About Last Night: Absolutely Ichiro
In case you were busy looking at pictures of Russell Wilson doing yoga for a long, long while, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
- New York Yankees outfielder Ichiro Suzuki amassed his 4,000th career professional hit in traditional Ichiro fashion, slapping a single into left field during the Yankees’ 4-2 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. In honor of Ichiro’s accomplishment let us all just say that we’re lucky to have had the opportunity to watch Ichiro play baseball, and if we ever saw ourselves saying that we weren’t lucky to have watched Ichiro play baseball, we’d punch ourselves in the face because we’d be lying.
- Braves third baseman Chris Johnson hit a three-run game-winning home run in the 10th inning to give Atlanta a 4-1 win over the New York Mets. However, the big story coming out of Citi Field was the broken jaw of Jason Heyward, who will likely miss four to six weeks after being hit with a pitch by Jonathon Niese. When asked if he hit Heyward because of the psychological impact of years of pent-up rage caused by people misspelling his first name, Niese responded, “What? No! Oh my god, no, it was an accident. What the hell kind of accusotion is that?”
- Houston running back Arian Foster was taken off of the PUP list and will rejoin his team in practice as he makes progress toward being available for his team’s opener against the San Diego Chargers. Texans head coach Gary Kubiak, however, answered no questions on Foster’s status at the team’s post-practice press conference, as his request that “please, no one ask any questions that are tacitly about where you should take Arian in your fantasy draft” led every reporter in attendance to slowly put down their hands.
- Clippers point guard Chris Paul was elected president of the National Basketball Players Association, taking over the position from fellow point guard Derek Fisher. The election’s result was a surprise rebuke of the forward/center coalition, which expected to land the presidency based on the deterioration of the NBA economy that occurred under Fisher. However its block-centric campaign was deemed too negative by the swing voting bloc of stretch-4s, leading the point guard party to hold the position by leaning on its always popular platform of vision and distribution.
- A controversial goal from Branislav Ivanovic, who narrowly avoided being sent off earlier in the match, proved the difference as Chelsea continued its perfect Premier League start with a 2-1 win over Aston Villa. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho shrugged off complaints about the officiating, saying, “The manager makes his own luck. This is why I am the Special One. Soon I will be the Perfect One. Then just the One.” Mourinho then went on to describe how he recently saw The One starring Jet Li, which presupposes that we live in a multiverse in which we can become stronger by moving between dimensions and killing our avatars, in a way that suggested he had a specific plan he was about to set in motion.
- USC wide receiver Marqise Lee said it’s “crazy” that his team has not named a starting quarterback at the conclusion of the team’s training camp. USC head coach Lane Kiffin took in his star receiver’s comments before reportedly yelling, “Crazy? He called me crazy? I sit on the Iron Throne! Me. Lane Kiffin! I’m the boy king!” Kiffin then reportedly angrily called in his former defensive coordinator and top adviser, Monte Kiffin, who lectured him on the nature of power and what the Kiffin family name means, before suggesting sternly that the younger Kiffin not do anything rash to Lee lest it mar the Kiffins’ reputation. Kiffin then grumbled, “Yes, Lee is still a good friend and was probably just kidding around,” while mentally noting he had a number of enemies in his inner circle.
- Arsenal bounced back from a brutal Premier League opener to beat Turkish side Fenerbahce, 3-0, in the first leg of its Champions League qualifying playoff. “We had no doubt, despite the negativity surrounding us, that we’d win the match,” Arsenal captain Per Mertesacker said after his team’s win. “We’re Arsenal. This match qualified us for a competition. That’s what we do.” When asked if this would turn the team’s season around, Mertesacker reiterated, “We qualified for the competition. That’s what we do.”
- ESPN’s Ron Jaworski said of San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, “I truly believe Colin Kaepernick could be one of the greatest quarterbacks ever.” Jaworski then got into his car, a 2012 Lexus ES350, which Jaworski has praised as “probably the pinnacle of all automotive engineering,” and drove to a California Pizza Kitchen, ordering a BBQ chicken pizza he called “if not the best pizza in the world, then damn close” and a Blue Moon that he described as “beer perfection. Perfect beer. Couldn’t make a better one.”