About Last Night: Belize Booted

In case you were busy dancing like everyone was watching, because they are, and you should dance like they are unless you want to look like a fool, here’s what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

  • Powered by a hat trick from Chris Wondolowski, the U.S. men’s national soccer team hammered Belize, 6-1, in the opening match of their Gold Cup campaign. The Gold Cup, of course, is the biennial opportunity for teams of footballing prospectors from around North and Central America to quest for the lost city of El Dorado, with the winning country (Mexico in the last two competitions) allowed to plunder the city if it completes a series of culminating athletic challenges. While the early competitions are all based around soccer, the final challenge allows the winning nation’s two most powerful explorers to enter the temple of El Dorado. After being given instructions by a talking rock, the two men must grab one of the city’s famed artifacts in three minutes, while eluding the pursuits of temple guards. Of course, this final challenge is impossible and no team has ever succeeded, as the city of El Dorado itself languishes under the dictatorial control of FIFA president Sepp Blatter.
  • Adrian Beltre smashed two home runs off of Zach Britton as the Texas Rangers grabbed Game 2 of their series against the Baltimore Orioles with an 8-4 win at Camden Yards. “I hate those colonial wankers,” Beltre said after the game. “That’s why I only play hard for [Rangers manager Ron] Washington, and will do everything I can to destroy Britton, or at least get him back on to his own soil.”
  • The Boston Red Sox hit five home runs as they outslugged the Seattle Mariners, 11-8, at Safeco Field. “Hey, at least we’re getting outslugged,” said Mariners manager Eric Wedge, “and not simply slugged. That’s called progress.”
  • Chris “Birdman” Andersen will be returning to Miami, after eschewing longer offers from other teams in order to re-sign with the world champions. “Once you’ve flown as close to the sun as I have, you learn a valuable lesson,” Andersen said upon the deal’s announcement. “Always fly closer. Never stop rapidly ascending toward the hottest possible thing, caw! Caw-caw!” When asked what he was talking about, Birdman responded, “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you, I was too busy caw-cawing.”
  • Sources have said that Brewers star Ryan Braun refused to answer any questions related to his connection with performance-enhancing drugs, Tony Bosch, and the Biogenesis clinic in Miami. “I’m not falling for that one,” Braun boasted, arms crossed in front of his chest. “In Double Jeopardy you have to answer in the form of the question when they tell you statements. Not the other way around. Then you get twice as much cash as you had before.” Braun then unfolded his arms, and mimed pulling the arm of a slot machine. “Cha-ching, baby. Cha-ching.” When asked what he was talking about, Braun responded, “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you, I was too busy cha-chinging.”
  • Lakers point guard Steve Nash acknowledged the trouble that he and teammate Kobe Bryant had in recruiting now Rockets center Dwight Howard to stay in L.A., saying Howard never wanted to be a Laker. “Guy sees one jersey with ‘Coward’ and ‘Fakers’ on it and he bursts into tears,” said Nash, shaking his head. “Poor fella never recovered. Guy could dish it out though. Really too bad. Rockets should be a good fit for him, as it doesn’t seem to rhyme with anything as insulting as Fakers.”
  • The Minnesota Lynx continued their perfect start at home, as they snapped the Atlanta Dream’s six-game winning streak with a 94-72 rout. The game answered what happens to a dream deferred: You have to fly to Seattle to play the Storm at a venue deemed unsuitable for professional basketball by NBA commissioner David Stern.
  • Alex Rios went 6-for-6 as the Chicago White Sox rallied late to surge past Justin Verlander and the Detroit Tigers, 11-4. Adam Dunn was impressed with his teammate’s work, saying, “That takes people like me two, maybe three weeks to get six.” No seriously guys, that’s what he said. Why don’t you believe me? What history do I have that would make you doubt me? Oh cruel fates! Why will no one believe that Adam Dunn willfully lambasted his own skill set when faced with the excellence of Alex Rios! Why must you curse me thus? Why???

Filed Under: About Last Night, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox, Detroit Tigers, Dwight Howard, Justin Verlander, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Brewers, Seattle Mariners, Steve Nash, Texas Rangers

spikeheadshot

Spike Friedman is a contributing writer for Grantland and makes theater with the Satori Group in Seattle, Washington.

Archive @ SpikeFriedman