About Last Night: A Royal Slugfest
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- Prince Fielder hit a record-tying 12 final-round home runs to win his second Home Run Derby and join Ken Griffey Jr. as the only player with multiple titles. He also remains the only prince to ever win a title, following the indecisive performance of Prince Hamlet, who swung way too late, the boring and wordy performance of Prince Valiant, who nobody watched after his first two outs, the threatening counterculture performance of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air from 1990, who used a funky multicolored bat that shocked middle America, the bizarre performance of Prince himself, whose hitting ability is not quantifiable or even recognizable, and the ends-justify-the-means performance of Machiavelli’s theoretical prince, who keeps getting banned for trying to use a metal bat.
- Sources report that a deal sending Dwight Howard to the Nets is still in the works, but a fourth and possibly a fifth team are needed to finalize the trade. Physicists are watching the proceedings closely, concerned that they might be in the opening stages of forming a black hole of anti-matter that will gradually suck every other boring sports story into a terrifying death cyclone that will then destroy the planet.
- The Knicks will acquire Marcus Camby in a sign-and-trade with Houston, sending three players (Toney Douglas, Jerome Jordan, Josh Harrellson) and future draft picks (second round in 2014 and 2015) to the Rock-FWOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
- Attorney Rusty Hardin, who recently represented Roger Clemens, says Adrian Peterson was “the victim” in a recent altercation where he was accused of assaulting off-duty police officers. Of course, his defense hinges on the controversial idea that it’s okay to assault anyone other than an on-duty police officer, and that not wearing a cop uniform constitutes “asking for it.”
- Hope Solo tested positive for a banned substance called Canrenone, but received a warning from the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency and will still play in the Olympics. Terrence the Grantland Robot called in sick today, but filling in for him is his girlfriend, Sally the Feminist Robot, who also hasn’t learned to type in lowercase letters: “OKAY, I GET IT. WHEN WOMYN USE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS IT’S EVIL, BUT WHEN A MAN USES THEM IT’S MASCULINE AND ‘COOL’ AND EMPOWERING?” Come on, Sally, nobody was saying tha — “I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, YOU CHAUVINIST NEANDERTHAL.” Sally, that’s not necessary, this is jus — “STOP USING THE TYRANNY OF A CALM VOICE TO IMPLY THAT I’M NOTHING BUT SOME HYSTERICAL SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN AND MY OPINIONS DON’T MATTER!“
- Reggie Jackson has been asked by the Yankees to stay away from the team after making negative comments about A-Rod and how PEDs will affect his legacy. Which was dumb, because A-Rod’s PED use was masculine and cool and empowering.
- Penn State reported $208 million in donations for the fiscal year that just ended, the second-highest total in school history. “We needed to circle the wagons,” said an anonymous Penn State trustee. “Literally. We’re buying a bunch of giant wagons and circling them around the school so nobody can see what’s happening inside.”
- England’s Bradley Wiggins won his first-ever stage at the Tour de France, finishing first in the 25.8-mile time trial ride from Arc-et-Senans to Besancon and extending his overall lead to 1:53. For those unfamiliar, the Tour de France is a cycling race across France, Arc-et-Senans and Besancon are French cities, and Bradley Wiggins is a giant British rabbit who lives in a cottage and only eats something called flower stew.
- Jason Terry, fourth on the all-time three-pointers list, said that Dallas never made an attempt to match Boston’s offer during the free agent period, or he’d still be a Maverick. “But then again, maybe I’ll always be a Maverick,” he said, before ripping off his shirt to reveal a giant tattoo of the Ace of Spades scene from the movie Maverick, starring Mel Gibson.