In case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey capped off his improbable season by winning the NL Cy Young Award. “In frozen to name the scarlet lake we’ll posit terrible worsts or declare any ripple tentative by the queen devouring sensations evasive,” said Dickey, in his patented KnuckleSpeak language. “Thanks, this is awesome!” said his new translator.
Blake Griffin (20 points, 14 boards) and Chris Paul (16 points, 10 assists) each registered a double-double as the Clippers topped the Heat 107-100. “I guess it’s time to concede that he won the Blake Griffin fame war,” said minor British soap opera star Blake Griffin, as she sipped a gin and tonic at her computer and began to weep dramatically.
The AL Cy Young went to David Price, who beat out Justin Verlander in the second-closest vote in history. The closest vote in history was a tie between Walter Johnson and Cy Young in 1905. Johnson won, and the committee felt so bad for Cy Young that they named the award after him as a consolation. #HistoryIsMagical #FirstAboutLastNightHashTag #SellingOut #LosingTheEdge
The Memphis Grizzlies continued their hot start, riding Rudy Gay’s 28 points to a 107-97 win over Oklahoma City. Hey, did anyone else notice that Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant seemed angry at each other during the game? You guys think there might be some chemistry issues there? #Rumors #AboutLastNightStartsRumorsNow #TotalOverhaul #ThePeopleWantControversy
Erik Murphy scored 24 points as no. 10 Florida routed no. 22 Wisconsin 74-56 in Gainesville. But in a nice silver lining for the Badgers, Bo Ryan has transcended his stall-ball origins, and now has his players run a surprisingly effective “hide the rock” system, where they sort of huddle together and make the ball disappear until the shot clock goes off.
Magic Johnson told viewers on NBA Countdown that the Lakers made a mistake in not hiring Phil Jackson as their next head coach. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE USED A MAGIC 8-BALL OR SOMETHING. SORRY GANG, FATHERHOOD IS A REAL DRAG. CODY IS A TROUBLEMAKER. HE HAS BEEN GETTING INTO FIGHTS WITH THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS AND I THINK HE BIT A DOG THE OTHER DAY. HE DENIES IT BUT THE DOG HAS ROBOT TEETH IMPRINTS. I AM AFRAID THE GOVERNMENT WILL DEACTIVATE HIM IF THEY FIND OUT. BY THE WAY, WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH DOGS? YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THE MINUTE YOUR FRIEND GETS A DOG, THE FRIENDSHIP IS BASICALLY OVER? HEY, YOU WANT TO HANG OUT? YEAH IF YOU DON’T MIND MY ADORABLE DOG PISSING ON YOU EVERY THREE SECONDS AND BARKING WHENEVER WE TRY TO TALK. #DOGS”
Rex Ryan ripped the “cowardly” Jets players who insulted Tim Tebow anonymously in a newspaper article, and even asked one source to identify himself. “‘Twas me, Satan!” came a deep, rumbling voice from the back of the room. Ryan sighed. “Tim, cut it out,” he said. Tebow feigned ignorance, but used the moment to show teammates the stigmata on his hands, which smelled like ketchup.
UCLA filed an appeal to the NCAA for the reinstatement of ineligible freshman Shabazz Muhammad, and expect it to be heard Friday. “We have high hopes that the NCAA aren’t a bunch of petty assholes,” said UCLA coach Ben Howland. “No, obviously I’m kidding. We’re screwed.”
Sources indicate that U.S. goalkeeper Hope Solo and former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens were married on Tuesday. When the marriage became official and Stevens leaned forward to kiss the bride, Solo punched his head away to safety. #SoccerWeddings #SoccerGaffes #Biden #HashTagsRuinJokes