Tom Cruise’s Parenting Skills … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids

Us Weekly

Katie Holmes, Newly Strict Mom: Suri and Katie hit a pet store “to play with a 9-week-old Morkie (a mix of Maltese and Yorkie).” Despite Suri’s “best pleading eyes and sad pout,” they escaped without a new pet. Suri “was really upset. She will have to get used to not always getting her way.” With an unlimited budget for clothes and toys, Suri “had become very demanding and bratty. “Katie saw that Suri was growing into a monster.” Now she aims “to be more than just her daughter’s best friend. She wants to really become a parent and start teaching her strong discipline.” GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT. “Tom bought Suri whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it.” As a Scientologist, Suri was allowed to have “ice cream for dinner and choose her own business.” Wait, that sounds rad. “Tom just used to let her stay up all night watching Scientology kids videos!” Okay, that’s less rad. Suri doesn’t love the new parenting style. She may enjoy going to prep school, since it will allow her to genuinely socialize for the first time. “Suri’s best friend is Katie. She’s not used to sharing or playing with other kids.” It’s going fine. “It will be a process. Katie knows it will take time to undo the damage, but she sees this as a way to start over.”

Kristen Wiig & Fabrizio Moretti: “I’m happier than I’ve ever been,” Wiig told a magazine regarding her hot drummer boyfriend Fab. “It’s not a big deal” that Wiig is dating her one-time friend Drew Barrymore’s ex-boyfriend. Probably doesn’t hurt that Barrymore is pregnant and married to a different dude now. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a competition. “Kristen fits in with his crew more than Drew ever did.”

Jesse Pinkman to Wed Soon: “I’ve been buying bridal magazines!” 32-year-old groom-to-be Aaron Paul confesses. “I want a 1920s Parisian carnival-themed wedding.” Wow, that sounds horrible! Of his fiancée, 25-year-old Lauren Parsekian, he says, “She’s the greatest woman that has ever existed.” He’s worried about losing his shit during the vows. “I’m going to try not to be a sobbing mess up there. I’m looking forward to living with my best friend and my partner in crime.” You’re marrying Bryan Cranston? And he’s down with the ’20s Parisian carnival theme?

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum: Celebrated their third anniversary with a “scenic boat ride on Lake Como” and triple date with George Clooney, Stacy Keibler, and Clooney’s parents, Nick and Nina. Presumably Channing Tatum entertained the group by dance-humping the floor to some dubstep. In case you were wondering if Clooney is trying to draft Tatum into another Ocean’s Eleven or just keeping tabs on the A-list, Tatum and his wife are friends with Stacy Keibler from their years spent grinding on the C-list. Clooney, who also spent a long time on the C-list (albeit in the ’80s) is probably totally comfortable hanging with this crew.

Sofia Vergara & Nick Loeb: “Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend mended her broken heart with a really strong bandage: a 7-carat diamond!” Um, aren’t diamonds like knives? Every time I read about this pairing I think Sofia Vergara is dating Nick Lowe and get confused and excited until I realize I saw it wrong. What’s so funny?

Movie, Song, and TV Show Quotes That Contestants on The Bachelor Franchise Have Passed Off As Their Own Original Thoughts:

  • “Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.” — Ben Flajnik (quoting Cocktail)
  • “I want to love you and treat you right. Every day and every night.” — Courtney Robertson (quoting Bob Marley’s “Is This Love”)
  • “I’m looking for love. Real, passionate, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” — Robertson again (quoting Sex And The City)
  • “I wanted it to be you so bad.” — Emily Maynard (quoting You’ve Got Mail)

The Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, and Lana Del Rey Slumber Party: “Strange bedfellows! When pals Lindsay Lohan and Lana Del Ray ran into Lady Gaga at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, they invited her to join them in Del Rey’s room.” Hopefully to re-create the Allison Anders femme coven section of Four Rooms. “The unlikely trio, all 26, took pictures and watched television. They played dress-up with each other’s jewelry.” Be careful! The Chateau Marmont is notorious for open portals to the 27 Club. “They joked how they were East Coast girls living it up out West.” And then they did each other’s nails and had a pillow fight and did no drugs.

Jane Fonda’s Sex Life: “At 74, I have never had such a fulfilling sex life,” Fonda brags of her relationship with 70-year-old Richard Perry. “When we make love, I see him as he was 30 years ago.” I just Googled a younger pic of him and LOL. Get it, though. Jane Fonda, you are awesome and I bet you’re hella flexible.

Miley Cyrus’s Sex Life: “Sex is actually really beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing and it is magic, and it’s when you connect with somebody.” Spoken like a true stoner.

Lucy Liu on Fan Requests: “A lot of times they’ll ask me to spank them.” And?

Justin Bieber: “I’d try a spin kick to the face.” And?

Michelle Williams on a Dawson’s Creek Reunion: Considering her character kicked the bucket in the finale, “It’s either I come back as a ghost or I’m shot through a lot of gauzy, hazy light as my 19-year-old self.”

Christian Bale: “They enjoy it when I do the voice and chase them around pretending to be Batman.”

Misc/Etc: “It was our ode to Courtney Love” “mermaid colors” “netting and crosses” “Haute hippies!” “He was let go because he was too difficult” “I cook for him naked!” “I like Spam (the junk food)” “I love, love, love, being a girl” “She’s magical!” “eating some Starbucks ice cream” “Elle Macpherson shucked sea urchins in Ibiza” “hot mamas in high heels” “Princess Diana flashbacks!” “Man vs. Man” “Is he her boyfriend or her stylist?” “Jesus jugs!” “Weekend mom!” “drops which constrict blood vessels with menthol” “Hexagon nipples are the new black” “sun and skeeters” “they spent a lot of time in their room!” “she thinks he’s The One” “warned her not to gain weight” “She was truly in love with two really good people” “suffered through a messy breakup” “You’re a nobody” “There are not only love triangles, but love octagons” “Yummy marshmallows!” “Just because your dad is a playwright doesn’t mean you should dress like one”

Star

Seth MacFarlane Won’t Commit to Cameron Diaz: “Poor Cameron Diaz seem to be perpetually unlucky in love!” After dating a string of mimbos and athletes, the 39-year-old actress lowered her sights towards MacFarlane, 38, “but he is completely noncommittal about it.” BUT HE LOOKS JUST LIKE PETER GRIFFIN. “He thinks she’s hot and is down to hang out with her, but he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.” Good to know that the issues explored on Girls don’t let up as you near middle age. “He’s a hotshot now and is having fun playing the field.” Another factor is that “Seth reportedly tends to go for younger girls!” Shut it down. Blow it up. What? Everything.

Katie Holmes & Chris Klein: After “some heated texting,” the former couple recently reconnected. In early July “Chris slipped into Katie’s Chelsea apartment using a back service entrance so he wouldn’t be spotted. It was a sexy, supersecret rendezvous. The vibe was electric, and Katie and Chris spent a lot of time simply catching up.” Holmes “is so thankful to have some lust and passion back in her life.” Tom Cruise “feels totally humiliated by Katie at this point.”

Britney’s Wedding Jitters: “This is her third wedding, so she doesn’t know whether she should go really big and make a huge statement or just do it super toned down.” The singer is also “petrified of jinxing the relationship.” So why get married? Oh, that’s right: the earth-crushing pressure from magazines like this one.

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson got divorced in part “because she wasn’t at all interested in having children.” Not a problem for 24-year-old Lively, who will do whatever it takes to keep Reynolds on lock. She’s already given up alcohol and gained ten pounds in preparation. Damn it, Serena!

Bad Boy Zac Efron: “Despite his take-him-home-to-Mom image, Zac Efron is developing a rep in Hollywood for being a bad influence.” He and Twilight‘s Kellan Lutz “throw wild late-night bashes that sometimes go on for 24 hours.” Who wants to e-mail me the address so I can R.S.V.P?

J. Lo & Casper Smart? Did she quit American Idol to spend more time with her young boyfriend? “Jen is insecure about losing him. She’s basically rearranged her life to revolve around him, even though her family members, including her mom and sister, think he could end up breaking her heart.”

Did Kristen Stewart Get Breast Implants? “The Twilight Saga beauty’s supernatural-looking bust — prominent in a black bra under a tight, white, belly-baring shirt — sparked rumors that she’d gotten implants.” A surgeon weighs in to say Kristen’s “breasts have gone from what looked like a large A cup to a large B cup. While this might be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra, it’s most likely the result of a breast augmentation.” What about birth control? Or just hormones? 22 is not an unreasonable time for boobs to still grow. Oh, well. “Her small chest has been a source of unhappiness for Kristen.” Now “she has the body she’s always wanted.” When she showed up at Comic-Con her “new breasts seemed to arrive with her.”

Misc/Etc: “All the material goods in the world do not give you a sense of self-esteem” “Why do some girls do this?” “trigger a release from emotional pain” “Miley skips pants altogether” “been supporting her lazybones ex” “Her mom still loves her father despite all his problems” “She’s leaving to concentrate on conceiving” “the unnamed beefcake” “breaking in this Speedo-sporting hunk as her new beau” “She’s isolated, frightened, and lonely” “very difficult water dancing” “we have weddings on the brain” “No woman that rich should share her wealth without a ring or a prenup” “a haunted faraway look in her eyes” “Looks like ditching that excess 160 lbs. of greasy British wit really paid off!” “wallowing in the sweatpants-chic look of a bored housewife” “The former princess went from tomboy to terrific”

InTouch

Jane Pitt Gives Angelina Jolie a Bible: “Jane, 71, bought the large $130 tome in black leather binding with ‘Angelina Jolie’ embossed in flowing gold script.” Getting trolled by Jane Pitt sounds harsh. “It was a special wedding gift,” says the person who sold it to her. “We prayed with Brad’s mom and sister over the Bible, asking the Lord to lead the way in Brad and Angelina’s life.” Jane Pitt is well-known for being Team Aniston. “Jane is invalidating Angelina through passive-aggressive behavior. It’s subtle, destructive, and will corrode Jane’s relationship with her future daughter-in-law.” Angelina should give her Jane Aleister Crowley’s Holy Books of Thelema embossed with her name.

Pink’s Baby Sees Ghosts: Pink believes that 13-month-old Willow “communicates with the beyond,” claiming “she sees spirits all the time. It’s true, I think kids can totally see spirits. Willow has been trying to hand her cookie to something that she laughs at right in front of her face for six months.” Or you’re just nuts.

Is Sofia Vergara’s Fiance Just Using Her? She was showing off a huge ring “and everybody was admiring it” during her 40th birthday celebration in Mexico. They recently broke up before the engagement due to “Sofia’s desire to get married. Sofia was ready to end it unless Nick promised he’d marry her. She wants him to get serious.” But given recent reports that “Nick is a sex addict who’s into drugs and orgies,” Sofia, who has a “history of tempestuous relationships with troubled men,” could be “setting herself up for more heartbreak.” Loeb is “a ladies’ man, and even while dating Sofia he’s flirted with random girls on the side.” She is in love with the Loeb’s Onion Crunch businessman, who “even bragged about his wild nights while drinking with friends. Sofia definitely doesn’t believe the stories that are going around about Nick — she’s straight up in denial. He has a wandering eye and that’s not going to stop, even if they do get married.” YOLO!

Kristen Stewart: “Before I was 15, I dressed like a boy. I wore my brother’s clothes.” I miss the ’90s so bad, you guys.

Kirstie Alley’s Memoir Is Going to Rule: In her new book, The Art of Men, Kirstie Alley, 61, promises to spill the beans on just about every guy she has ever known and “promises to dish on everyone from famous directors like Woody Allen to the cast of Cheers.” Hopefully, also, the cast of Fat Actress. She says “I’ve lived a pretty wild life. And I wanted to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.” Yah Mo B There.

Kim Kardashian: has at least 10 identical pairs of black leather pants.

Tom Cruise: “Clad in head-to-toe leather as he shot his new sci-fi film Oblivion in 90 degree heat, Tom Cruise had plenty to complain about.” He was “extremely professional and nice to everyone” on set. “But as he steamed in his space-suit in California’s High Sierras, the star was feeling the heat in more ways than one.”

Misc/Etc: “Imagine how easy it would be to brainwash a child” “a glam clash” “She wears the pants” “Hey, no touching at the strip club!” “It’s a nice year to do wonderful things together” “I stole Paulie Walnuts’ do” “He seems more into gangster love!” “getting paid to help her shower and sunbathe” “quite a kinky comeback” “trust-fund baby” “until the unthinkable happened — he dumped her” “The guy is a jerk” “deep issues with his father” “caught texting other women” “He’s driving tourists in a two-seater for The Indy Racing Experience” “currently living with her future husband” “the former hell-raiser” “wants to design urban wear” “They can’t live without each other” “the cigarette loving starlet” “the famous ladies’ man” “spotted making out with her hip-hip boyfriend” “They think their mother is embarrassing” “Topless picture of the teen smoking what appears to be a joint.”

OK!

Kanye Hates Kim’s Sex Tape: “Some of his buddies were teasing him about it over a few beers recently and he went crazy and told them in no uncertain terms that the subject was completely off limits. At first they thought he was joking, but he was deadly serious. Kanye never, ever wants to see the tape and he has banned anyone in his entourage from even talking about it.” Despite the freewheeling sexual nihilism of his rap persona, “Kanye has boundaries. For all his bad-boy image he’s quite old-fashioned.” Not to mention, “it would make Kanye sick to see her with another man.” Kanye also has Hitchcockian issues about controlling women. His “skittishness it motivated by more than male jealousy; he’s pushing Kim to clean up her whole sexpot act — for instance, pressuring her to dress more demurely.” She has switched over from bandage dresses to those 10 pairs of leather pants (I’m sure she has way more than 10). “Kim’s determined to have a more sophisticated image. Kanye is definitely having an impact.”

The Secret History of Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: “Rob basically stole Kristen from her first love, Michael Angarano, and used castmate Nikki Reed along the way. When Rob saw he couldn’t have Kristen he went for Nikki — but he never stopped pursuing the lady he really wanted. Eventually Kristen cracked and Rob tossed Nikki aside. It caused so much tension on the set — it was a bit sad because Kristen and Nikki started out as really good friends but then because of Rob they ended up hating each other.” And then they had to make several more vampire romance movies together in this haze of partner-swapping and sexual betrayal. Some sources say Rob and Kristen, who “are very liberated sexually,” have agreed to have “an open relationship,” which is why they get photographed with other people sometimes but don’t seem to have issues with it. Kristen Stewart looks forward to finally playing a vampire in Breaking Dawn: Part 2, saying “You’re feeling like, ‘Wow, I am a sports car — break her in, man, let’s see what she can do.’”

Jon Voight & Jane Pitt: Voight backs Pitt’s open letter to a newspaper criticizing Barack Obama. “Good for her.” Oh man, what if Jane Pitt hooks up with Jon Voight?

Lindsay Lohan Being A Jerk: “Lindsay Lohan made life a living hell for the cast and crew of Liz & Dick.” One traumatized crew member says, “I never worked with anyone like her.” She showed up to set three hours late and then made the crew wait while she got a manicure. “She left garbage everywhere and smoked, even though she wasn’t supposed to. And in a mansion where they were filming, all the antiques were covered in bubble wrap, and Lindsay ripped bubble wrap off an expensive mirror so she could look at herself.” That is incredible. “During filming, Lindsay made a fool of herself over Grant Bowler, who played her onscreen lover Richard Burton. He wanted nothing to do with her, causing her to act like a spurned lover, storming off.” She’s also been banned from several hotels (such as Shutters). Lindsay Lohan loves doing all seven deadly sins simultaneously. Gingers!

Misc/Etc: “We just wanted to be animals” “sexy peacock costume” “easy youthful hair” “settling into her new life in the Sunshine State” “The only thing missing from her life is a man — and not just any man. She wants one with deep pockets.” “She doesn’t want to work or have a real job” “the modeling offers aren’t exactly piling in” “She doesn’t want to downgrade her lifestyle” “Prison is no cake walk” “burlesque dancer, model, actress, and author” “having a little fun on a skateboard” “his signature amber teething necklace” “It’s kind of like a kinky fetish thing with the wigs and corsets” “Dating your co-star: It’s been a tradition since the days of silent movies” “dancing with the dolphin” “abandon her for a solo career” “cash out on his Kentucky home” “a divorce for the queen of weddings” “in a bikini with 600 Brazilian army men” “more crazy sex” “piglets, goats, and ducks!” “a nice big birthday cake” “I eat cupcakes and I don’t work out” “seen hugging on the beach”

Filed Under: Aaron Paul, Channing Tatum, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Kristen Wiig, Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Lindsay Lohan, Molly's Magazines, Sofia Vergara, Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert