Video On Demand Report: Get a Crisis Suite and Have Yourself a Bourne Marathon

The Headliner

The Bourne Legacy 

At this late stage of my life, I should be more comfortable with the idea of living through the inevitable recasting of pop culture reboots. After all, I’m on my second Spider-Man, second James T. Kirk, fifth Batman. I’ve watched four different versions of Fitzwilliam Darcy, a bunch of different Sherlock Holmeses and Professors Moriarty. (For some reason, Wolverine and Gandalf abide, unchanging.)

The point is, I shouldn’t be so offended that this fourth Bourne movie — which came just five years after the third, The Bourne Ultimatum – continues the story. It offers a new protagonist, who happens to have a remarkably similar backstory to the “Jason Bourne” we came to know in the original trilogy, which, fine, I guess; TV series refresh their casts like this all the time. But replacing the charming and likable Matt Damon with Jeremy “Charisma Vacuum” Renner? UUUUUUUUUGH. Won’t it be hard for audiences to care whether he unravels the mystery of his true identity if he seems like such a sour jerk that we don’t want anything good to happen to him? …Just me? Okay. At least Rachel Weisz is on hand to supply some humanity to balance Renner’s off-putting grouchiness.

 

New and Notable

Ted

Family Guy impresario/imminent Oscars host Seth MacFarlane makes his film debut as a director, also starring as the foul-mouthed voice of the titular teddy bear.

 

Kill ’Em All

Eight assassins are locked in together to fight to the death.

 

One Day on Earth

On October 10, 2010, documentary filmmakers shot footage in every country on Earth. This film is the result.

 

Crazy Horse 

This is a film about a semi-nude revue, but it’s French and a documentary, so it’s art! (Warning: Trailer is NSFW.)

 

Doomsday Book

Will the apocalypse that kills us all be a virus, the rise of the machines, or a meteor hitting the Earth? Yes.

 

Freeloaders 

In the latest from Broken Lizard, a bunch of moochers live in a rock star’s fancy mansion, but have to scramble for a new mooch situation when he puts it up for sale.

 

The Back-up Bride

A groom on the eve of his wedding runs into the love of his life, so his buddy pretends to be the groom so the actual groom can see if this girl from his past still likes him.

 

Allegiance 

When Lt. Bow Wow’s kid has a health crisis, he tries to get out of his imminent deployment to a war zone, but Aidan Quinn can’t let “the best damn medic in the unit” ditch combat.

 

12/12/12 

I hope you didn’t have a baby on Wednesday; if this movie is true, he or she might be like DOUBLE Devil Baby!

 

Bill W. 

A documentary on Bill Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

Forced to Fight 

Peter Weller takes a break from hosting specials on the History Channel to play the villain in this movie, in which a guy takes up MMA to clear his deadbeat brother’s debts.

 

Changing Hearts

A man who abandoned the family B&B to go have a fancy career in PR is drawn back home when his father has a health crisis in this week’s Christian-funded family film featuring a couple of token actors surrounded by a bunch of crappy amateurs.

 

Opportunistic Backlist Revival Themes of the Week: This Is 40/Bourne

In honor of This Is 40, we get this curated collection of films Judd Apatow has either directed or produced, and/or that Paul Rudd has starred in (there’s a lot of crossover here), including Get Him to the Greek, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Role Models, I Love You, Man, and still the best film Apatow’s ever had anything to do with: The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

You also get the chance to reacquaint yourself with the first three Bourne movies, of which the best is still the first one, The Bourne Identity.

 

‘In Theaters’ VOD Picks

Yelling to the Sky 

When Zoë Kravitz transfers to a new school and promptly gets bullied by Gabourey Sidibe and Shareeka Epps, she starts making some really bad choices.

 

Saving Grace B. Jones

Tatum O’Neal emerges from a mental hospital seemingly sicker than she was when she went in; Connie Stevens (remember her from Back to the Beach?) directed.

 

Weird Indie of the Week

Creep Van

Christine, but it’s a van.

 

Masochist’s Choice

10 Years Later 

It’s fun to reconnect with friends at a high school reunion until it turns out one of them has a sheriff tied up and gagged in the trunk of her car.

Filed Under: Jeremy Renner, Judd Apatow, Matt Damon, Seth Macfarlane, Ted, The Bourne Legacy, This Is 40, VOD OCD

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