About Last Night: Blue Devils Bedeviled
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- In the ACC-Big Ten Challenge, no. 2 Ohio St. embarrassed no. 4 Duke 85-63. The Buckeyes dominated every facet of the game, and Jared Sullinger led his team with 21 points. After the game, 95 percent of Duke alumni agreed that overly strict government restraints on big business were responsible for the loss. The other 5 percent were working late on Wall Street and missed the game.
- Elsewhere in the Challenge, Virginia upset no. 15 Michigan 70-58. Mike Scott and Joe Harris scored 18 apiece for the Cavaliers, who limited Michigan to just seven free throws. When the final buzzer sounded, Virginia fans nearly rushed the court before deciding that it wasn’t worth spilling good gin all over their pastels.
- Sources have reported that Bobby Valentine will be the next manager of the Boston Red Sox. “I was bored with being appreciated by calm, rational people,” he said.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars have fired head coach Jack Del Rio and announced that they will sell the team. When informed of the news, Del Rio nodded solemnly, adorned himself with lichen, and said, “I am of the river, and to the river I shall return.”
- A day before Sunday’s victory, Broncos head coach John Fox asked Tim Tebow to speak to his teammates. The meeting was almost canceled when the Broncos discovered a Gatorade shortage, but Tebow assured them that the Gatorade would not run out, and it was so. Unfortunately, he also accidentally turned the Gatorade into wine, so everyone called him a “total pussy.”
- Jim Boeheim spoke publicly for the first time since assistant coach Bernie Fine was fired. Boeheim said that once the investigation was over, “we’ll see what happened on my watch.” When asked for clarification, Boeheim continued, “we’ll see if I was even on the watch. It goes in shifts, you know. Maybe I fell asleep on the watch. Maybe I was in another room, or wearing sunglasses, or just listening. Maybe I had put somebody else on watch. Maybe I don’t even wear a watch. You didn’t think of that one, did you? But Boeheim did. Boeheim thought of everything.”
- Sources indicate that NBA facilities will open on Thursdays, and agents can open negotiations. At the request of the players, the agents’ first negotiation will seek to keep one NBA facility, Orlando’s Amway Center, closed.
- Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has been suspended for two games following a stomping incident against Green Bay. Grinning eerily, Suh quoted his favorite maxim: “he who stomps and isn’t banned / shall live to stomp another man.”
- The Boston Celtics have indicated that they would consider trading Rajon Rondo for Chris Paul. They would also consider trading Kevin Garnett for an ugly scarecrow that comes with a tape recorder of someone screaming “D up!” inside its large, gaping mouth.
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