About Last Night: Oh, Bartolo!

Bartolo ColonIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

  • Oakland pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for testosterone. “Yes, I must admit, the testosterone was definitely an illegal strategy employed to help my baseball performance,” said Colon, whose recent Internet history revealed an obsessive pattern of searching the phrase “how to grow a bigger penis.”
  • Nationals manager Davey Johnson said Stephen Strasburg will likely miss the final 2-3 starts of the regular season and be shut down for the playoffs. Only minutes after the announcement was made, Strasburg received a phone call from Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett. “You. Me. September. Brewskis. Golf. Babes,” said Beckett. “Bars. Shots. Fights. More babes. Bowling. Pizza. Late-night LT. Buzz the police station going 120. Crash in some dude’s front lawn. Bribes. No regrets. Repeat.” He then hung up, but later calls revealed that LT meant laser tag.
  • Lefty phenom Chris Sale struck out 13 batters over 7.2 dominant innings as the White Sox beat the Yankees 2-1 to sweep the three-game set. This game was further evidence that the government experiment commissioned in 1924 to see what would happen if you made people do normal human activities with their left hand has now spun totally out of control, and adds fuel to the argument that the infected ones should be herded and “contained.”
  • Following the loss, Yankee manager Joe Girardi was heckled by a fan in the concourse, and responded by walking toward him, telling him to “shut up,” and asking a security guard to kick him out. “Oh, why is everyone yelling?!” screeched A-Rod as he began to weep nearby.
  • Adrian Beltre crushed three home runs as the Rangers routed the Orioles 12-3. “And in its turn, each mighty blast / sailed faster, farther than the last / floating toward the setting sun / bless you, sons of Arlington,” sang Rangers team balladeer Oleander Fraseman, who has used that setting sun/Arlington rhyme way too often this year.
  • NCAA enforcement officials visited the high school of Kentucky recruit Nerlens Noel, and have reportedly expanded their probe of his recruitment process. At issue is whether John Calipari’s repeated habit of softly playing Bob Dylan songs on guitar outside Noel’s bedroom window at night constituted an official visit or was just adorable.
  • The NFL Players Association rejected two rule changes proposed by the owners — one that would give teams an extra roster spot to replace injured players, and another that would extend the trade deadline. However, they offered a compromise in which you could trade injured players to the Cleveland Browns for a tax writeoff, so everybody wins.
  • Saints offensive line coach Aaron Kromer has been designated as interim head coach while assistant head coach Joe Vitt serves a six-game suspension related to the bounty scandal. “But you have to promise us,” said Vitt, “none of those goofy plays where offensive linemen get to run, throw, and catch passes!” Kromer nodded and kept a straight face until Vitt walked out the door, then giggled excitedly while drawing up a play called “The Fatso Heave.”
  • Well, my friends, I can’t believe we’re already here, but it’s time for the closing joke. I hope you’ve all enjoyed yourselves, and I want to remind everyone to drive home safely. OK, what have you got for me, teleprompter? Apparently Goodlettsville, Tennessee, advanced to the American championship game in the Little League World Series, while a team from Tokyo, Japan, reached the international championship. That’s great stuff; congratulations to both teams. As for me? Well, I’ll be doing what every other red-blooded adult does during the Little League World Series: rooting for tears. Good night, America.
  • [I cross my arms and smile knowingly as the “About Last Night” theme music comes up — “I Think I Love You” by David Cassidy — and the camera zooms out slowly to reveal a set with sunshine and clouds, while famous athletes dash out from the wings and we all dance and then Barry Bonds does that hilarious hold-your-nose swim move and we all break down laughing.]

Filed Under: About Last Night, Alex Rodriguez, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, NCAA, New Orleans Saints, New York Yankees, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere