About Last Night: A Gigantic Homecoming
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Monday.
- The New York Giants arrived home yesterday, and were greeted by 200 raucous fans at their practice facility. Oddly enough, one of the wildest fans was a heavily intoxicated Rob Gronkowski.
- Gisele Bundchen, the wife of Patriots QB Tom Brady, was videotaped after the Super Bowl complaining to her friends about the team’s receivers. “My husband cannot f—— throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time,” she said. “I know exactly how you feel,” said Julie Bartoli, wife of failed juggler Lazario “Butter Hands” Bartoli.
- Kobe Bryant moved past former teammate Shaquille O’Neal into fifth on the all-time scoring list in a 95-90 loss to the Sixers. In response, Shaq released a melancholy rap song titled “Kobe: Tell Me How My Past Tastes.”
- NBA commissioner David Stern pushed for a reconciliation between former Jazz great Karl Malone and current team owner Greg Miller after a spat that began when Malone said he had to buy a scalper’s tickets to get into a game. Miller claimed the story was nonsense, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that Olden Polynice arrested the scalper on the scene and has been holding him in a “county jail” in his basement for two weeks.
- Kevin Love was suspended for two games for stomping on the face of Rockets forward Luis Scola Saturday. Sources report that he’ll spend the suspension period attending parades thrown in his honor in the other 29 NBA cities.
- Carmelo Anthony strained his groin while throwing an alley-oop to Tyson Chandler, but the Knicks beat the Jazz 99-88. The situation deteriorated later in the night when Anthony tore his ACL while reading an old Highlights magazine in the hospital waiting room.
- According to this headline, Chauncey Billups injures Achilles. He joins Paris, son of Priam, King of Troy, as the only mortal to wound the Greek warrior in battle.
- No. 4 Missouri pulled out a tight one on the road at Oklahoma, winning 71-68 to move into first place in the Big 12. Marcus Denmon scored 25 points, and held sinister farmhand Jud Fry to just 5 points on 1-19 shooting.
- Alberto Contador was stripped of his 2010 Tour de France title and banned from cycling for two years after a court found him guilty of doping. And what’s crazy is that this whole culture of doping, and all the stripped titles, could have been avoided if anyone used my perfectly valid idea of filling the bike tires with helium. It would practically float!