From the balcony, Marnie and her minions Statler-and-Waldorf on the increasingly chaotic and now gore-spattered vamp convention. Sookie flits about in her hearts-adorned hoodie. Girl has the fashion sense of a six-year old who’s been held back. The vamps are dressed like a bunch of high-school teachers chaperoning a dance. I was hoping vampire Principal Cutler would come in and break things up. Eric’s endless viking memory comes back to him in a flash montage of blood and kinda gay stuff.

Jason buckles his belt after Jessica’s latest de-virginizing. Now that the clothes are back on, he’s suddenly feeling guilty about Hoyt. Jessica doesn’t want to hurt him, but she wants Jason more than ever and takes his doubt as a challenge. He requests that she glamour him so he can stop feeling shitty about it, and she suggests that he go fuck himself.

Alcide is driving the shape-shifting Tommy to the hospital in his pickup truck because Alcide has been cursed with empathy. Tommy starts squirting blood everywhere and I notice Joe Manganiello’s resemblance to Ash from The Evil Dead for the first time. That dude looks like he’s built for B-Movies.

Tara and Holly continue to discuss rising up against their power-crazed witch overlordess. The only young man in the coven is some guy in a drug rug. Marnie’s promises of sisterhood and empowerment have turned into a fascist lady Manson family. Nan Flanagan and Bill, in their blood-soiled Reagan finery, take their political marriage of ideals to divorce court.

Everyone in this episode is catching feelings and then trying to blame them on the vampire blood (V-Pain). Pam and Eric are reunited, but Pam can tell that Eric is upset about Sookie not wanting only him. (What’s the deal with the zebra throw rug in the foyer?) Sookie is worried about Tara dying in the conflict. Alcide brings Tommy home to Sam. Sam nurses Tommy out of his terrible shifter hangover, but Tommy acts like he’s fixin’ to die regardless. Tommy apologizes for being a shitty guy mostly and for raping his brother’s girlfriend and killing their parents and all and then passes out on a deathbed made of potential acting award nominations for Sam Trammell.

Jason is drinking a beer alone and trying desperately not to have thoughts. Trying not to have thoughts is the great work of Jason Stackhouse’s life. Hoyt shows up and Jason looks freaked out, like a person who just had rough sex in a truck with his best, only friend’s long-term lady. Hoyt wants to pour his heart out about his sadness, while Jason tries not to think about what else, and where, he’s poured out lately.

Hoyt reminisces about how cute Jessica looks when she’s sleepy (except vampires don’t sleep, I thought?) and starts crying on Jason’s couch. Jason tries not to feel disgusted with Hoyt or with himself for being disgusted. Terry and Arlene wear some nice matching house robes while having an intervention with Andy about his V addiction. We’re just glad the devil baby is gone.

Sookie is giving Jason the sisterly side-eye about his impatience with Hoyt’s heartbreak. Sookie’s stupid insight is bound to lead her to the truth pretty quickly. She just asks the hard questions while serving you pancakes like a little faerie Matlock. Terry brings his cousin Andy to the old tree fort. You know the old tree fort where we go to solve all our problems. Terry has got such a complex backstory compared to the other characters, kind of like Phoebe Buffay.

Marnie fights with Antonia’s spirit in the potions basement. I can’t get near the Spanish Inquisition without thinking about Monty Python, and Marnie’s ridiculously silly “evil ancient Spaniard” voice is not helping one bit. Silvered down in the Hurricane basement once more, Nan Flanagan tells Bill about the “degrading” torture she has in store for him after they get out. Eric and Pam defend Bill and are also promised the True Death. Jessica doesn’t care what happens as long as she gets to kill shit (Odd Future Jess Gang).

Sookie and her gang of gym rats go looking for witches in the suburban neighborhood where the feminist bookstore is. Jesus and Marnie/Antonia have a mighty morphin’ magic battle on the sun-dappled streets of Pasadena, Louisiana. Lafayette looks up as his boyfriend gets Final Fantasy’d into a voodooo monster and goes inside with Marnie. He continues hiding behind a car with Sook and Jason.

Debbie and Captain Were-Trips share a cigarette and talk about their secret Outlaw Country domestic dreams. Alcide is apparently not too keen on Debbie’s intense desire to be a shifter mom, which Marcus uses to manipulate her into making out with him. Which seems really out of character for Debbie and convenient to make Alcide single without guilt so that he can be thrown back into the mix of Sookie’s suitors.

Sam Merlotte brings a gun to the garage. Sam is really the dude you need to watch out for. It’s those mild-mannered seeming types that are the real psychos, I swear. Andy and Terry practice shooting guns out by the old tree fort. They get in a real deep relatives-type fight where old/eternal wounds open up about who is hotter (Terry), who is doing better in their career (Andy), and which of the Bellefleurs is “winning” in general.

Marnie and Jesus do some bonding while Tara and Holly conduct a counter-spell. Everyone runs out into the streets where Marnie spits magical golden end-of-Lost CGI water vapors at the whole crew. Andy and Terry get emotional in the woods together. They had just been acting out Andy’s Vcoholism and Terry’s PTSD. Terry tells Andy that strong men also cry. They hug it out and then will probably pretend it never happened (and nobody even has to glamour anybody!).

Andy delivers a monologue for a minute that makes me remember how he was so scary and great on The Wire and how he is so unscary and kind of Andy Griffith on True Blood and whatever it’s fine. Then cut back the witch-supply emporium. The all-black vampire rapevan shows up and Eric, Jessica, Bill, and Pam step out in a “cool” freeze frame, ready for war.