The Many Moods of Seal… and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids


US

Seal And Heidi: Despite a romantic proposal (“in an igloo he constructed on a glacier”) and their “elaborate yearly vow renewals,” behind closed doors Seal could get a little crazy. Seal’s “mood swings” and “jealousy about Klum’s skyrocketing career” doomed the couple. They got tired of being “a robot family” in public and after seven years “couldn’t fake it anymore.” They had a Gothic romance, befitting the “Kiss From A Rose” singer, full of “crazy fights” and “tempestuous love.” Seal told a paper they “deal with the same issues as everyone else, only ours are more extreme. There are greater highs and greater lows.” Tellingly he also slipped that “success doesn’t solve anything.” Klum is an optimistic ball of energy, while Seal is “a very difficult person” who endured “a sad life” and grew into a “volatile and moody” man. His uncontrollable temper led him to “talk down to Heidi in public” (but she is so tall!) and speak her “like she was the help. It was so degrading.” He got mad at her for “holding court” during a Victoria’s Secret show, and “as demands on her time increased, he seemed to want to make all the choices for her.” A confidant of Klum’s says “I would say controlling is a fair assessment.” He reacted by focusing on his own career, touring nonstop and leaving his family for months at a time, including on holidays. Klum meanwhile was a picture of German efficiency, juggling her two TV shows and being “a hands-on mom.” Seal hated Heidi eclipsing him in fame and “it made Seal crazy when photographers asked him to get out of the way so they could shoot Heidi alone.” A family friend says “it’s difficult for a man if his wife is more successful than him.” I mean, yeah, if he sucks.

Katy And Russell: “Russell Brand is already seeing other women” Perry learned from gossipy friends, and he’s been trash-talking his ex all over Los Angeles, where they both live. “He’s spoken terribly about Katy to them” while flirting at SoHo House. Brand even told one particular woman “he wanted her to move in with him after the divorce is final.” Katy (who recently unfollowed Brand on twitter) is a sad kitten and “doubts she’ll be able to trust a guy again.”

Taylor Swift: “Doesn’t know how to meet anybody new” after her “earth-shattering” breakup from Jake Gyllenhaal last year. “He totally screwed with her mind” and she’s “haunted by that relationship.” A source says “Jake was her first serious relationship.”

Kate Beckinsale: “Every time I’m approached by a man — especially if it’s sort of a very fratty-looking man — it’s always, always about Serendipity.”

Misc/Etc: “embraced her body like liquid skin!” “I’d rather she bite pure metal” “My favorite movie of all time is Predator” “nice big sweaty wad of $1 bills” “I covered that poor woman in onions” “Hell, I’m going to start endorsing everybody” “He was not afraid of the ponies.” “Damon embraced his inner child on a waterslide.” “Whale watching!” “doting on her rat terriers” “She didn’t feel the need to be nice.” “arrived trashed” “Not to be mean, but she’s pretty self-involved.” “A one-night stand swiped his diamond chain as an excuse to return.” “I was freaking out but now I really like to shoot things.” “She likes me better pretty.” “Who hasn’t fantasized about making it big on Broadway?” “attempts Lambert-style bad-guy bashing” Lil Wayne’s fitness plan: “no fried foods” and lots of skateboarding. “I get a lot of offers for really uptight, ambitious, unfeeling girls.”

Star

Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale: “On the verge of a split!” say insiders. “Rock’s royal couple” are “headed for divorce. They have a roller coaster relationship and right now it has flown off the tracks.” The primary issue “when they got together, it was Gavin who had the big career” but since then “he’s had to watch as his rock-star status dwindled and hers soared to stellar levels,” making it “a really hard journey for him.” (I call bullshit: No Doubt has ALWAYS been a way bigger deal than Bush.) Gavin has “just not been honest with her about his past.” Gwen was upset when Gavin confirmed his teenaged relationship with drag queen pop star Marilyn to a newspaper. “The fact that Gavin would admit something to a journalist that he wouldn’t even tell his own wife made her furious.” Other bombshells: that he fathered model Daisy Lowe and had an affair with Courtney Love, have made it so that “Gwen’s mistrust of Gavin has grown. Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding.”

Angelina Jolie: “98 LBS, PREGNANT, & HEADED FOR REHAB.” The star “hardly ever eats, and she rarely gets more than four or five hours of sleep a night. And she gets terribly depressed, to the point where she is inconsolable.” Brad “has already consulted several doctors” who prescribed “complete, uninterrupted rest.” Oh yeah, a rest cure, that always worked out great for Victorian women LOL. “She can’t get that at home because there are too many distractions.” Since her directorial debut In the Land of Blood and Honey Ange has “become obsessed with finding another meaningful project to do.” Pitt hopes to stop his “very emotional lately” life partner from “suffering a complete breakdown.”

Lady Gaga’s Toxic Love: “Trapped in a toxic relationship” with her new boyfriend, Vampire Diaries star Taylor Kinney, “those in her inner circle” fear for her life. Kinney is a “negative influence” and “their relationship is dangerous because they completely enable each other. They spend their time getting wasted together around the clock, drinking and doing drugs from morning till night.” Oh come on, just ask Rihanna and Lana Del Rey; dangerously toxic relationships are IN for 2012! “The couple indulged in a wild bender of binge drinking, pill-popping, pot smoking, bar hopping and vicious fighting.” Friends worry because “her lupus is far worse than she lets on” and “her hair is falling out and her skin is covered in blotches” Vacationing in Kinney’s home twon of San Diego, the two “started off first thing in the morning by drinking vodka.” Troublingly, “such behavior is the norm for Gaga” and Taylor “parties just as hard as she does, if not harder.” Once shithoused, “they get into huge fights” which Gaga backs down from “because she’s insecure. It’s pathetic.”

Misc/Etc: “showed off her pins” “Get them hemmed, honey!” “her only chance of scraping by is to pen a tell-all about her 25-year-old daughter.” “What do Will Smith and Eddie Murphy have in common?” “I can’t let down the rock ‘n’ roll community” “the website CheaterVille” “using one playboy to make another playboy jealous is never gonna work.” “They will party all night till the sun comes up, doing line after line of coke.” “known for her zingy quips” “Michael may be an older man, but he feels like a kid again.” “her 36J breast implants” “the whole thing has made Ashton really depressed” “our resident plastic surgery expert” “I am a lizard” “let your wise older self put your life into perspective.”

InTouch

Kris Jenner: “Is a control freak” who tries to micromanage every aspect of her daughters’ lives. Her ex-lover Todd Waterman spills details. “It was a steady, superficial diet of what to wear, who your friends are, where to be seen and what car to drive. Early on, it was made clear to me that Kris desired a celebrity lifestyle.” Waterman says “Kris clearly prized fame, money and sex above all else.” Kim was particularly obedient about following her mother’s suggestions. Jenner “won’t rest until Kim is married to an A-lister” and felt Kris Humphries was a “stepping stone husband” for Kim. “The idea of marrying for money and fame, not love, was instilled in Kim as a child.” Jenner spent lavishly on her lover while still married to Robert Kardashian, and then made no effort to stay with Todd after her divorce. “There was no way I could help maintain what she was accustomed to financially,” he says. Kris has moved on to shaping Kendall and Kylie into all-American teen icons. She should watch some of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and see how that worked out for Kim and Kyle Richards.

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux: Jen “has been facing the disappointing possibility that Justin Theroux is more of a Mr. Right Now than a Mr. Right” and “even though Justin’s fear of commitment” has been a major setback “Jen refuses to let him make her give up her dream of starting a family.” On the edge of 43, Jen “is looking into adopting a child as a single mom.” Aniston “can’t wait until Justin comes around to the idea of starting a family.” A pal of Theroux’s says “he used to make fun of dads he’d see in NYC — and has never wanted kids.” Justin supposedly “never even entertained the idea of starting a family during the 14 years he was involved with his ex-girlfriend” and “won’t change his mind” for Jen. “He’s petrified of being a dad.” Aniston “wants a family even more than a boyfriend.”

Jessica Simpson: “I went to the doctor and he said ‘You’re gonna need to get out of those heels!’ I was like, ‘Excuse me! I’ll be delivering in these heels!'”

Adam Sandler & Drew Barrymore: Sandler is “helping Drew Barrymore with the process of converting to Judaism” before her upcoming nuptials to her Jewish boyfriend Will Kopelman. Sounds like the plot of a Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler movie! But in the film they’d end up together.

Misc/Etc: “Katherine Heigl by default” Heigl makes us like her with this quote from ’95: “I’d love to one day showcase my creativity versus just my bra size” “Nothing wrong with a thong!” “She sure is flexible!” “He eats everything” Gisele: “I spent half my life working — of course I want a nice house.” “decided to work the demure beauty queen angle” “when she draped a festive red ribbon across her bare chest and later straddled a baby grand piano topless while wearing only tiny brown panties.” “Hollywood’s Puffy Face Syndrome!”: a feature on aging female stars (plus junior plastic surgery mavens Lohan and Kim K.) “the resident redhead.” “always lovely in lace” “People are very shocked that the house has such a European aesthetic” “I’m just one 18-year-old Latina girl, people don’t expect much of me — and I hope to change that!” “A Japanese prefecture has appointed two toy poodles, Karin and Fuga, as honorary dispatch section chiefs.” “Sean Young uses psychic website.”

OK!

Madonna’s Boyfriend Brahim Zaibat Speaks: She first hit on him with the sensual pickup line “Hi, how are you?” He was not immediately impressed. “She was just a woman almost like the others. An exceptional artist and world-famous, of course, but a woman first. I was just happy to meet her. But not particularly stressed!” Of course Madonna would like a man who didn’t find her scary or intimidating. He was not even alive yet when “Like A Virgin” charted. He is not the biggest pop music fan, but they are “bonded by a mutual devotion to dance.” Brahim says “Madonna has always been passionate about it. Her childhood dream was to become a dancer. It gives us one more thing in common.” He says his “life has not changed much” and he is “a dancer first” and wants to be known for that, not just for the world-famous woman he is dating. “I have not yet shown the world the extent of my talent.”

Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony: “Despite the fact that J.Lo, 42, and Marc, 43, are both dating 24-year olds, the pair was seen holding hands in L.A. as they plugged” their new talent competition TV show ¡Q’Viva! The Chosen. “Witnesses say Marc never left J.Lo’s side and rubbed her back at one point as they schmoozed the media.” Maybe they are both great actors? “Jennifer placed her hand on Marc’s knee and said ‘I’ve laughed harder int he past three days with Marc than I have in a long time.'” Marc “still believes that Jen is his soul mate” and “the exes hate seeing other with young hot-bodied lovers!” on both sides. “She’s starting to really open up to the idea of taking Marc back.”

Scarlett Johansson: “I’m only scared of birds. Something about wings and beaks and the flapping. I’m terrified of them.” Matt Damon is afraid of snakes, but during We Bought A Zoo he was “bullied into interacting with them by Scarlett Johansson and the kids.”

Misc/Etc: “Sans a hat and orange shoes” “Booty category: annoyingly perfect” “as colorful as an island flower.” Nick Cannon praises wifey Mariah: “What most people don’t get the opportunity to experience is the true woman, the virtuous person who is my angel.” “alleged bad behavior includes stealing a boyfriend” “Women aren’t that tall (they wear high heels), their faces don’t look like that (they wear makeup).” “She’s very needy right now” “He’s moody, he’s controlling, he crowds her, and he’s uncommunicative.” “50 Cent is a great friend.” “Your surgery was clearly a nightmare.” “Your bottom has gotten so big that your panties can’t cover it!” “She wants her hair cut like a boy and she does love a tie” “He’s an easy traveler” “It’s the year of the headband.” “filmed in L.A. but it’s supposed to look like Paris!” “Klothes From The Kardashians” “Kristen Stewart is officially not a tomboy anymore” “known for her love of cigarettes and sneakers” “interior design, someone walking down the street, a city that we have visited, fashion magazines!” “Taylor’s fragrance has freesia” “a surge of seductive sparkle”

Filed Under: Gwen Stefani, Heidi Klum, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Beckinsale, Katy Perry, Molly's Magazines, Russell Brand, Scarlett Johansson, Taylor Swift, Us Weekly

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert