The Sad, Sad Song of Demi Moore … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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US

Demi: “From the way Demi Moore was behaving on one January night, she may as well have been a college kid at a dive bar on spring break.” The 49-year-old actress “looked out of her mind” partying with her 23-year-old daughter, Rumer. “She was dancing wildly, lifting up her shirt to show off her six-pack. Just desperate for attention. She was trying to seem sexy and cool.” At an after-hours kickback in her Beverly Hills house, Moore smoked “an incense-like substance” (possibly the legal faux-marijuana Spice). “Everyone there thought she was going to die.” She was treated at an ER. “Demi’s life is in complete crisis. She has spiraled since her split from Ashton. She has no idea who she is or what her life should be.” Her split from Kutcher “sent Moore’s deep-rooted insecurity about aging into overdrive.” “Once Hollywood’s hottest and highest-paid actress,” Demi viewed daughter Rumer “as her clubgoing wingwoman and an entrée into the young Hollywood scene.” A friend of Rumer’s says, “It’s so weird.” Demi has been “chasing” Zac Efron. She “tracked down the actor at a party” in Venice. “She just showed up, and everyone was pretty freaked out. They thought it was weird she would hang out with people half her age. She calls him and texts him a lot, but he’s not interested at all. He thinks she’s a creepy cougar.” Oh no, not the C-words! “She seemed out of her mind at this party.” At Beacher’s Madhouse “a sloppy Moore danced on tables.” A few nights later she chugged 10 Red Bulls. “She always wanted to seem young and fun to keep up with Ashton’s friends. Her age made her feel insecure enough, but if she was sober as well, she felt like she was a killjoy.” She “turned to bizarre beauty treatments, like using leeches.” You mean like Jenna Maroney on last week’s 30 Rock? “She would do anything to stay youthful.”

Jessica Biel’s Worst Ever Valentine’s Day: “In fourth grade, I made a huge card for a boy. I found it in the trash later that day! It’s cool. It’s fine. I feel like I am better for it … not that I’m still thinking about it or anything.”

Misc/Etc: “I have a rose. You don’t.” “I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.” “Don’t come after me, you whore!” “I haven’t had sex in 29 years.” “I feel like a girl walking past construction workers.” “I prefer the company of men to women.” “I spend a part of each day in an alternate universe” “I always have lipstick — I’m Southern!” “Whenever I visit my mother’s house, I have to leave a banana and two apples in a penis shape in her fruit bowl.” “She was sick of actors.” “Seth Rogen eating a sandwich” “Does a robe count as a life jacket?” “Tyler wants something huge and extravagant. And I’m like, ‘Dude, we don’t have the money for that!'” “Wax is then added to make it greasy.” “a platinum cellphone” “We were together a little over four weeks without a break, and we’re still married!”

Star

Johnny Depp & Eva Green: “Newly single Johnny Depp is already sizzling with a special lady.” After splitting with Vanessa Paradis, “the actor, 48, is getting close to his Dark Shadows costar Eva Green.” A friend spills that, “Johnny finds her exotic and fascinating company. They go to a private gym and have been very secretive about it. The romance is really getting steamy.” But “this split isn’t about women, it’s about Johnny. He can see 50 coming and started asking himself who he was and was he happy. He’s so complicated.”

Lady Gaga’s Open Relationship: “The pop star’s new beau, Vampire Diaries hottie Taylor Kinney, 30, was stunned when Gaga recently informed him that they should have ‘an open relationship.’ Gaga told him they can both sleep with other people as long as it’s ‘just sex.’ Taylor didn’t know how to react. He doesn’t want an open relationship.” An insider clams that the insecure Gaga is “paranoid that Taylor is going to cheat on her — so she decided that if she allows it, he won’t, because it takes away the thrill.” Her closeness to ex Luc Carl and “mixed romantic messages” may spell doom for Gaga and Kinney. “She’s giving Taylor the idea that she’s not really interested. It’s pushing him away.”

Teen Moms Out of Control: “Amber Lane alleges 20-year-old Teen Mom Jenelle Evans threw her own baby’s crib through their apartment window and trashed a bar table (which was a family heirloom) before hiding it in the woods. Jenelle also used social media to torment Amber, posting Amber’s number on Facebook so that she could be harassed by anyone who called.” Amber says, “I’ve spent days crying over what Jenelle posted about me online calling me a slut and a whore and reading comments from her thousands of fans saying I should kill myself.” Jenelle’s next roommate Hannah agrees, saying, “Jenelle doesn’t have any friends because she gets jealous and screws them over online.”

Misc/Etc: “He brought his mom Irmelin along on their Mexican getaway!” “wearing a cat sweater” “a freshly cropped ‘do, then a boosted bustline, and now a new face!” “Afrojack listening to Kaskade at T-Mobile presents Google Music at Tao at Sundance” “The 9-month-old chills in his crib wearing Babiators” “Lashes are the new lips” “Def having a night wedding!” “He abandoned her right off the bat. He wasn’t very much help, that’s for sure.” “She pops pills like I’ve never seen before.” “MAKING MORE BABIES” “The cutest cookies!” “There’s Botox in my refrigerator” “a cheerleading squad made up of piglets”

InTouch

Heidi Klum & Seal: “Seal’s ex-girlfriend Tatjana Patitz has a firm message for the beautiful Project Runway star: Don’t believe a word he says.” Former model Patitz says “that the singer is a selfish, immature man who is prone to frightening rages” and, “He is not a nice person. He has anger issues. He’s definitely not someone whom I think fondly of now.” She also believes he cheated on her throughout their yearlong relationship. Seal admits that “he had been unfaithful in many previous relationships.” While Tatjana “was initially swayed by Seal’s talent and charm, she says she dumped him for good when she could no longer deal with his temper.” She says, “In the courtship, it’s different.” While Seal “praises Heidi in interviews” in public, back at home he “was emotionally distant and mean.” A source says, “He has a tremendous ego.” Heidi “has taken the high road.”

J.Lo: “Wants her boyfriend, Casper Smart, to sever all ties with his former girlfriends, so she did what any woman would do: She surprised him with a $10,000 cell phone and of course, a new number!” Lopez “has been hurt by a lot of the men in her past. She is trying to control everything now.” “She strong-armed him into cutting all ties” with his exes.

Joan Rivers & Betty White Go to White Castle: “I smoke pot this season. It’s fantastic,” Rivers says of the new season of her show Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? Joan has hit the bong before “with galpal Betty White.” “I mean I went completely loopy, but it was fun!” “Joan doesn’t say exactly when she and Betty got high, but they’re longtime pals.”

Misc/Etc: “Girlfriend knows to always opt for a nude shoe.” “It’s utterly trippy.” “She’s my fountain of youth!” “I need to go potty. I am a robot.” “I tend to like nice, funny Jewish boys.” “Pancakes for everyone!” “physically, he’s not as handsome as the guys Courtney dates.” “She wants another child by the time she’s 23.” “He’s even given her a cruel new nickname — Portney, a play on words for ‘portly'” “Beyonce has six nannies!” “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it” “If you have a strong personality, people will always call you a bitch” “drooling enviously at stars decked out in impossible-to-afford designer looks.” Selena Gomez on style muse Katy Perry: “She represents the sensual woman.”

OK!

Russell Brand & Zooey Deschanel: The best made-up story of the week … “Russell has had his eye on Zooey for a long time. And he’s been sending funny, flirty texts to see if they can get together.” “He thinks she’s hysterically funny and cute, too. He loves her quirky sense of humor.” BUT DOES HE THINK SHE’S FUNNY WHEN SHE TELLS THE PUNCHLINE WRONG? “Zooey, who shares the same severe bangs and doe-like big blue eyes with Russell’s ex,” is “very aware that she looks strikingly similar to Katy.”

Prince William & Kate Middleton: “It’s the first crisis in their marriage.” After their “storybook wedding” and now “less than a year into their fairy-tale union, the starry-eyed Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are grappling with the sticky realities of married life.” A close friend says the couple “have been bickering a lot lately. And it’s all down to the fact that Kate can’t stand Wills being away from her. She likes him to be around 24/7, but he’s always enjoyed having his space and isn’t about to change anytime soon.” Kate has “admitted to pals that she may be getting too clingy” and knows “her possessiveness is already driving a wedge between them.” She flew to a Caribbean island for a winter holiday while William stayed behind to honor his commitments to the Royal Air Force. “While William did join her for a few days, she was so upset that he wasn’t there the whole time — especially since he’ll soon be gone for six solid weeks!” His hunting trip to Spain with brother Harry was “even more hurtful,” as “Kate thought William was saying that partying is more important than quality time with her.” “She couldn’t believe he was going off shooting and boozing.” Now Kate is “wondering if Wills is taking her for granted. And deep down, who could blame her for worrying that hubby is maybe hankering after his bachelor days?” She worries his “partying with pals” is “a sign of things to come.”

Brad & Angie Are Having Twins: “Angie is pregnant with twin boys!” Of course she is. “This pregnancy has really brought them all together. They can’t believe that they will soon be a family of 10!” A sidebar shows “The Brangie Bunch.” Angelina’s pregnancy cravings are “onion rings dipped in mustard,” “cupcakes the kids bake,” and “candy bars that are dark chocolate and cinnamon mixed with Mexican chiles.” The signs of pregnancy are that “she’s glowing!” even though “she’s already one of Hollywood’s most beautiful women” and “her boobs are bigger.” Plus “Brad’s doting on her” nonstop. “He caters to her when she’s pregnant. Brad can’t stop touching her and is fascinated by all the changes in her body.” Well OK then! “She and Brad can’t believe that they’ve been so blessed again. They are so excited that they are struggling to keep it a secret.”

Cameron Diaz’s New Look: “As Cameron Diaz stepped out of a car to attend the Versace runway show during Paris’ Fashion Week, her face had a practically frozen, surprised sort of look.” “She’s had Botox.” O RLY? “At 39, Cameron is still gorgeous.” “But for women in Hollywood, appearances carry more weight than life experience and Cameron might have felt compelled to tweak what God gave her.” Probably her time with ex-boyfriend A-Rod didn’t help. “That whole relationship messed with her head. She never felt good enough for him. Then, after he dumped her, her self-esteem sunk to an all-time low.”

Madonna Says the Smartest Thing of Anyone This Week? “I don’t know why everyone’s bamboozled into thinking that conventional relationships actually exist. Do you know of any? We’re all interested in it.”

Misc/Etc: “We can always count on Fergie Ferg to bring it on the red carpet.” “Peplum is such a hot trend.” “Was there a sale at the red beret and brown aviator jacket store?” “the tough little guy showed some serious attitude.” “I KNOW THE STRIPES MAKE ME LOOK FAT AND I DON’T CARE” “she once tried chocolate-covered bacon” “U will throw anyone under the buss.” “The kidnapping victim has found her one true love!” “I’m So Excited to Finally be in Indonesia” “I find it hard to believe I would be intimidating.” “The Grammys is disco summer camp!” “avoid orange hands and feet.” “as the body of Passionata”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Betty White, Brad Pitt, Demi Moore, Heidi Klum, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel, Johnny Depp, Kate Middleton, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Molly's Magazines, Russell Brand, Zac Efron, Zooey Deschanel

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert