The Kardashiad, Part 21: We’re Eating Pie in Our Bathing Suits

We rejoin Brody and Kris’s catamaran confrontation already in progress. I guess now we know the Greek gods aren’t real, because Poseidon would absolutely have sent a typhoon to thrash this boat by now, just to shut these people up. Instead it’s up to Kourtney to literally, physically insert herself between them and give Kris a minute to reboot. Kourtney suggests to Brody that while it may look like Kris is all about flashy posessions, that’s not what she’s about in her soul. Brody backs off a little. Kris has a soul? He allows for the possibility that he’s had some bad intel on Kris piped to him over the years by his mother, Linda. Divorces, y’know? Kris knows. When she remarried, she tells Brody, “[Kourtney] didn’t talk to Bruce for five years.” She wore black the whole time, Kris says. “Mom, I literally wore black one day,” Kourtney says. “I’m trying to be a good mom, and I’m almost there,” Kris says to Brody. “I love you. I really do. I always have.” The windblown audio is suddenly crystal clear for these lines, like she ADR’d it. The boat returns to the harbor.

They head to dinner or lunch — it’s hard to tell what time of day it is anymore. I feel like they’ve been in Greece for six months. I feel sun-poisoned. Since all that garbage on the boat was his fault, Brody orders a bottle of rosé for the table, to apologize. He presents it for Kris’s approval. “Let’s get this bottle opened and get a straw and I’m good,” Kris says, and apparently no one takes the straw threat seriously because we then see her just going ahead and pouring wine in her mouth. “I did it without touching the lip of the bottle,” Kris says proudly. “And people say we have no talent!” (Which, OK, is kind of funny.)

The next morning Khloe busts into Kris’s room. They’re both in pajamas. Khloe gets the coffeemaker working but — almost before another kind of moment can be had, it looks like — Kris starts talking about how sad she is that Kim’s not really enjoying being pregnant. “Kimberly is fragile right now,” Kris says. Presumably Kim being fragile is the Kardashian equivalent of Frank Sinatra having a cold and that’s why this trip’s been so fraught. Anyway, real cool on Kris’s part, bringing this up in front of Khloe, who’s struggled to get pregnant for years. Khloe looks bummed out but keeps it together, unless you’re like me and you’re looking for semaphored sorrow in the way she blinks her eyes. “I mean, pregnancy isn’t for everyone,” Khloe says. “You have to find your happiness,” Kris says. “Babies brought me happiness for sure. I mean, you throw yourself into your kids, and it’s like, delicious.” OH, WORD? TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW MAGIC IT IS WHEN YOU GROW A BABY INSIDE YOU, Khloe doesn’t add.

Table talk at breakfast is about how nobody remembered to lay in some beer for Bruce last night. Bruce isn’t there yet so Brody tells a story about the time he saw Bruce wild out and drink three beers. “He got into an argument with Michael Phelps over gold medals,” Brody says. Apparently he told Phelps that all the medals Phelps had were the ones it’s easy to get. “He was like, ‘I only have one, but that’s the one you want,’” Brody says. Kim shuffles in. Everyone talks about how huge her boobs are. “There’s not even milk in them yet, which is, like, the scary part.” She’s not sleeping. Her whole face is made of eye-bag.

Kylie and Khloe have decided to talk in British accents all day. “We have a Queen of England,” Khloe says in a British accent. The two of them go ATV’ing with Bruce and the Jenner boys. Brody and Brandon don’t wear shirts or shoes. Nobody wears a helmet. Brody talks about how pleased he is at the way Khloe’s “embracing the whole Jenner way of life.” They pull up to a little beach where Kylie and Khloe frolic in the ocean while Leah takes pictures of them with her phone. Kylie and Khloe shout “Greece! Greece!” Kylie says, “YOLO in Greece!” Up on the shore, Bruce says, dismissively, “YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, yeah.” When Bruce Jenner thinks a slang term is tired, life itself is tired of that slang term.

Right before everybody left on their four-wheelers we got a glimpse of Kendall sitting on a couch in her bikini, holding a tube of sunblock, clearly waiting for someone to ask her to go four-wheeling or wanting to be seen waiting for someone, or a little of both. Nobody ever did. She’s bummed. There’s a montage of different Jenners and Kardashians applying sunblock and then everyone eats pie on a patio. Again, it’s unclear what time of day it is. Khloe’s in her pajamas, and yet there’s pie. Brody points out paparazzi camped on a wall across the water like a machine-gun nest. Kim complains to the talking-head camera about the increased scrutiny she’s faced since becoming pregnant. “Epic shot,” Brody says, sardonically. “We’re eating pie in our bathing suits,” Kourtney says. The camera crew that follows them everywhere films them eating pie in their bathing suits, having this conversation.

And then they all take a private jet to Santorini. “So this place is supposed to be the hot spot in Greece,” Kris says as they take a van into town. Everyone marvels at Santorini, all curvaceous sugar-white buildings spilling down a mountainside to the sun-dappled sea or whatever. Look at that water! Look at that place down there, with the blue dome! Kris asks Kourtney when Scott’s getting there, annoyingly. Kourtney’s in the way back of the van with some kind of leopard-print turban on, annoyed. “It feels like we haven’t seen him in a week,” Kris says. Kourtney snaps back, “Well, we haven’t.”

They’re escorted into their Santorini hotel, whose highlights a montage summarizes. It’s even nicer than the place they stayed in Mykonos. It makes the place they stayed in Mykonos look like a place you’d send war criminals. “This is where I want to go to die, with my husband,” Kourtney says. “Like, this is it, we’re in heaven.” Brody and Kris both go straight for the welcome-to-the-hotel champagne. Apparently Brody’s peace plan involves keeping pace with Kris’s blood-alcohol level from here on out. More vacation-porn pickup shots of the accommodations, because sometimes this show is just Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with a plot and that’s OK. There’s a cave in the hotel! Eventually everyone has to start complaining about how many stairs there are because the human spirit can endure only so much comfort. There’s a round bed in the room Kylie and Khloe are going to be sharing and Khloe shouts, “Kylie, look at our sex bed!”

They walk around and find a place where you can put your feet in a tub of water and tiny fish nibble away your dead skin. It’s called a “fish pedicure,” and it’s illegal in 14 states because it’s unsanitary. According to Wikipedia, the fact that the nanny state wants to stop people from getting their feet exfoliated by tiny fish is apparently a big John Stossel issue, because John Stossel fights for the things that matter. Everybody who tries it agrees that it feels weird but Kim hates it and almost starts crying.

Nighttime. Dinner was at eight. Now it’s 8:31. Brody’s all “dinner was at eight and now it’s 8:31, brah, where is everybody?” — I’m paraphrasing — and Bruce says, “I told you at the beginning of this trip, everybody just take a chill pill. You mellow out, and when it happens, it will happen.” Finally all the ladies show up. Kourtney and Khloe have clearly spent the extra half-hour deciding which necklaces to wear on their heads like weird Childlike Empress crowns. Scott rolls in at some point and people halfheartedly greet the lord, but tonight is about how upset Kendall is. Nobody asked her to go do the fish thing, either. She has a little meltdown, there in her cashmere hoodie with the thumb-holes. At one point it looks like she’s actually holding her hand up to the camera in a Don’t film this kind of way. “I haven’t been included in one thing this entire day!” she fumes. Eventually she starts crying and leaves the table. Kim’s on her phone by this point.

It’s Kim’s last night in Greece before she flies to Paris to hang out with Kanye, who at the time of filming is probably staring angrily at a lamp and trying to think of something that rhymes with “spunk on the mink.”

“Khloe and I have decided we should do something wild and weird with you,” Kim says to Kris, spontaneously. “Will you jump in the pool, with all your clothes on?” Kris replies, impulsively. She tells a boring story about how jumping in the pool with all your clothes on is a Kardashian family vacation tradition, except instead of “vacation” she says “vacay,” because of course she does. Kris, Leah, and Kourtney jump in the pool. Afterward Leah stays in the water for a little while and when Brandon asks her if she’s cold, Leah says, “No, I’m peeing,” like a 3-year-old. Kourtney’s dress is see-through and everyone thinks this is hilarious. Bruce is passed out face down on Kylie and Khloe’s round sex-bed. “You know what’s wrong with you?” Kris says. “You’re afraid to live on the wild side.” She jumps on him in her wet dress but he wrestles away and she accuses him of not being able to have a totally spontaneous good time like we have just seen her impulsively have.

Brody and Khloe share a Kit Kat and maybe some red wine. Khloe talks about how pale her leg is, holding her leg up. “White girl problems, right?” Khloe says. Brody tries to reassure her that it’s OK and Khloe has to explain to Brody what she means by “white girl problems.” Brody asks Khloe what she thinks about his and Brandon’s plan to build Bruce the putting green he’s always wanted at the Kardashian house. He tells the talking-head camera that he knows it’ll create conflict with Kris. “But there’s a bigger picture here,” Brody says. “It’s having Bruce have a voice in the house and be able to make decisions on his own, without having to ask somebody.” And since he’ll never do that, they have no choice but to have the putting green put in without asking him.

Khloe, Kylie, and Brody pile into a car to go check out the Santorini bar scene, which is either really awesome or really boring, because we cut straight from that to a long montage of time-lapse footage of Santorini at night and then it’s the next morning. Brody’s talking to Scott about how Scott’s got to get out there on a surfboard. How Scott should get Mason out there, too. Mason is the older of Scott and Kourtney’s two kids; I remind you of that only because in three weeks of Greece episodes we haven’t seen these kids once or heard anything about where they are, unless that shot of the cave was a hint.

Brody tells Scott not to let Bruce keep him from taking Mason surfing. Scott says Bruce has his own agenda. They laugh at Bruce. They do impressions of Bruce saying “Hey!” — how he sounds like a little motorcycle revving up when he does that. “Heyyy! Heyyy!” Brody does a total Hills-style “So, tell me about…” conversational/expositional segue and asks Scott what the deal was with those photos from London, of him and his bros getting into a car with girls. “In this day and age,” Scott says, “you can’t even let your buddies hook up with chicks in front of you.” It comes out wrong.

Kendall’s not at breakfast. Khloe finds her in her room but Kendall immediately orders her out, and when she sees Khloe’s got the cameras with her she says, “I’m not filming this!” and storms out onto her balcony. Down at breakfast, Kylie looks up and says, “Is that Khloe’s helicopter?” She’s flying home today, to be with Lamar, but first a helicopter’s coming to ferry her from Santorini back to Athens, and this is that helicopter. Khloe sidebars with Brody, tells him she thinks Kendall wants to be babied, that he should ask her if she’s all right and keep asking her.

“She feels like she’s being left out,” Bruce says.

“I don’t let myself feel left out,” Kylie says. Kylie’s not buying any of it, you can tell.

“I used to be like that as a kid,” Scott says. “I’d put myself in a position just so people would feel bad for me.” Suddenly the fact that he’s on this show makes a lot more sense.

Everyone decides to pay more attention to Kendall. But when she finally comes down to breakfast everyone applauds and goes “Hey!” and Kris says “Kendall Jenner!” in an exaggerated talk show kind of way. They’re trying to make her feel special but you can see how it looks like they’re making fun of her for being late, and that she’s picturing how she’d go about murdering each of them. Khloe leaves on her helicopter, and Brody takes Kendall ATV’ing without inviting anybody else. “I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but it’s the only way I know,” Brody says. It is maybe literally the only thing he knows. They ride around at magic hour and Kendall says in voice-over that this is more like it.

Leah finds Scott hanging out in some secluded corner of the villa. He’s poking at an iPad in a purple case. She chides him for hiding out but eventually they bond over being normal humans who’ve married/long-term-partnered into this insane death-cult of a family. “It is overwhelming,” Leah agrees. “Sitting at the dinner table, trying to find words. Where do I fit in?” Indeed. Words are, y’know — I mean, right? Eventually Leah convinces Scott that he needs to man up and do something romantic to make it up to Kourtney that he spent the first week of this vacation douching it up in London. Scott takes Kourtney to a restaurant where they can watch the sunset from an open-air patio. “I feel like this is a nice place to make memories, Buford,” Scott says to Kourtney, and Kourtney says, “You’re very delightful,” and it actually looks like they might have said those things as part of one conversation.

Meanwhile the remaining Jenners/Kardashians are facing the same sunset, except from a restaurant high up on a roof, and it’s windy and everyone’s shivering. After a certain point in the scene someone’s brought Kris and Kylie robes to wear. Around the 58th minute of the episode, Kris finally thinks to mention Rob, who would have enjoyed this trip so much. She asks Bruce if he agrees, and Bruce isn’t paying attention. “He’s just thinking about his hair being blown around,” Brendan says. Out come the Greek folk dancers. Everyone gets up and claps and dances along in big sloppy circles. Vacations are important, Kris says in voice-over. “We really have to stop and think about how blessed we are.” They start doing that thing they do where they break the plates. They’ve got a real serious pile of shattered crockery by the time all is said and done. It’s like they’ve broken every plate this place has on hand.

Next week: The gang’s back in California, Khloe says the word “queef,” and Bruce finds a way to make this putting green bullshit a thousand times worse.

Filed Under: Kanye West, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Kris Jenner, Reality TV

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Alex Pappademas is a staff writer for Grantland.

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