About Last Holiday Mid-Week Break

Steve NashIn case you were out living a life of leisure, here’s what you missed in sports since Tuesday.

  • Phoenix Sun? More like Phoenix done! Steve Nash is headed to the Lakers … the Los Angeles Lakers, that is. The Suns point guard worked out a sign-and-trade deal with Phoenix that will send him to L.A., where he’ll chase an NBA title with a certain fellow superstar. Maybe you’ve heard of him: Kobe Bryant.
  • Video replay? More like video we-play! Starting this season, NFL fans will get to look under the hood … the replay hood, that is. Stadium video boards will now show the exact footage the referee is viewing during instant replay challenges, putting fans in the shoes of a certain muscle-bound heartthrob lawyer who has captivated football audiences for years in his slimming zebra stripe outfit. Maybe you’ve heard of him: Ed Hochuli.
  • Lawyers, guns, and money? More like lawyers, guns, and football players! The NFL Players Association is filing a suit against the NFL … a lawsuit, that is. It was filed on behalf of three players suspended in the bounty case, and called a certain commissioner “incurably and evidently biased.” Maybe you’ve heard of him: Bing Crosby. Oh, wait, no, it’s NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Sorry about that.
  • Centre Court? More like center stage! Serena Williams advanced to the final … the Wimbledon final, that is. The American tennis star defeated Victoria Azarenka 6-3, 7-6 to reach Saturday’s championship, where she’ll attempt to win her fifth Wimbledon title, which would tie her with a certain other American star for third all-time. Maybe you’ve heard of her: Venus Williams. It’s her sister. You’ve definitely heard of her, right?
  • Dandy Andy? More like Handy Andy! Andy Murray survived a scare against David Ferrer to reach the semifinals … again, the Wimbledon semifinals, that is. With Rafael Nadal eliminated, Murray has his best chance yet to become the first British player to win a major since a certain older British tennis star did it many years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him: I think it was Fred something, but I could be making that up.
  • Milestone? More like Smilestone! The Red Sox were swept by the Athletics, but famously happy Sox slugger David Ortiz hit his 400th home run … his 400th home run, that is. The man Red Sox fans call “Ol’ Popsy” is now just 355 home runs away from matching a certain legend on the home runs list. Maybe you’ve heard of him: Hank Aaron, “The Hankering Baron.”
  • Cliff Lee? More like Whiff Lee! After a nightmare start to 2012, Cliff Lee got his first win this season … in baseball, that is. The Phillies starter allowed just two runs in eight innings in a 9-2 victory over the Mets. Now maybe he’ll finally get invited to the birthday party of a certain doctor that also plays baseball. Maybe you’ve heard of him: Roy “Doc” Halladay, Ph.D., Hospitality Management, University of Denver.
  • Terrence is the Grantland robot training to take our jobs, but he hasn’t learned to type in lowercase letters. Each morning, he gets one joke: MORE LIKE LEBRON JAMES AND CHRIS PAUL ARE BOTH TRYING TO RECRUIT RAY ALLEN, THAT IS. MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF HIM. HE IS A 3-POINT SPECIALIST WHO HAS AVERAGED 20 POINTS PER GAME FOR HIS CAREER WITH THE BOSTON CELTICS, SEATTLE SUPERSONICS, AND MILWAUKEE BUCKS.
  • Kidd? More like really old guy! Jason Kidd has decided to leave the Dallas Mavericks and join a new team … a new New York Knicks team, that is. The veteran point guard will join stars like Carmelo Anthony and Carmelo Anthony in the apple that never sleeps, where they’ll try to win a certain title in their chosen sport. Maybe you’ve heard of it: basket-ball.
  • Mr. October? More like Mr. Oct-NO-ber! Reggie Jackson said that A-Rod’s impressive career stats are tainted … drug-tainted, that is. The former Yankee slugger called A-Rod’s home run total into question, implying that PED use may have inflated the numbers. It isn’t the first number he’s openly questioned; there was also a certain space figure he doesn’t believe. Maybe you’ve heard of it: the number of planets in our solar system. Reggie Jackson thinks there are only six planets in our solar system.

Filed Under: About Last Whatever, Alex Rodriguez, Boston Red Sox, Cliff Lee, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies, Ray Allen, Serena Williams, Steve Nash, Wimbledon

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Shane Ryan is a contributing writer for Grantland. His book about the young stars of the PGA Tour will be published by Random House in early 2015.

Archive @ ShaneRyanHere