Vampires Cry Too … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Us Weekly

Kristen Stewart & Rob Pattinson: Pattinson is sequestered at Reese Witherspoon’s ranch in Ojai while he sorts out his feelings. Reese understands Pattinson’s situation, as she weathered her own cheating scandals with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe. Damn you, Tracy Flick. Always meddling!

Pattinson has been running a lot to work off some of his anger, “huffing past a lavender-scented meadow, a pool, and a horse paddock” as he jogs his way around the compound. “Yet no matter how peaceful the scenery, the actor, 26, could not escape the hell his days had become.” The news that Kristen Stewart had cheated on him with Rupert Sanders “blindsided” Pattinson. “He’s questioning everything and wants nothing to do with her.” Stewart’s public apology made him even more furious. An “inconsolable” Stewart is camped out at her parents’ home in the San Fernando Valley. Pattinson is “not using electronic cigarettes anymore. He’s been smoking real ones since this news came out.” He had noticed that Kristen “was being really weird lately but she reassured him nothing was going on.” Rob is “disgusted because he had a feeling about this director.” Nobody but Rupert and Kristen knows exactly when the affair started. Stewart realizes “how totally self-destructive this was. She just can’t believe she fucked all this up and ruined everything.” Even her parents are embarrassed for her. Now they must brave the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 press tour together, during which their every mumble will be parsed for clues.

Taylor Swift’s Barely Legal Boyfriend: Taylor is dating Conor Kennedy, “the 18-year-old son of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary Kennedy.” She has been hanging out at the Kennedy family Hyannis Port compound, a perfect place for Taylor to dress like Betty Draper. “They walked on the beach and played on a trampoline.” Later Kennedy “treated his girl to pizza and soda.” They went sailing (of course they did). “Conor put his arm around Taylor and they kissed behind the boat shed.” Sounds like 22-year-old Taylor has figured out a way to retroactively live her teenage dream life by picking up a hot 18-year-old. She sure likes those tall, white, dark-haired preppy guys. Date a rapper, Taylor!

Mila Kunis: “I was like ‘I want big boobs and a big old ass and a cape.’”

Giuliana Rancic: “I was like a circus act. The freak show down the street. Everyone would come and see the baby with the giant head.”

Jackson Family Feud: Janet Jackson was filmed outside the Jackson estate in Calabasas trying to grab Paris Jackson’s cell phone out of her hands and calling Paris “a spoiled little bitch.” Paris replied, “This is our house, not the Jackson family house. Get the fuck out!” It’s a far cry from the televised Michael Jackson memorial, where Janet comforted Paris as she broke down while speaking about her dad. Janet, along with the other Jackson siblings, is trying to “wrest control of the pop legend’s estate — an estimated $1 billion fortune — from family matriarch Katherine.” Janet, along with Jermaine, Randy, and Rebbie, were horrified to find themselves excluded from MJ’s will. They tried to bribe Katherine with a spa trip to declare the will “fake, flawed, and fraudulent.” The Jackson siblings also took away Katherine’s cell phone so that she couldn’t reach her grandchildren. The grandkids noticed and reported her disappearance to the cops. Janet has “no relationship” with Paris, Prince, and Blanket, and “needs the money.” The kids are now under the guardianship of Tito Jackson’s son TJ while the family continues to battle over Michael’s will. “This has been a total disaster.”

Misc/Etc: “Vince Vaughn’s daddy issues” “Lace is ladylike” “the newlywed model” “looked classy” “could not stop looking at him” “Talk to the hand!” “grunging it up in plaid” “a dip in a gold leopard” “aquatic primping!” “a boyfriend bomb!” “Tom Hardy’s Har-Har” “Business-casual bride” “funky follicles” “I was born in platform heels” “Fashion stole my smile!” “Empire waists. Clogs! Crocs.” “I was boppin’ my head” “their magic marriage” “Sharon Stone hopping on a Harley” “He hit on all of them” “a horse, pony, and pigs!” “took militant action” “the 20-foot animal in front of her” “really wants to do great plays” “a composite of relationships I’ve had” “I’m paralyzed by my need for control” “I threw her in the pool” “Who wants to look older?” “Isn’t this the Versace dress from Showgirls?”

Star

J. Lo’s Boyfriend Cruising for Gay Sex on Her Birthday? Lopez celebrated her birthday on a mega-yacht, where boyfriend Casper Smart gave her a necklace. But a day earlier a paparazzo caught Smart at “a gay XXX peepshow on Manhattan’s Eighth Avenue.” A Star “undercover reporter” visited the place and “discovered not only that it’s a well-known cruising spot for gay men looking for instant hookups, but also that this reportedly wasn’t the only time Casper had visited.” The tabloids are doing so much actual reporting lately! “N.Y. VIP Toys sits a few blocks south of Times Square — a seedy, stalwart remnant of the pre-Rudy Giuliani days.” The reporter found “buddy booths lined up against the back wall” involving “a coin-operated video screen, a foldout chair with exam table paper on the seat, and two waist-high holes in the wall leading to the booth next to it.” Meaning glory holes. How evocative is the exam table paper?

“You go into the booths, then you get all kinds of tapping on the walls and propositions. It’s like zombies.” What? How is that like zombies? “Seconds after entering one of the booths — which was hawking a steamy gay video featuring two muscular men billed as Kris & Dolph — our reporter was accosted by a man in the booth next door. In no uncertain language, he offered to share a ‘really big’ part of himself through the hole in the wall. When our reporter declined, the anonymous invisible man apologized, even bidding our reporter to ‘take care, buddy.’” Ride on, midnight cowboy.

Ashton Kutcher Wants Mila Kunis’s Babies: “Ashton feels his biological clock ticking. He’s wanted kids for years.” Now Kutcher is “pinning his hopes on Mila’s fertility” since he’s “madly in love and wants to marry her.” Kunis wants him to slow the hell down, since Kutcher isn’t even legally divorced from Demi Moore yet. “Though she’s hopeful that she and Ashton will last, she’s moving cautiously and has been slow to acknowledge their relationship.” That means she’s probably been secretly schtupping Kristen Stewart.

Jessica Biel’s Lonely Bachelorette Party: “The Total Recall beauty is hitting some snags in planning her bachelorette party. Namely, she doesn’t have anyone to invite.” All these “Jessica Biel is a wet blanket” stories sound like a sad trombone. Wah, wah. An insider says, “Jessica doesn’t have a lot of girlfriends. Her plan right now is to fly to Colorado and meet up with a group of her hometown friends.” Justin Timberlake’s bachelor party, of course, will likely be Caligulan.

Mariah’s American Idol Rider: “Mariah was adamant about getting more money than J.Lo, whose $12 million seat she’s about to fill.” She negotiated her way up to $18 million like a BOSS. La Carey plans to make sure her outfits are ever fiercer than La Lopez’s. Her rider includes demands for “a dressing room fit for a queen” and “organic baby beds in a toy-filled playspace big enough for her husband Nick Cannon, 31, and their 15-month-old twins, Moroccan and Monroe, to hang out in while Her Majesty is on set.” Whatever Mimi wants, Mimi gets.

Elton John: “Forget having a Tiny Dancer, Elton John’s 19-month-old son, Zachary, is on his way to becoming a Tiny Kicker!” He wants David Beckham to teach Zachary all he knows. “Elton can teach him everything he wants to know musically but when it comes to anything athletic, he’s clueless.” Sounds like a horrible sitcom.

Scarlett Johansson Goes Howard Hughes: Ever since a hacker leaked her nude pics, Johansson has “grown increasingly paranoid” that “people are constantly spying on her. It’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t trust any technology.” She stays off the Internet and uses a land line. “She has everyone, including her boyfriend Nate Naylor, contacting her through her assistant. It’s really awkward but for now he’s going along with it.” Are you sure she’s not just trying to avoid a trail of evidence that she’s cheating on him with Kristen Stewart?

Jessica Simpson’s Plastic Surgery Diet: “Jessica is frustrated with diet and exercise and would undergo surgery if she wasn’t under contract.” Her $4 million deal with Weight Watchers specifies that she has to lose the weight through diet and exercise only. “Jess has been researching plastic surgery procedures. Everything from noninvasive options, like lipodissolve injections, to tummy tucks and liposuction.” Ugh. This whole situation. I just can’t …

Misc/Etc: “Have any fathers ever hit on you?” “the hipster and the hottie” “Her fiance showed more cleavage than she did” “ravishing in an indie kind of way” “Tony Romo showed up at a Walmart” “six-inch heels and skateboards” “from drug problems to duck poop” “The mother is my boss and I avoid too much interaction with the father” “There she sat, with white lines in front of her and powder on her nose. I knew it was cocaine.” “Girls are a nightmare from toddler to teen and beyond” “a tantrum-throwing superbitch” “fielding offers to pose nude” “bouncing and shaking her hips” “The fighting is 100 percent real” “semi-naked flopping around the house” “No one wins a twitter war.” “Angelina-esque bi charm” “What she’s hoping he’ll cook up next is a baby” “Definitely not that way you’d want your husband acting in public” “She’s a mother to her brothers!”

InTouch

Chris Brown & Rihanna Are Still Hooking Up: “They just can’t quit each other!” The pair “have been spotted kissing on the yacht of Malaysian billionaire Taek Jho Low off the shore of St. Tropez.” A couple days later “Chris, 23, and Rihanna, 24, met up once again along the French Riviera for an intimate dinner in Monaco. According to reports, the former couple had been secretly sneaking away all week to spend time alone while Chris is in France to film his new video. One person who might not approve of their recent rendezvous? Chris’ current girlfriend Karrueche Tran, 24, who’s also in town.” I hear she’s been hooking up with Kristen Stewart, Mila Kunis, and Scarlett Johansson.

British Royals: “No woman makes Kate Middleton as insecure as Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe.” So British.

Tanning Mom Stops Tanning: InTouch paid her to stop. She says it’s “definitely been hard” to stay away from salons and that she misses “those first few minutes. Getting into the warm tanning bed.” She says, “I feel weird and pale. I feel white. Everyone says I look bettter, but I’m not sure.” She looks fine. Parting words: “I’ve had moments where I’ve felt like, ‘I need to be tan.’” One more: “I wish people could understand that tanning was never my whole life.”

Jennifer Lopez’s Boyfriend Was Getting a Happy-Ending Massage? An alternate take on Casper Smart’s visit to V.I.P. Toys suggests he was there for a hand job at an “exotic massage parlor.” InTouch interviewed “Bibi, a massage worker who says she is 31 and a native of Korea.” She said that Casper was “in a big hurry” during his 10-minute visit and added that, “He is a nice man. He has strong muscles.” A sidebar on massage parlors points out that “paying for sex is illegal in NYC, but clients negotiate prices for services with their providers, who are usually advertised as being from exotic locales in Asia.” An oblivious “Jennifer loves and trusts Casper. She sees him as her partner.” The massage parlor visit would seem to indicate that he has some “impulse-control issues.” Maybe he can date Kristen Stewart?

A friend of Lopez’s says, “He’s creepy and everyone around her knows it.” Lopez is drawn to snakes. She was cheated on by exes Puff Daddy, Ben Affleck, and Marc Anthony. But DAT ASS. This is a weird story all around. Who gets a 10-minute massage? Or cruises that fast? And if he wasn’t doing either of those things than what the hell was Smart doing in a seedy Times Square joint for 10 measly minutes? Sus.

Kimye: “Kim Kardashian has a whole new set of priorities — and her boyfriend, Kanye West is at the top of the list. She gets Kanye’s clothes ready, makes him breakfast and schedules massages for them. She enjoys doting on him.” And he enjoys giving her things to do. “Kanye is very demanding with Kim, but she likes that. He wants to clothe her and dictate where she goes and who she spends her time with — and she lets him. She loves the feeling of being a powerful man’s woman.” She loves the feeling of being an accessory? Oh duh, of course she does. “Kim is kind of annoying to be around now. He’s changed her.” That is what happens when you put the pussy in a sarcophagus. It can’t escape.

Michelle Williams Prefers Jason Segel Chubby: “She likes his body. She thinks he’s cuddly.”

Tom Cruise’s Divorced-Guy Style: “Tom looked a lot more rugged than usual in a rumpled, untucked shirt and some rarely seen facial hair.” Tom “has been paying less attention to his appearance because he’s still reeling from Katie’s decision to leave him — and his noticeably leaner build also is due to forgetting to eat. But though married Tom was known for being buff, clean-shaven and impeccably dressed, many are wondering if the less-than-perfect new look isn’t just a reaction to his divorce but a calculated attempt to reform his robotic image — and let the world know he’s human.” It’s true that Tom’s “less-than-perfect” style is just, like, one shirttail fastidiously untucked and some tame stubble.

Misc/Etc: “Went from hot girl next door to carefully done-up trophy wife to neglected, dowdy mom” “I tried to bring bad style back” “She definitely looks different and better” “sharing snaps of their beautiful bumps” “Britney’s quite mean as we’ll discover” “I can actually feel Mike spinning around in heaven right now” “We’re going to eat our butts off!” “We’re in shock too — at how hot he looked!” “She’s having a rebound romance with John Mayer” “How you doin’?” “roots and wrinkles” “makeup-free, sad-looking” “working a goatee” “the mousy-looking creature she became during her marriage” “Sheer terror washed over her” “Get down on your knees and beg that man to forgive you” “hundreds of texts all day” “blood princesses” “She is changing for her man” “keeping up the bear theme”

OK!

Snooki Nervous About Giving Birth: “Because a baby is coming out of your cooka! It’s very scary.” She’s looking forward to “just getting married, so he’s mine forever and can never leave me.” Will her child grow up on reality TV? “We’re not sure yet.” So that’s a yes. The Baby Snooks Show!

Robert Pattinson: “Girls throw themselves at him all the time, but there’s never been any suggestion of him cheating.” My friend Fran said that Robert Pattinson looks like “a smoldering horse” and I think that’s a perfect description.

Kate Gosselin: “I clean up the house, put the kids to bed, and there I sit.” [crickets for eternity]

Heidi Klum: “My teeth! They don’t age! You just bleach them!” So German.

Russell Brand: “I spend more time meditating and doing yoga than I do having sex!” How boring are Russell Brand’s sex brags? What are you trying to prove, Russell?

Misc/Etc: “How many other men” “genie ponytail” “mini s’mores, ginger snap crumble, banana brown betties, and pudding pies” “I just want to feel normal” “Suddenly camera-shy Kanye West” “Rihanna’s getting high” “Nothing like a psychedelic-colored lolly” “Bill Clinton dropped by the wedding reception” “She wants to stay in the entertainment business and has sworn that no matter what, she will never be stuck in a ‘real job.’” “militantly monogamous” “swallowed it because he didn’t want to be controlling” “She leaped at the chance to have three-way sex” “There are all those aforementioned bikini models” “Most men and women love to flirt. It’s just part of being human.” “He knows what the limits are.” “They were throwing the policemen around like pillows” “warmth that flatters a gingy’s skin”

Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher, Casper Smart, Chris Brown, Demi Moore, Jason Segel, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Michael Jackson, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, Molly's Magazines, Ok!, Reese Witherspoon, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson, Snooki, Star, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, Tom Hardy, Us Weekly

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert