About Last Night: A Rivers Runs Through It

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In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.

  • Philip Rivers threw for 294 yards and three touchdowns as the Chargers snapped a six-game losing streak with a 38-14 win over the Jaguars. “It’s disappointing not to make it to seven,” said Chargers coach Norv Turner, “but … wait, is this the playoffs?”

  • Oregon defensive back Cliff Harris was dismissed from the team after yet another violation of team rules. But to be fair to Harris, it never specifically says in the rule book that you can’t spell your name in gasoline at the 50-yard line and then try to escape by riding a large dog.
  • The Miami Marlins met with Albert Pujols twice on Monday in their ongoing attempt to sign the slugger. “We’re just like the Florida Marlins,” team representatives said in their pitch to Pujols, “but more multicultural, and with an ambiguously pansexual shirtless-roller-skating vibe.”
  • Frustrated after his team was kept out of a BCS bowl, Boise State coach Chris Peterson told reporters that the system was fatally flawed and everyone was tired of it. “Not everyone,” said former Soviet premier and all-around dick Josef Stalin.
  • The five Heisman finalists have been announced, and they are Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson, Robert Griffin III, Tyrann Mathieu, and Montee Ball. The voters plan to carefully consider statistics, records, and other intangibles before giving the award to Andrew Luck because come on, he’s ANDREW FRIGGIN’ LUCK, YOU GUYS! WOOOO!

Filed Under: About Last Night, Albert Pujols, Boise State, Chicago Cubs, Chris Paul, Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Marlins, New Orleans Hornets, NHL, San Diego Chargers

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere