This Week’s Top Ten Songs … IN RUSSIA!

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1. Elka, “Okolo Tebia”


Ukranian singer Elka (pronounced “Yolka”) is a judge on the Ukranian version of The X Factor. Feeling this video because there’s a cat in it that looks like my cat. Yes that’s all it takes.
Best YouTube Comment: “Slov net!!! Supeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr” — 99guky
Grade: B+

2. Rihanna & Calvin Harris, “We Found Love” (Brit Awards 2012)


Yeah yeah yeah, we know. The real question is, will “Talk That Talk” still be Rihanna’s next single — as it should and was once rumored to be — or did Riri piss off manager/surrogate father figure Jay-Z so much with those two Chris Brown remixes that Hov will refuse to have anything to do with promoting “Talk That Talk,” on which he does some of the worst piss-take bars of his life.
Best YouTube Comment: “i would love to die by being suffocated by Rihanna sitting on my face.” — CodFilmsHD
Grade: A

3. Gradysi, “Zametaet”


This band’s name is Degrees and as far as Google Translate tells me the song is called “Sweeps.” I liked the beginning best and then realized I was waiting for the beat to drop because I’d been listening to too much Kenny Powers dubstep.
Best YouTube Comment: “This. is why i love russia.” — 2vilku
Grade: B

4. Nyusha, “Vishe”


Anna Shurochkina is a 21-year-old singer better known as Nyusha. This video is all over the place and reminiscent of Britney a few albums back. She shoots a clown out of a cannon. She is a marionette like ‘N Sync in “It’s Gonna Be Me.” I think I see vampires? There are definitely leather catsuits. Catchy!
Best YouTube Comment: “@TerminatorMega so if the person has rich parents and he/she can be owner of so many companies or famous in particular area..where everything will be possible by money ..cause in this world nothing is free..it’s not a big deal …or not he/she is doing any biggest work of the life or never gonna idol..from 0 level to the top is real hero. a real idol. Madonna is a greatest example of it.” — born2voyage
Grade: B+

5. Dan Balan, “Lish Do Utra”


Funny how plodding mid-tempo adult contemporary ballads — like this one by Moldavian songwriter Dan Balan — sound exactly the same in any language.
Best YouTube Comment: “I got laid listening to this song” — hagawi123
Grade: D

6. Maroon 5 & Christina Aguilera, “Moves Like Jagger”


Does anyone else get the impression that everyone on The Voice is fucking?
Best YouTube Comment: “Who’s Jagger” — countryboy8287
Grade: C

7. LMFAO, “Sexy and I Know It”


Sorry for party-existing.
Best YouTube Comment: “This is why im lesbian 0.0″ — lizzmonsterable
Grade: D-

8. Don Omar & Lucenzo, “Danza Kuduro”


Love the little phone conversation at the beginning and the models leaning awkwardly against marble columns with wine flutes. Also love how it’s overcast in half the shots. Don Omar is having another good year.
Best YouTube Comment: “Its snowing in my country and this song reminds me of summer I hate snow and love summer :D” — Oxia
Grade: B

9. Chris Parker, “Space”


Electro house based out of Tel Aviv. Vengabus and violins. Not my cup of moon milk.
Best YouTube Comment: “Ohh, relly positive! and music and video! Like it!” — Enticelove
Grade: C+

10. Sak Noel, “Paso (The Nini Anthem)”


Part 2 of Spanish DJ/producer Sak Noel’s “Crazy Society Trilogy” (Part 1 is “Loca People,” which sounds like this, but better). Noel calls young women away from boring mandatory commitments to hit the club and dance on a webcam. No job, no study. Only party. Within the very specific genre of girls talking over techno, this is massively inferior to “Drunk Text,” which leaked this week from Manufactured Superstars and Paris Hilton and seems poised to become the “Detachable Penis” for our times.
Best YouTube Comment: “This porn have a nice music.” — Acuzing
Grade: F

Filed Under: Grading the Charts, Jay-Z, Paris Hilton, Rihanna

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert