The Kardashiad, Part 19: Whales Are Disgusting
Look, it’s Bernard Hopkins the dog, jumping up on a couch because he craves attention. He sure learned that trick fast. Kourtney has just spilled salad dressing on her shirt. Kris is chasing her around with a wet rag, but Kourtney says she’d rather have a salad dressing–y shirt than a wet shirt. Kris chases Kourtney into Khloe’s pantry. Khloe has like 80 kinds of cereal in there. Kim’s here, too, by the way, but she’s just standing off to the side, staring into space, looking like a pouty-faced cardboard cutout of Kim Kardashian. Seriously, she’s not even moving, it’s creepy. Kourtney makes Khloe come to her aid. Khloe shouts “You [bleep] up everything!” at Kris, mock-dramatically, then throws her out of the house. In the last shot we can see there’s a black-and-white photo of Lamar on the wall: a blow-up, from this photo shoot, the one in which Lamar’s holding his head.
Scott looks in the refrigerator and says, “What’s in the [bleep]box?” Some kind of weird juice, it turns out. Spit take. Scott, Khloe, and, for some reason, Kylie start putting together a guest list for the surprise birthday party Scott’s throwing Kourtney at a Greek restaurant called Tony’s in Malibu. Kourtney seems like a person who loves a fun surprise.
Enough with the goddamn ping-pong, you were maybe thinking after last week? No. Never enough with the goddamn ping-pong, apparently. It’s Brody versus Rob at the old Jenner place — they say it’s haunted by the ghost of Bruce’s hopes and dreams! — and you know things are getting serious because Rob’s taking his gold chain off. Ante up! Brody says, “It’s nice to be able to have a relationship with Rob.” I don’t have a lot of nice relationships, but I’m reasonably sure one of the hallmarks thereof is not having to constantly mention how nice it is to be able to have the relationship. Brody says to Rob, “Are you working on your fitness?” Rob says, “I won’t even lift up my shirt. I’m that embarrassed.” He’s wearing leather pants when he says this. Brody talks about how he should try to do “active, fun, cool stuff” whenever possible.
Real serious stuff going on in this next scene at the Jenner house — Kim’s officially ready to stop wearing heels because of her swollen feet; Khloe’s sitting on Rob like he’s a beanbag chair — but it all has to wait because in comes Kris Jenner with her Moe Greene glasses on, holding a letter. She’s got big news! Over and above the fact that people still send paper letters, I mean! “I reached out to the bureau of tourism of Greece, you guys, trying to decide where we were going to go on our family vacation,” she says. Because that’s how every family makes that decision.
Anyway, the Greeks have come through with whatever sweet-ass tax breaks Kris demanded, and the letter says the Kardashian/Jenners are cordially invited to come to Greece and “live like the gods and goddesses of Mount Olympus.” Everyone agrees that this would be nice. “If I could be anyone,” Rob says, “I’d want to be Caesar.” It’s almost one of those in-the-form-of-hilarious malapropisms the producers of Storage Wars feed to Darrell Sheets. Which, by the way, producers of Storage Wars, knock it off. You mean to tell me 30 usably stupid things don’t fall out of that guy’s mouth unbidden in every interview? You really have to give him Roseanne Roseannadanna jokes to memorize? Please.
Rob interrupts a subsequent fitness conversation with Brody to read an e-mail on his iPad about the Greece trip. This is the first Brody has heard of this. He asks who’s going, Rob gets all reflexively weaselly and says he thinks it’s “a Kardashi-Jenner collabo.” Brody gets upset and tries a couple of wounded Rumble Fish faces. Rob decides he’s going to make things right and calls Bruce. Bruce says he hasn’t heard from Rob in a while and Rob says “I’ve been doing [bleeped word for male genitalia that rhymes with "Spock"] push-ups.” He tells Bruce he won’t go to Greece if Brody isn’t invited. Bruce says “That’s just what we need — more [same bleeped word] push-ups.”
Bruce tells Kris that he’s upset that she forgot to invite Brody on the trip to Greece. The son he’s struggling to reconnect with! Has she not been watching the show? Kris says Brody always flakes on things like this, but agrees to invite him. “I’m open to having a relationship with Brody,” Kris finally says, “but it’s gotta be natural.” Bruce suggests that this trip — the one the Greek National Tourism Organization is presumably subsidizing in exchange for free publicity on E! — would be a good place for that natural relationship to develop. Totally! Kris says she’ll see what she can do.
Kim walks into Khloe’s kitchen and says “I just had, like, three Dibs, a string cheese, and a handful of those vegetable chips.” It’s a really judgmental magazine’s idea of a food binge. She’s eating feelings about the paparazzi, whose dastardliness will apparently not go unmentioned for one episode this season. They’ve been hounding her like crazy, the jerks. And if that’s not enough, when Kim looks at her phone there’s an e-mail from her lawyer — more divorce stuff, a new court date. She and her sadistic Minnesotan lake-beast of a husband Kris Humphries are still married. It’s been an entire year and a half. Who wouldn’t seek the sweet, sweet oblivion that tends to come over one after that third Dib?
A waiter brings Scott and Kourtney a plate of grilled artichokes and Scott says, “Isn’t it funny to think that, like, little old grandmas who can barely walk could have been real big whores at one time?” Kourtney doesn’t even react to this. Kourtney’s a tough crowd. Kourtney’s a bit of a wet shirt herself. “You’re telling me there wasn’t trains being ran on people back then?” Scott says. Anyway: He’s trying to get Kourtney to agree to a birthday dinner at Tony’s that’s actually a surprise party at Tony’s and Kourtney’s not having it. She’d rather go bowling or to Nobu. Really, though, you can tell by her face that she just wants Scott to break down and tell her about the surprise party she knows he’s throwing her. For all we know said breakdown happens off camera during this lunch. Which doesn’t mean we’re spared further will-she-or-won’t-she. Never that.
Kim and Kris, and, for some reason, Khloe meet to discuss divorce stuff. Kim’s wearing a see-through lacy thing over a crop top, so it’s like her pregnant belly is letterboxed — “I’ll be brutalized in the press for it,” she says, pseudo-gaily — and Kris is wearing polarized goggling-into-the-Internet-in-1985 mirror shades in the office, like you do. Kim has news: Kris Humphries has finally agreed to give her a divorce. But Kim wants something from him in return: one Skype conversation, because it still doesn’t sit right with her that he thinks she never loved him. Khloe makes an I can’t believe this bullshit face. Try it at home, with your face!
Khloe’s in her garage with a big white plaster elephant and some jars of paint. A lot of people paint these, Khloe says, and they auction them off for charity. She’s got brochures. Kris doesn’t even want to hear about this stupid elephant right now. Kim’s been at the courthouse for hours and hasn’t called. “The fact that she’s in there for this long means that something’s perc-u-lating,” Kris says. She asks Khloe if she should drive down to the courthouse to be with Kim. “That’s so, like, embarassante,” Khloe says, “your mom having to come to court.” But Kris is already out the door. She says “Love you, Khloe!” and Khloe says “Love you too, sicko,” and goes back to studying a jar of elephant paint.
But hey, it’s cool, because then Kim gets out of the courtroom and calls her mom and she’s divorced, finally. Kris says she’s been praying for this outcome all morning — I guess to the Greek god of celebrity-PR-stunt-marriage dissolutions? — and then asks “Have you called Ye yet?” It’s “Ye” now?
Everybody’s at the restaurant for Kourtney’s birthday party except for Kourtney (and Rob, who’s an eventual no-show and therefore way more of a factor in the party than he’d have been had he shown up). Kim says she has an announcement to make. Khloe says, “You’re pregnant?” Lamar convinces Bruce to do a shot. Ouzo, maybe. Khloe’s bra is showing and Kris makes a wordless button-up motion at her and like that Khloe immediately buttons up. Bruce does another shot.
Still no Kourtney. Dinner is served, and Bruce is overserved. Khloe and Kris talk about how late Kourtney is. Bruce is seated in between them. You can see him doing elaborate drunk-person brainwork: If I move my head back and forth to look right at whoever’s talking, no one will know I’m drunk. Finally Kourtney shows up. “I am so surprised that everyone planned this party for little old me,” she says. Lamar tries to share an anecdote about going on an “adult site” and stumbling upon the topless candy-bath video Khloe made him but can’t get through the story without cracking up. He thinks it’s hilarious. It kind of is!
For a bunch of reasons not worth going into — they needed to stretch a quick family vacation into a to-be-continued episode, basically — Brody and Brandon and Leah go to Greece first, while Kourtney and Scott and Kris stop off in London for a day. Then Kris gets a message from Rob saying he’s not coming. “He’s just going to throw himself into his work,” Kris says. We prepare emotionally for a cutaway to Rob crying with one arm buried in a 35-ounce jug of Sam’s Club cheeseballs like he’s Winnie the Pooh, but it never comes. “He’s decided that all of a sudden his sock business is booming,” Kris says, “and he can’t pull himself away.” Sock business is a lonely business.
Back in the States, Rob and Lamar hang out by Khloe and Lamar’s pool and Rob admits to Lamar that he flaked on Greece. Lamar’s already figured this out. Rob says he’s not really feeling himself right now, because of the weight gain. He wants to get it together, he tells Lamar, “so my mom doesn’t cry and think it’s [because of] something bigger.” Lamar says it’s OK if it’s something bigger. He says he found himself in a similar place not long ago. He says he couldn’t get out of it until he realized he had to do it for himself: “I couldn’t do it for Khloe,” he says. “I couldn’t do it for the name on the back of my jersey.” Lamar’s easily the best human in this episode. Lamar’s a sage. “You’re a man, baby,” Lamar says, encouraging Rob to really embrace his only-dude-in-a-house-full-of-women status. “You’re the last of the Mohicans! You’re Robert Kardashian. What do you expect?” Rob looks like he genuinely doesn’t know the answer to this question.
Meanwhile: Greece! Montage of resplendent B-roll set to techno song with sample of someone shouting “OPA!” in it — no, for real. Brody says, “Dude, if they have kiteboards around here, we gotta try it. Brody and Leah check into their villa at the beautiful [Product Placement Hotel] in Mykonos. Leah runs from room to room, marveling at, like, the sinks. “It’s like living in a piece of art!” she exclaims. It’s a nice hotel room! Fall back, Leah! Still, as product placement it’s totally effective — I would much rather be where they are than hunched over on my couch typing mean things about the Kardashians.
Brody, so entitled after barely a season, is still making passive-aggressive non-jokes about Kris not officially inviting him. The Jenner kids all lay out by the water, with red wine and what looks like white-bread toast. It’s a beautiful setting in which to talk a bunch of smack about how screwed-up Bruce and Kris’s marriage is. Seems Bruce got cold one night and decided to work on his model helicopter in the downstairs guest bedroom instead of the garage, and he “got in trouble” for it. “That sounds like a nightmare,” Brody says. Everybody talks about how they’re sad Rob’s not coming. They only do an OK job of pretending they’re actually sad. They only do an OK job of holding the screen; they’re all very pretty but they’re incapable of making this clumsy expository dialogue sound like normal human speech. And they say the Kardashians don’t have any skills.
So the Jenners arrived in Greece and got, I guess, room keys and toast? Maybe some wine? Whereas the Kardashians get a royal welcome from a kindly looking, mustachioed older Greek gentleman who is identified as “A. Megas, Mayor of Mykonos,” and who seems totally legit and has brought flowers! The Ks roll up to the [Product Placement Hotel] and check into their villa, where the wine and the tension both flow like wine: Brody won’t stop with the I-wasn’t-really-invited comments. “Things have gotten off to a very awkward start,” Kris says. There’s a shot of Kris and Brody on a balcony frowning away from each other. How does Brody still suck so bad at reality-show acting? Dude has been in the game for like a decade.
At dinner Leah says she saw a whale or something that looked like a whale. Khloe says, “My biggest fear in life is a whale. Whales are disgusting. And belly buttons are disgusting too. I get chills every time I touch my belly button.” Kris asks Brody to pass the chicken but it turns out what she’s pointing at is actually a plate of octopus. “Octopus!” Kris says. “Is this a James Bond movie?” Yeah! This is just like that part in The Living Daylights where James Bond has a couple glasses of wine and makes too big a deal about how crazy the food is and makes everybody uncomfortable. Conversation no. 497 about how Rob isn’t there. Kris says something to Brody about how she sent him a text message and Brody says he didn’t get it and a pall is cast over dinner and everybody excuses themselves. And all that octopus goes in the trash, probably. Greece! It’s a place you can go on vacation if you want to!
Next week: What turn of events could make Kendall so mad that she’d refuse to be filmed and slam her door like DJ Tanner? The fuck does Kris Jenner think she is with that scarf on her head? Is anybody not going to jump off the top deck of some big Greek boat?
More from Alex Pappademas
More Kanye West
More Hollywood Prospectus
“Probably ‘Smokin Aces’, because it wasn’t my hair, and it was like, long beautiful hair that I could never grow.” … “Yeah. I take a supplement called Viviscal. And it’s supposed to help speed up your hair growth. And I really think it works, because my beard grows really fast and I have to get a haircut once a week while using it.” —Ask Jeremy Piven Anything About His Hair