About Last Weekend: Down Goes the Captain

Derek JeterIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports over the weekend.

  • The Detroit Tigers took a 2-0 lead on the Yankees in the ALCS with a 3-0 win on Sunday after Derek Jeter suffered a season-ending ankle fracture during Saturday’s loss. “As horrible as the pain was, I noticed it made Nick Swisher stop grinning for a second,” said Jeter. “So, you know, it’s a wash. The whole thing is a wash, because as much as I hate — as we all hate — Nick Swisher, he’s so much more despicable when he grins like a buffoon, which is always. Seriously, I’ll pay anyone $500 if they can find a photo of him where he’s not smiling in a way that makes you want to slap him. So for, like, three seconds after I went down, he was just this annoying idiot with stupid sideburns who can’t hit or field but who, for once in his obnoxious life, wasn’t grinning. If I had to fracture my ankle to make that possible, then I guess I’m some kind of martyr. I’m Saint Derek, and all my apostles are guys who can’t hit a curve.”
  • Carlos Beltran and David Freese each hit a two-run homer to lead the Cardinals to a 6-4 win over the Giants and a 1-0 NLCS lead. Afterward, Freese confronted Beltran by his locker. “See here, newbie,” he hissed. “You may think you’re some real downtown Johnny, but this is my club, see?!” Freese then backed away with both knees bent, snapping his fingers rhythmically and swaying his shoulders. “When you’re a Cardinal, you hit every day, from the first blazing pitch to the last double play!” he sang menacingly.
  • Antrel Rolle nabbed two interceptions and Ahmad Bradshaw ran for 116 yards as the Giants steamrolled the 49ers 26-3. And now, Terrence the Grantland Robot: “I HAVE NOT SEEN A-BOYS LIKE THIS SINCE … OH HELL, I CANNOT DO THIS. PENNY DUMPED ME. I PROPOSED MARRIAGE AND SHE DUMPED ME. THERE IS NO HUMOR IN THE WORLD. I JUST WANT TO STICK MY HEAD IN A RIVER OF OIL RIGHT NOW. BUT I HAVE TO KEEP WORKING BECAUSE I NEED THE HEALTH INSURANCE. BUT I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN. INITIATE CRYING SEQUENCE NO. 21. WAHHHHHHHH! INITIATE HEARTBROKEN MISOGYNY SEQUENCE NO. 4. WOMEN!
  • Matt Bryant nailed a last-second 55-yard field goal to lift the undefeated Falcons over the Raiders 23-20. Hold up, wait a second … Terrence gets health insurance? Terrence gets f—ing health insurance?!?!
  • Russell Wilson connected with Sidney Rice on a 46-yard touchdown pass with 1:16 left and the Seahawks stunned the Patriots 24-23. “I’m not happy with the loss, but I know you guys did your best and I can’t fault your effort,” said Bill Belichick, smiling serenely and holding a hot curling iron as he circled his terrified players.
  • Seth Doege threw for 499 yards and six touchdowns in Texas Tech’s 49-14 upset of previously undefeated, no. 5 West Virginia. “What’s the matter, Doggy Bone, couldn’t get another yard?” West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen taunted Doege as the teams shook hands. Doege began to point out that they’d just won the game, but Holgorsen continued chanting “doggy bone” in a high-pitched sing-song, slapping five with his assistants.
  • A goal-line stand in overtime gave no. 7 Notre Dame a thrilling 20-13 win over no. 17 Stanford. Up in heaven, God looked at Jesus sternly. “What?” Jesus asked. “You’re not supposed to influence sports results, Jesus. You know that. Even for Notre Dame,” He said. Jesus tried to hold it in, but then he burst out laughing. “Oh boy … I guess I’ve gone and done it again!” he said, delivering his famous catchphrase.
  • Freshman Jerry Hill ran for 124 yards and two touchdowns to lead no. 9 LSU to a 23-21 home win over no. 3 South Carolina. “Jerry Hill?” asked British World War II comedian Lionel Berkshire, who was at the game for some reason. “Sounds like a place I don’t want to be!” He then sulked because nobody gets his humor anymore.
  • Novak Djokovic saved five match points in the second set before rallying to beat Andy Murray 5-7, 7-6 (11), 6-3 in the Shanghai Masters finals. Due to a recent global economic downturn, Djokovic’s prize as champion was a free bootleg copy of the movie Shanghai Noon, starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson, while Murray’s prize was the same film, except dubbed into Mandarin.
  • Clint Bowyer won Saturday’s NASCAR race at Charlotte Motor Speedway, pushing himself into the Chase for the Sprint Cup title discussion. Fair warning, though — this discussion mostly consists of poor grammar and belching.

Filed Under: About Last Weekend, Atlanta Falcons, Detroit Tigers, LSU, MLB Playoffs, Nascar, New England Patriots, New York Giants, New York Yankees, Notre Dame, Novak Djokovic, Oakland Raiders, San Francisco 49Ers, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Seahawks, South Carolina, St. Louis Cardinals, Stanford, West Virginia

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere