster was suspended five games with pay and reportedly fined $2,500 after intentionally hitting Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez over the weekend. “Eh, worth it,” Dempster said when told of the punishment that will not cause him to miss a start. “I just Yelped Beaning A-Rod. Gave it five stars. Good for kids and dates.”
  • Miguel Cabrera suffered an injury on the last at-bat of the game as his Detroit Tigers fell, 6-3, to the Minnesota Twins. Cabrera, who is batting .359 with 40 home runs and 120 RBIs, clearly was mistaken by a higher power of some sort as a false idol that had to be destroyed. Hopefully Cabrera will be day-to-day when whatever power struck him down for his deity-affronting performance realizes its error; yet, as power and hubris frequently go hand in hand, don’t be surprised if Cabrera faces a more extended layoff.
  • Reports suggest the Los Angeles Lakers will wear an alternate short-sleeve jersey designed by Adidas in a number of games next season, including their Christmas Day clash with the Miami Heat. “Oh, that’s a big game, and we’ll have something up our sleeves on Christmas,” Kobe Bryant said of the new jerseys. “Arms. Probably.”
  • Michael Vick has been named the starting quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles by new head coach Chip Kelly, meaning that Michael Vick will be running a Chip Kelly offense in the NFL this season. The quarterback who defined the modern mobile passer, running the offense that redefined speed at the college level, meeting at the highest level football is played at, starting in mere weeks. Michael Vick, Chip Kelly, NFL, this season. Vick, Kelly, football, season. ViKellBallSon. VKBS: It means anything is possible. Anything. Think about it … V: Vikings, K: Kick, B: Browns, S: Super Bowl. Aside from the impact on the Eagles, it’s clear this move will lead somehow to the Vikings beating the Browns in the Super Bowl this year.
  • Galaxy forward Robbie Keane netted two second-half goals, both assisted by substitute Landon Donovan, as Los Angeles opened its CONCACAF Champions League campaign with a 2-0 win over Costa Rican club Cartagines. “When Landon came on and introduced himself as Mr. Donovan, everything changed,” Keane explained after the match. “We all became more relaxed. It was like we could get away with anything. So yeah, there was some fooling around, but that looseness made a difference, and I think we all learned a lot about how we play with each other. And then, after the match to kill time, Landon brought in a VHS copy of Ladybugs, which we all watched. Classic movie. Then he totally forgot to assign us any drills or anything to do on our day off. It was pretty great having Mr. Donovan sub, so hopefully he can be out on the pitch the whole time next match.”

Filed Under: About Last Night, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers, Houston Texans, Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Marlins, Michael Vick, Minnesota Twins, Philadelphia Eagles, San Francisco Giants

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Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

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