In case you were busy singing John Philip Sousa tunes with your loved ones, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The New York Knicks overcame a 22-point deficit and a knee injury to Carmelo Anthony to beat the Cleveland Cavaliers, 102-97. Anthony, who’s day-to-day with knee stiffness, said after the game, “I’m glad we won, but I’m really just glad Pablo Prigioni didn’t put up a career night. I’m not at all ready for Prigloonacy.”
- The Miami Heat ran their winning streak to a franchise record 15 games with a 97-81 win over the Minnesota Timberwolves. Dwyane Wade starred for the Heat, scoring 32 points to go along with 10 assists. “It felt really good to get my groove back and play up to my potential,” Wade said after the game to himself, as he waited for any member of the media to ask him about the game. But they never came, instead congregating around his teammate LeBron James. As Wade was suddenly consumed with a profound loneliness, he began to ponder his time in Miami. Was he old already? His knees didn’t move like they used to; that was for sure, but old? Not yet. Surely not yet. Wade’s reverie was only broken when teammate Shane Battier asked him why he was mindlessly mumbling the lyrics to “Eleanor Rigby” to himself, a question for which Wade had no answer.
- Monta Ellis and the Milwaukee Bucks outlasted the Utah Jazz in an overtime thriller, 109-108. Ellis’s backcourt partner, Brandon Jennings, who had 17 assists in the win, said after the game, “I really wasn’t trying to rack up the assists. I just kept giving Monta the ball, and he just kept not giving me the ball back. Guy’s kind of a dick.”
- The Phoenix Coyotes came from behind twice in the third period before topping the Anaheim Ducks in a shootout, 5-4. Ducks coach Bruce Boudreau complained about the shootout loss, saying, “They were standing way too close to the screen, and firing when they were basically touching it.” Boudreau went on to complain, “That damn dog kept laughing at us” and that his guys were “way better at track and field anyway.”
- Manchester City maintained contact in the Premier League title race after Carlos Tevez powered the Blues past Aston Villa, 1-0, at Villa Park. After the match, Tevez giggled to himself as he powered a hand-crank radio. “It talks when I spin it,” he explained to teammate Gareth Barry. “Wonderful!”
- It took three overtimes, but Notre Dame secured the regular-season Big East women’s basketball title by beating Connecticut, 96-87, in South Bend. Huskies coach Geno Auriemma took the loss hard, destroying a bottle of his favorite mousse to show his team he had no intention of allowing another letdown in the Big East tournament. When asked about the outburst, Auriemma explained, “Eh, the bottle was mostly empty, but if we lose again, so help me, I’ll muss my beautiful head of hair up so badly they won’t know what to think.”
- The Texas Longhorns jeopardized Baylor’s chances at making the NCAA tournament, beating the Bears in Austin, 79-70. You all know what this means! It’s time for everyone’s fourth-favorite recurring About Last Night segment, in which we remind America that Rick Barnes was not able to make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team, “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” America, Rick Barnes did not make the Sweet 16 with Kevin Durant on his team. Thus concludes another invigorating chapter of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team.” Also, this is cancellation time, so if you want to make sure you get another season of “America, Rick Barnes Did Not Make the Sweet 16 With Kevin Durant on His Team,” be sure to tweet #savebarnes to @UTAustin to let ’em know the people want more Barnes!
- The Seattle Mariners won their 10th straight spring training game, pummeling the Colorado Rockies, 16-6. As a baseball fan and a student of sabermetrics, let me temper your Mariners-related enthusiasm by pointing out the lack of any historical correlation between spring training statistics and regular season success. As a Mariners fan, let me just say, WOOOOOOO DINGERS DINGERS DINGERS, PRINT UP THOSE MARINERS PLAYOFF TICKETS NOW, BABY! YEEEEEHAW!
- Joe Flacco said his new record-breaking contract, which he signed over the weekend, is “about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.” To provide some context, here is an incomplete list of things that make Joe Flacco feel disrespected: quick hugs, having to call “shotgun,” medium sodas, adjusting his rear-view mirror after he loans someone his car, getting just one fortune cookie, “regular socks,” window seats, the state of Montana, an almost empty paper-towel dispenser, not getting extra high fives on Arbor Day, Joe Biden, oversize Jacuzzis, getting paid less than superior quarterbacks, and being asked to wear the same T-shirt twice (not in a row ever he doesn’t even donate them to Goodwill; Joe Flacco just has a closet full of T-shirts that he’s only worn once).